THE MAGID LARRY FINDS HIMSELF IN A PALACE…IN THE EGYPT OF THE TORAH…BUT HE’S NOT A JEW… AND HE’S NOT JUST ANY GENTILE… HE’S…PHARAOH. PHARAOH LARRY Can you tell me? What do these Jews want? So they have to work a little. They live in Goshen. Our most luxurious province. It’s full of food to eat, livestock and seafood, but they’re too good for pork? HIS ADVISOR, EGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE (Season 7 and 10), SAYS: EGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE  Shellfish too apparently,...

THE FOUR CHILDREN RABBI REBECCA TRANSITIONS THE GUESTS: RABBI REBECCA Enough about my schmutzy hametz life. Let’s move on to The Four Children. LARRY HAS FAILED TO MAKE SUSIE AND JEFF, AND TED AND CHERYL MISERABLE AGAIN. AND HE’S LOST LEON TO UNMISERABLENESS TOO. HE LOOKS AT HIS OLDEST FRIEND, RICHARD LEWIS. PERHAPS ONE LAST FRIEND TO TRY. LARRY LEANS OVER WHISPERS: LARRY DAVID Hey, Richard. RICHARD LEWIS What? What do you want? RICHARD SEEMS DISINCLINED TO TALK TO LARRY, THE...

THE SEARCHING FOR AND REMOVAL OF THE HAMETZ LARRY WATCHES AS HIS MANAGER AND BEST FRIEND, JEFF GREENE, AND JEFF’S WIFE, SUSIE, EAGERLY SEARCH FOR HAMETZ AROUND THEIR HOUSE. LARRY DAVID What is this? What are you guys doing? SUSIE GREENE What do you mean, what are we doing? We’re searching for Hametz? LARRY DAVID Since when do you care about Hametz?  I’ve gone to Italian restaurants with you the night after Seders?   SUSIE GREENE That was before Rabbi Rebecca and...

We Don't Talk About Pharaoh By Dave Cowen  Adapted from “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” from Encanto We don't talk about Pharaoh, no, no, no! We don't talk about Pharaoh. But! It was our Exodus day It was our Exodus day We were getting ready, to leave Egypt and slavery behind Leave Egypt and slavery behind Pharaoh walks in with a mischievous grin- (Darkness!!!) You telling this story, or am I? (I'm sorry, ha-chaim sheli, go on) Pharaoh says, "You’ll stay...

W.A.P. (Wet-Ass Pharaoh) (There’s some Jews in this house) (Three’s some Jews in this house) (There’s some Jews in this house) (There’s some Jews in this house) Said G-d’s got technique Full of mystique Wet-ass Pharaoh God’s Red Sea game on fleak Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, G-d made one Wet-Ass Pharaoh Bring a bucket and a mop for this Wet-Ass Pharaoh Gave us what we want, made a Wet-Ass Pharaoh Beat their idols, judgments charged Extra-large and extra-hard Put this...

JOE BIDEN LEADS THE MAGID (AND NO ONE INTERRUPTS) JOE BIDEN: Okay, folks, I guess it’s time for The Magid, The Exodus Story.  It’s funny, I actually identify a bit with Moses. Not, uh, you know, too much. But we both dealt with a, a stutter.  In Exodus, Moses doesn’t think he’s capable or able to lead the Jews out of Egypt, telling G-d: “Please, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since You have spoken to Your...

KAMALA HARRIS LEADS THE KARPAS KAMALA HARRIS: Thank you to the Second Gentleman and First Lady for putting on this beautiful event. Let me tell you, I’ve been pretty busy, and I felt badly that I couldn’t help out very much. Not that I should, I am Madam Vice President! I think it was The Daily Show that pointed out: not only am I the first female Vice President, but I also have the extra job of running the tied-up Senate....

DOUG EMHOFF✡ LEADS THE YOM TOV CANDLE LIGHTING DOUG EMHOFF: Hello there, I’m Doug Emhoff, the first-ever Second Gentleman in American history and also the first-ever Jewish spouse of an American Vice President. We did it! A Jew is sorta in the White House! Well, in the neighborhood. The Seder begins when we light the Yom Tov Candles. We do this at sundown, in order to mark a transition, from one time to another. And it is traditionally done by the...

Pandemic What if you thought of it as the Jews consider the Sabbath— the most sacred of times? Cease from travel. Cease from buying and selling. Give up, just for now, on trying to make the world different than it is. Sing. Pray. Touch only those to whom you commit your life. Center down.   And when your body has become still, reach out with your heart. Know that we are connected in ways that are terrifying and beautiful. (You could hardly...

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT ELAINE Now do we eat? I’m starving. KRAMER Sort of. Next up is the Karpas. Who wants to do the Karpas? Yael? George's love interest Yael replies: YAEL I’d be honored. For the Karpas, we dip fresh green vegetables into bitter, salty water. It symbolizes the celebration of a painful moment in Jewish history, by combining a metaphor of tears and slavery, the salt water, with one of spring and rebirth, the green vegetable, in this case, the...

Here's to the Jews that we got Cheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not 'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories Of the Passover we’ve been through Toast to the Jews here today Toast to the Jews that we lost on the way 'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories And the memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews There's a time that I remember, when the Jews knew lots of pain...

IVANKA TRUMP: At every Seder there’s a Wise Child, a Wicked Child, a Simple Child, and a Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Ask a Question. Clearly, I’m The Wise Child. Who were you going to say, Tiff? As if. Now. What do I, Ivanka Trump, The Wise Child ask? Simple. "What are the testimonials, statutes and laws commanded of us?" The Wise Child is wise because she knows not to disobey. She may believe, for instance, that climate change...

Seinfeld Urchatz by Dave Cowen (adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah) INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT ELAINE Now what? KRAMER It’s time for the Urchatz. Where we all wash our hands before the meal with this. KRAMER PASSES A BOWL FILLED WITH WATER TO ELAINE.  ELAINE OK... ELAINE WASHES HER HANDS. THEN WHEN SHE IS DIRECTED BY KRAMER TO PASS THE BOWL TO THE NEXT PERSON, JERRY REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON. HE TURNS HORRIFIED: JERRY Wait. We’re all washing our hands...

Donald Trump: You know, a lot of people don’t know The Exodus Story, I didn’t know it until very recently, not a lot of people know it, very complicated stuff. You got this guy, this Moses guy, leading his people. He’s kind of like the Jew President, right? OK, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, so I know a thing or two about this. Some people say, I’m not saying this,...

STEPHEN MILLER: Hi everyone, I’m Stephen Miller, 34 year-old Senior Policy Advisor to President Trump. I’m a Jewish man from Santa Monica, California, which, there are a lot of us there, but they’re mostly the kind of Jews that are very unfair to President Trump, and, frankly, don’t understand what the stablest genius I’ve ever met is trying to do with this country, and its illegal immigrants, who are completely different from other immigrants, like the Jews, that came and made...