Seinfeld Urchatz by Dave Cowen (adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah)

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ELAINE

Now what?

KRAMER

It’s time for the Urchatz. Where we all wash our hands before the meal with this.

KRAMER PASSES A BOWL FILLED WITH WATER TO ELAINE. 

ELAINE

OK...

ELAINE WASHES HER HANDS. THEN WHEN SHE IS DIRECTED BY KRAMER TO PASS THE BOWL TO THE NEXT PERSON, JERRY REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON. HE TURNS HORRIFIED:

JERRY

Wait. We’re all washing our hands with the same bowl of water. That’s—that’s crazy! It defeats the whole purpose of washing your hands! Washing them with the filth of other people’s hands? Why even wash your hands if you’re going to wash your hands like that?!

GEORGE'S LOVE INTEREST, YAEL, FINISHES WASHING HER HANDS. SHE PASSES THE BOWL TO GEORGE. EVEN THOUGH THE BOWL HAS BEEN USED BY ELAINE, GEORGE’S PARENTS, AND KRAMER, GEORGE GLEEFULLY WASHES HIS HANDS IN THE WATER FOR YAEL’S BENEFIT.

GEORGE

I don’t mind one bit. I find it revitalizing, refreshing, and completely sanitary.

GEORGE PASSES THE BOWL TO JERRY.

GEORGE

Jerry?

JERRY

No, thanks.

YAEL

But, Jerry, you must. 

JERRY

I’m good.

YAEL LOOKS VERY DISAPPOINTED.

YAEL

You’re the only one at the table who hasn’t. And you’re the host!

GEORGE NOTICES HIS LOVE INTEREST’S SEVERE DISAPPOINTMENT. HE RE-EXTENDS THE BOWL TO JERRY.

GEORGE

Jerry. Take it. Wash your hands.

JERRY

Nuh-uh.

ELAINE

Go ahead, Jer. I did it. First. But still.

JERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD NO.

GEORGE

Wash your hands, Jerry!

JERRY VEHEMENTLY SHAKES HIS HEAD NO.

GEORGE GRABS JERRY’S HANDS AND DUNKS THEM IN THE WATER. JERRY MAKES A COMPLETELY DISGUSTED FACE. BUT YAEL LOOKS HAPPY. GEORGE NOTICES, FEELS JUSTIFIED. HE RELEASES JERRY’S HANDS. JERRY STARES AT HIS RUINED HANDS.

adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109


haggadah Section: Urchatz
Source: The Yada Yada Haggadah by Dave Cowen