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Introduction
Source : The Yada Yada Haggadah by Dave Cowen
Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

JERRY

Do you know why they call it Passover? G-d told Moses that the Israelites should mark their doorposts with lamb’s blood. So that He could “pass over” their houses. And spare them from the plague of the killing of the first born. My question is: Who was put in charge of telling everyone? That’s a big job. There’s a lot counting on that job. What if someone isn’t home? How did they tell them? Did they leave a note? Probably not. The Egyptians could see it. Would have ruined the whole plan. Did they just take the liberty of putting lamb’s blood on the door? What about when that family gets home, sees blood all over their door? “Honey, do you see this? Someone put blood on our door. Someone’s out to get us! You better get off the couch and wipe this off.” “I’m busy! Have our first born do it!”

adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109

Introduction
Source : The Trump Passover Haggadah by Dave Cowen
Stephen Miller Removes/Deports The Hametz

STEPHEN MILLER: Hi everyone, I’m Stephen Miller, 34 year-old Senior Policy Advisor to President Trump. I’m a Jewish man from Santa Monica, California, which, there are a lot of us there, but they’re mostly the kind of Jews that are very unfair to President Trump, and, frankly, don’t understand what the stablest genius I’ve ever met is trying to do with this country, and its illegal immigrants, who are completely different from other immigrants, like the Jews, that came and made this country great. 

Analogously, our G-d, the President of the World, the Leader of the Free Universe, the Commander In Chief of the Cosmos, has instructed us to remove all Hametz from our domain. Many households informally adopt the practice of amnesty for their Hametz. 

These sanctuary households contend that they don’t need to remove what’s not really hurting anyone, what’s been in the domain for a long time, just sitting in the cabinet. They say it’s beneficial to their household to keep their box of Triscuits or their package of Flour Tortillas, because those foodstuffs keep for more than 8 days, longer than the length of Passover, and then can be eaten again afterwards. I enjoy Triscuits. I don’t care for Flour Tortillas. 

But sanctuary households, listen up, removing Hametz is the law of the land. And the law of the land must be followed. No exceptions. 

Like undocumented immigrants, all Hametz is illegal and must be removed. Technically, all should be searched for, collected, and burned. But there are some moderates at the table, who think that goes too far. I’m looking at you, Gary Cohn. And so, we say the prayer of the removal of the Hametz:

EVERYONE:

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al biur hametz.

Praised Are You, Our G-d, President of the World, Leader of the Free Universe, Commander In Chief of the Cosmos, who blesses us with mitzvot and instructs us to remove hametz.

adapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1976722772

Introduction
Source : Foundation for Family Education, Inc.
(sung to the tune of “Take me out to the ball game")
 
Take us out of Egypt
Free us from slavery
Bake us some matzah in a haste
Don't worry 'bout flavor--
Give no thought to taste.
Oh it's rush, rush, rush, to the Red Sea
If we don't cross it's a shame
For it's ten plagues,
Down and you're out
At the Pesach history game
Introduction
Source : www.notesfromthetribe.com
Matzah

It's lunchtime.

Matzah, gefilte fish, and Leben. 

Again.

Immediately you feel a pair of eyes.

Between bites of his footlong turkey on jalapeno cheddar, your co worker inquires:

'What is that?'

'It's fish….sort of….'

'No! No! that white cracker thing….'

You break off a small piece without hesitation and hand it over.

He chews it slowly.

He lights up.

'Hey! That stuff isn't bad!!!'

Try eating it for eight days, you think.

Introduction
Source : Monty Python Haggadah

To help us remember the story of the first Passover, we have assembled various symbolic foods on a Seder plate. There's egg and spam; shankbone and spam; greens and spam, bitter herbs and spam, charoses and spam, and spam, and spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam matzoh and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! 

But I can't eat spam, it's not kosher! 

Introduction
Source : Original by Warren Hoffman
I'm in hour three of cleaning my kitchen and there's still no end in sight.

Crouching on my kitchen floor, refrigerator door open, food stuffs spoiling around me, I wonder

Is this what the Israelites did? 

Did they throw out their moldy jars of pasta sauce and shriveled vegetables, so rotten I'm not sure what some of the things once were?

I have taken my kitchen apart in a rather manic fashion.  Pots to scour sit on the countertops, cabinet doors are open, their shelves needing to be wiped, chametz begs to be discarded.

I thought the Israelites were in a hurry to get away.  Did they let their "Easy-Off" sit overnight in their ovens as the can recommends? 

I try not to think about the hours of cooking that still lie ahead, and the house that needs to be cleaned before guests arrive, and all the other “ands” that are making my head spin.

I could say this is "slavery" that I'm experiencing, what my ancestors went through, but that would be insulting to them. 

How am I supposed to connect to this holiday that seems more like one long advertisement for Soft Scrub and Clorox than a spiritual journey?

Another 18 minutes passes, enough time to bake matzo, and I haven’t done a thing, lost in some foggy cleaning stupor.  The refrigerator door is still open, energy just spilling out.  My kitchen looks like something out of Hoarders and I start to panic that if I don’t get out of there soon, I'll be buried alive amidst the half-eaten burrito and pots and pans and dirty paper towels that surround me. 

I crawl through the debris of the kitchen on my hands and knees, pushing months of old food away from me, and make my way to the dining room where bags of overpriced Passover goods sit.  I'm already regretting the impulse buy of the kosher for Passover pizza that I know will taste like a soggy shoe that someone left in the gutter. 

On my dining room table sits a megapack of matzo.  More boxes then I'll ever need, but hey, I know a deal when I see one and the megapack, stuffed with enough cardboard-like crackers to ensure that my bowels need not visit my bathroom for the next 8 days, is truly a bargain.

I rip open the plastic packaging and take out a box and hold it in my hands.  The Israelites, with the Egyptians fast on their heels, made matzo because they didn't have time to let the dough rise. 

But no one is chasing me now, the clock quietly ticking, the house deathly still.  And yet, suddenly, I feel the need to run too.  To get out of my house, away from my kitchen with the petrified vegetables and moldy salad dressing and stale burrito. 

To feel something, anything , that will connect me to this ancient holiday that we’re supposed to experience at seder as if we were there.  As if we were slaves ourselves, sitting at our Williams-Sonoma place settings, eating overpriced kosher meat made with our Cuisinart appliances. 

We are meant to feel, to empathize.

But I feel nothing and for once I want to feel something.  Even a little bit.

And so I take a single box of matzo from the megapack and open my front door. 

The kids of my Mexican neighbors are playing out front.  A trash truck is slowly turning down my street like a lumbering elephant. 

I’m lucky, I know.  What a great time to be living.  I step outside onto my stoop, leaving the front door ajar, no bloody marks telling the Angel of Death to stay away, and holding my box of matzo, like my Israelite ancestors, I start to run and I don’t look back.

Introduction
Source : Original

The Sorting Hat of Passover

                        You might belong in Gryffindor where dwell the brave at heart.  They forge the path for those to come with justice, tzedek, from the start!

You might belong in Hufflepuff where they are just and loyal.  Those patient ‘Puffs are true and unafraid of Middle Eastern turmoil!

Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw if you’ve a ready mind.  Where those of wit and learning will always find chevruta in kind.

Or perhaps in Slytherin you’ll make your real friends.  Those cunning folks use any sources to achieve their Talmudic ends.

Though I must fulfill my duty and must divide the table every year; still I wonder whether sorting may not bring the end I fear.  Oh, know the Bible, read the Siddur, the warning with which history is fraught.  For our Seder is in danger from external deadly thought!  And we must stay united or we’ll crumble from within; I have told you, I have warned you, let the Jewish learning begin!

Introduction
Introduction
Source : Adapted by KNZR from various sources.

We were slaves in Egypt, now we are free. Let’s have a Seder! What’s on the Seder plate? Egg, herbs, bone, greens, charoset Let’s drink some wine. Why is this night different? Why is this child different? Ten plagues on the Egyptians. Enough already – Dayeinu! Drink wine again. Matzah, Maror, Hillel sandwich, let’s eat! Where’s the Afikoman? Thanks for the food! Drink some more Wine. Open the door for Elijah! Drink some wine – last one. Thanking and singing. Next year in Jerusalem!

Introduction
Source : Adapted by KNZR from various sources.
  • Were slaves, now free. Seder!
  • Seder plate? Stuff.
  • Wine!
  • Why is this night?
  • Why is this child?
  • PLAGUES! Dayeinu!
  • Wine!
  • Matzah, Maror, Charoset
  • Let’s eat!
  • Afikoman?
  • Wine!
  • Elijah.
  • Wine!
  • Singing.
  • Next year in Jerusalem!
Introduction

Seder Guests

To the tune of “Matchmaker”

Seder guests, seder guests lend me your ear

We’ve all arrived

Another year

Seder guests, seder guests look in your book

Tonight we drink wine, not beer.

For Papa, please pay attention

For Mama, get through all of the steps.

For me, well, I wouldn’t mention

If matzah ball soup was just all we get

Seder guests, seder guests, mah nishtanah?

Let us find out

What Israelites saw.

We tell the story to the little ones…

So…let’s do Kadesh

Next step urchatz

When do we eat?

That parts the best

Our seder has now begun!

Kadesh
Source : Original Illustration from Haggadot.com
Four Cups of Wine

Kadesh
Source : Open Source Haggadah

KADESH: Happy Hour begins

Humorous
Bangitout.com
Q. "Red, Red, Wine...Stay close to me" -- Why Red Wine, Bob?

Sure there is the whole symbolic "looks like blood" thing (Jewish slaves or Paschal Lamb? You make the call) -- but the Ishbitzer Rav gives a novel interpretation: Wine, is the product of a long process (the longer it takes, the more expensive!) From the grape to the bottle, it goes through some long hard processes. So too, the Jewish Nation also requires a long process toward perfection: Egyptian slavery, then the desert, then centuries of exile and persecution. We've been through a lot. But says the Ishbitzer, just like wine, the results will be sweet. This is precisely why we always use wine for all of our holidays, a constant reminder to this idea (and is the reason why if no wine is available on Shabbos, one should make Kiddush on the challah, as bread too is an amazing product of a long hard process) Cheers! 

Q: Drinking is for Purim not Pesach?

Don't get bummed if you can't hold your wine. The Avnei Nezer feels that Pesach is a continuation to Purim. When the Talmud (Ta'anit 29a) says "When entering Adar, increase your simcha," Rashi explains that it applies to both months of redemption, Adar and Nissan. This is a good explanation why we celebrate Purim during the second Adar in a leap year: to keep Purim and Pesach next to each other. Therefore, says the Avnei Nezer, the wine is a continuation of the celebration of Purim. But know when to say when, four cups is enough! 

Q: Why does Judaism always start meals with wine?  

Wine is a drink that lightens the mood and loosens people up (God knows we need all 4 cups especially with all our family on Pesach). Our sages even say that: "There is no simcha, (joyous occasion) without wine." However a fundamental lesson we can take away from Kadesh, is that Judaism believes that part of our goal in life is to find the holiness and spirituality in everything in this world. To sanctify that which is mundane. The word "Kadesh" can also mean to separate. To mikadesh the night with wine is to make this night, and this cup something separate, something special, something unique. Wine is just a regular drink. But by sanctifying wine, we are showing that we can live in the physical world, and enjoy it, while at the same time find holiness into that very same experience. If we use wine in the correct manner and at the correct time, it can provide the physical and spiritual high we all are longing for. L'Chaim.

Urchatz
Source : Various
2020 Seder Order

Urchatz
Source : The Yada Yada Haggadah by Dave Cowen

Seinfeld Urchatz by Dave Cowen (adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah)

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ELAINE

Now what?

KRAMER

It’s time for the Urchatz. Where we all wash our hands before the meal with this.

KRAMER PASSES A BOWL FILLED WITH WATER TO ELAINE. 

ELAINE

OK...

ELAINE WASHES HER HANDS. THEN WHEN SHE IS DIRECTED BY KRAMER TO PASS THE BOWL TO THE NEXT PERSON, JERRY REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON. HE TURNS HORRIFIED:

JERRY

Wait. We’re all washing our hands with the same bowl of water. That’s—that’s crazy! It defeats the whole purpose of washing your hands! Washing them with the filth of other people’s hands? Why even wash your hands if you’re going to wash your hands like that?!

GEORGE'S LOVE INTEREST, YAEL, FINISHES WASHING HER HANDS. SHE PASSES THE BOWL TO GEORGE. EVEN THOUGH THE BOWL HAS BEEN USED BY ELAINE, GEORGE’S PARENTS, AND KRAMER, GEORGE GLEEFULLY WASHES HIS HANDS IN THE WATER FOR YAEL’S BENEFIT.

GEORGE

I don’t mind one bit. I find it revitalizing, refreshing, and completely sanitary.

GEORGE PASSES THE BOWL TO JERRY.

GEORGE

Jerry?

JERRY

No, thanks.

YAEL

But, Jerry, you must. 

JERRY

I’m good.

YAEL LOOKS VERY DISAPPOINTED.

YAEL

You’re the only one at the table who hasn’t. And you’re the host!

GEORGE NOTICES HIS LOVE INTEREST’S SEVERE DISAPPOINTMENT. HE RE-EXTENDS THE BOWL TO JERRY.

GEORGE

Jerry. Take it. Wash your hands.

JERRY

Nuh-uh.

ELAINE

Go ahead, Jer. I did it. First. But still.

JERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD NO.

GEORGE

Wash your hands, Jerry!

JERRY VEHEMENTLY SHAKES HIS HEAD NO.

GEORGE GRABS JERRY’S HANDS AND DUNKS THEM IN THE WATER. JERRY MAKES A COMPLETELY DISGUSTED FACE. BUT YAEL LOOKS HAPPY. GEORGE NOTICES, FEELS JUSTIFIED. HE RELEASES JERRY’S HANDS. JERRY STARES AT HIS RUINED HANDS.

adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109

Urchatz
Source : http://www.templerodefshalom.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/2013-SederSongs1.pdf
I Want to Wash My Hands

to the tune of “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles

Oh yeah, I’ll tell you something It’s one of God’s commands

When you start the Seder You need to wash your hands

You need to wash your hands

You need to wash your hands

Oh my what a feeling

Before the paschal lamb

And yes it’s appealing I want to wash my hands

I want to wash my hands

I want to wash my hands

And we wash them when we say the Barchu 

I pass the bowl around and say

On to you, on to you, on to you

Yeah, You got us praying To reach the Promised Land

Hear this we’re conveying

We want to wash our hands

We want to wash our hands

We want to wash our hands

©2013 David Vanca and Lizzy Pike 

Karpas
Source : The Yada Yada Haggadah by Dave Cowen

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

ELAINE

Now do we eat? I’m starving.

KRAMER
Sort of. Next up is the Karpas. Who wants to do the Karpas? Yael?

George's love interest Yael replies:

YAEL

I’d be honored. For the Karpas, we dip fresh green vegetables into bitter, salty water. It symbolizes the celebration of a painful moment in Jewish history, by combining a metaphor of tears and slavery, the salt water, with one of spring and rebirth, the green vegetable, in this case, the big salad Elaine brought.

YAEL DIPS SOME OF THE BIG SALAD INTO THE SALT WATER. SHE BITES THE VEGETABLE. 

YAEL

Mmm.

YAEL PASSES THE KARPAS TO GEORGE. HE TAKES THE BIG SALAD AND SALT WATER NEXT, DIPS, AND BITES.

GEORGE

Mmm.

YAEL SMILES. HOWEVER, GEORGE THEN RE-DIPS THE BITTEN VEGETABLE INTO THE SALT WATER AND TAKES ANOTHER BITE.

GEORGE

Mmmmmmm.

YAEL LOOKS AT GEORGE. SHE’S DISGUSTED.

YAEL

What are you doing?

GEORGE

What?

YAEL

You just double dipped the Karpas?

GEORGE

Excuse me?

YAEL

You dipped the Karpas. Bit it. And dipped it again.

GEORGE

So?

George's Father, Frank, yells at him:

FRANK

It’s like putting your whole mouth in the Karpas, George!

GEORGE

I didn’t get enough salt water the first time. I like to really feel the tears of our people. Is that so bad?

YAEL

There’s no double dipping. In general. Of anything.

George's mother criticizes him:

ESTELLE

Who raised you to double dip? We didn’t raise him to double dip. I can tell you that. 

FRANK

I’m sorry you had to see that, Yael.

GEORGE

Can we just say the prayer already?!

EVERYONE:

lDWuGI8P1Q3xO5Aw-k8p_lC2EJJ72T4ctaIyUVE4LYxEy9IuMmVmsRnyULUwNlROcXqWRAJUOGP2ul7T1t48jReaG2hrsvycZ-jlwTADMnwQJgYIyZh1S_hiZn19lo01xw5D0n00

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha`olam, bo'rei p'ri ha'adama.

Praised Are You, Our G-d, who creates the fruit of the earth.

adapted From The Yada Yada Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1793219109

Karpas
Source : SippingSeder.com
Karpas Cocktail

Karpas is a vegetable other than bitter herbs on the seder plate, and it represents the coming of spring. It is usually parsley, but celery or cooked potato are sometimes also used. At the beginning of the seder, the karpas is dipped into salt water (Ashkenazi custom), vinegar (Sephardic custom) or charoset (Yemenite custom). The practice symbolizes the tears shed by enslaved Jews in Egypt.

Following a fairly literal approach, our karpas cocktail involves parsley and balsamic vinegar. We combine these with Leopolds's American Small Batch Gin, which has some light flowery flavors that pair well with the subtle vegetal taste of the parsley. We definitely suggest using flat or Italian parsley instead of the curly variety, which we found a bit bitter. The effect of the vinegar is subtle, but it adds a nice complexity to the brighter flavors.

Ingredients:

2 oz (60 ml) Leopold’s Gin

2 sprigs Flat or Italian Parsley – leaves only

3 drops Balsamic Vinegar

Directions:

1) Combine all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake gently to chill the drink and bruise the parsley.

2) Strain through a fine mesh strainer into a chilled cocktail glass.

3) Garnish with a single parsley leaf floating in the drink.

Notes:

The gentle shaking is the key to this cocktail. You want to roll the drink back and forth in the shaker to release the flavor of the parsley without overly macerating the leaves.

Yachatz
Source : Haggadot.com
Afikomen Prize

Yachatz
Source : www.friendseder.com
Aim for the Middle

WE’RE UNBREAKING UP

Reflect: Our world is broken and we are often unintentionally the source of that breaking. What’s something (object, relationship, etc.) you intentionally or unintentionally broke this past year?

The Jewish tradition teaches that it’s not up to us to finish the work of repairing all that is broken with the world, but that we still must engage and do all we can. What actions will you take this year to heal and repair?

Break the middle matzah of the three at the head of the table – the bigger half magically becomes the Afikoman (more on that later). See if you can snag it when the leader isn’t looking and hold it ransom – we can’t finish our #friendseder™ without it!

Yachatz

[To the tune of "I've Been Working on the Railroad"]

We've been working on these buildings;

Pharaoh doesn't pay.

We've been doing what he tells us

Mixing the straw with the clay

Can't you hear the master calling,

"Hurry up, make that brick!"

Can't you feel the master whip us

'Til we're feeling sick.

Oy vay, it's a mess, a terrible distress,

Oy vey, it's a mess for Jews, us Jews

Oy vay, it's a mess, a terrible distress,

Oy vey, it's a mess for Jews.

Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh,

Warning of all God's clout, clout, clout, clout.

Moshe's in the palace with Pharaooooooooooh,

And God's gonna get us out!

We're singing...

Fee, fi, fiddely eye oh,

Make our Matzahs "to go" oh oh oh.

Fee, fi, fiddely eye oooooooooh,

Stick it to the ol' Pharaoh!

Yachatz
Song - Don't sit on the Afikomen

( Sung to the tune "Glory, Glory Halleluyah" )

My dad at every Seder breaks a matza piece in two
And hides the Afikomen half --
A game for me and you.
Find it, hold it ransom for the Seder isn't through
'till the Afikomen's gone.

Don't sit on the Afikomen.
Don't sit on the Afikomen.
Don't sit on the Afikomen.
Or the meal will last all night.

One year daddu hit it 'neath a pillow on a chair
But just as I raced over, my Aunt Sophie sat down there.
She threw herself upon it - Awful crunching filled the air
And crumbs flew all around.

Don't sit on the Afikomen...

There were matzah crumbs all over - Oh, it was a messy sight.
We swept up all the pieces though it took us half the night.
So, if you want your seder ending sooner than dawn's light,
Don't sit on the Afiko-o-men.

Don't sit on the Afikomen...

Maggid - Beginning
Source : www.notesfromthetribe.com
Moses, Aaron, and Pharaoh

I want to make a big-budget Hollywood film about the Exodus from Egypt—sort of a prequel to ‘the greatest story ever told,’ Charlton Heston's “Ten Commandments.”  I already have the perfect title: "How to Lose a Pharaoh in 10 Plagues,” in part, an homage to "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." While this movie may not be a romantic comedy like its big screen correlate (though I'm open to suggestions), the two stories, like their titles, will be strikingly similar.

In his most challenging role yet, Matthew McConaughey will play the arrogant bare-chested pharaoh, and in a breakthrough role as a man, Kate Hudson will play the lovable leader of the Jewish people, Moses.   Much like the on-screen relationship they shared in 2003, the cocksure pharaoh, with a southern drawl, will attempt to keep his hold on the impetuous yet congenial prophet whilst he (she) will do everything to break free.  In both films, Hudson uses every weapon in her arsenal to make herself completely unwanted and more trouble than she's worth. Though, instead of using tactics like rearranging furniture and emotional outbursts to get rid of McConaughey, in my film she will employ the wrath of God by sending plague upon plague until eventually all the first-born of Egypt are slain.  Of course, this will result in a third act denouement, in which pharaoh will release Moses and the Jewish people only to realize what he's lost and send his forces to get them back.  This is where my film and its inspiration differ.


In the original, Matt races down the Manhattan Bridge on a motorcycle during a you're-going-to-leave-town-forever-unless-I-can-stop-you scene where he confesses his love to Kate and the two embrace as the credits roll.  My vision is to have a large CGI sequence in which Hudson calls upon Hashem to part the Red Sea and destroy the impending Egyptian army.  Don't get me wrong, I do have an 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' attitude about my work, which is why I’ll preserve sentiment of the film.  Essentially, both are stories about a relationship of utility that, once severed, reveal release and the seemingly magical triumph of choice and action. But, I want James Cameron to direct mine.  Oh, and I want the whole thing to be in 3-D.

 

 

Maggid - Beginning

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes

Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes

Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings

These are a few of our passover things. 

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset

Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses

Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings

These are a few of our Passover things. 

Motzi and maror and trouble with

Pharoahs Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows Matzah balls floating and eggshell that cling

These are a few of our Passover things. 

When the plagues strike

When the lice bite When we're feeling sad

We simply remember our Passover things

And then we don't feel so bad. 

-- Four Questions
Source : www.acs.ucalgary.ca/~elsegal/Uncle_Eli/Eli.html

The Four Questions

Why is it only
on Passover night
we never know how
to do anything right?
We don't eat our meals
in the regular ways,
the ways that we do
on all other days.

'Cause on all other nights
we may eat
all kinds of wonderful
good bready treats,
like big purple pizza
that tastes like a pickle,
crumbly crackers
and pink pumpernickel,
sassafras sandwich
and tiger on rye,
fifty felafels in pita,
fresh-fried,
with peanut-butter
and tangerine sauce
spread onto each side
up-and-down, then across,
and toasted whole-wheat bread
with liver and ducks,
and crumpets and dumplings,
and bagels and lox,
and doughnuts with one hole
and doughnuts with four,
and cake with six layers
and windows and doors.
Yes--
on all other nights
we eat all kinds of bread,
but tonight of all nights
we munch matzo instead.

And on all other nights
we devour
vegetables, green things,
and bushes and flowers,
lettuce that's leafy
and candy-striped spinach,
fresh silly celery
(Have more when you're finished!)
cabbage that's flown
from the jungles of Glome
by a polka-dot bird
who can't find his way home,
daisies and roses
and inside-out grass
and artichoke hearts
that are simply first class!
Sixty asparagus tips
served in glasses
with anchovy sauce
and some sticky molasses--
But on Passover night
you would never consider
eating an herb
that wasn't all bitter.

And on all other nights
you would probably flip
if anyone asked you
how often you dip.
On some days I only dip
one Bup-Bup egg
in a teaspoon of vinegar
mixed with nutmeg,
but sometimes we take
more than ten thousand tails
of the Yakkity-birds
that are hunted in Wales,
and dip them in vats
full of Mumbegum juice.
Then we feed them to Harold,
our six-legged moose.
Or we don't dip at all!
We don't ask your advice.
So why on this night
do we have to dip twice?

And on all other nights
we can sit as we please,
on our heads, on our elbows,
our backs or our knees,
or hang by our toes
from the tail of a Glump,
or on top of a camel
with one or two humps,
with our foot on the table,
our nose on the floor,
with one ear in the window
and one out the door,
doing somersaults
over the greasy k'nishes
or dancing a jig
without breaking the dishes.
Yes--
on all other nights
you sit nicely when dining--
So why on this night
must it all be reclining?

-- Four Questions

FOUR QUESTIONS [asked in sarcasm with big eye rolls]

Like seriously why is this night like soooo different from all the other nights? They’re just nights.

  • Like seriously why is it – are you kidding me? - that like on all the other nights – every single night – all the time – we eat either leavened bread or matza – no, we don’t but, if that’s like what you want to believe than fine, go ahead - , but on this night we eat only matza plus a bunch of other stuff that’s mostly disgusting?
  • Like seriously why – are you joking? - is it that on all other nights we eat all kinds of vegetables – ya, right, in your parent dreams - but on this night we eat bitter herbs – and it’s super hot like wasabi or something?
  • Like seriously why is it that on all other nights we do not dip [our food] even once except when we are eating French fries & ketchup or any other of about ten zillion situations, but on this night we dip them twice like we’re robots or something?
  • Like seriously why is it that on all other nights we dine either sitting upright or reclining which is so not true because when we slouch you get like sooooo mad at us, but ya, sure if that’s what you want to believe, just go ahead, and fine and so on this night we all like just recline – even though I am reading this sitting straight up and you are all sitting there just listening and like none of you are reclining not even a little but whatever?
-- Four Questions
Source : www.notesfromthetribe.com
Ma Nishtanah

I gave my tenth and last performance of the Ma Nishtanah during the second night of  seder at the age of ten. Friends and family gathered around the table to witness the  final impassioned rendition. You see, when you're the son of a Cantor, people expect a lot of you.  And I delivered year after year. Question after question. That night was no exception. Some children need the crutch of transliteration. I didn't even need a Hagaddah. Going completely off book, I begged of the table: "Ma nishtana ha-laila ha-zeh mi-kol ha-leilot?"  Without a script, I had the freedom to gesture, to look into their eyes and demand to know why we were dipping our herbs twice that evening. To my recollection there was applause. But truth be told, the glory of the four questions is short lived. There's always someone younger, cuter, just waiting to take your place.  And quite literally, with a baby sister who was turning five, I was getting too old for it.

I haven't sung that song in 16 years. So this year, I created a new set of questions that have been on my mind:

1. If the purpose of engaging the children during the seder is to fulfill the duty of passing the story down, wouldn't it make more sense just to plop them in front of a television and pop in "The Prince of Egypt?" The story itself is far less convoluted than the one in the Haggadah.  Not to mention the fact that it is told through a medium targeted at children, complete with modern animation and an award winning sound track. I'm an adult and still have trouble wrapping my head around the part about the five rabbis and difference between anger, wrath, indignation, trouble and messengers of evil. 

2. I know that it's not particularly Jewish, but being as it is probably the most famous seder, I can't help but wonder: who sang the Ma Nishtanah at the last supper (I would assume it was John as he was the youngest disciple)? Furthermore did they have an afikoman? And if everyone present was eating matzah why are they never depicted with crumbs all over their robes? Also, at the end did they bother saying 'Next year in Jerusalem?' 

3.When do we eat?*

 

*In the interest of the third question, I have removed the fourth.

 

-- Four Questions
Source : Monty Python Haggadah

Setting: A dusty street in an small Egyptian city.

Moses: It's time to ask the five questions.

Aaron: Four, sir! It's FOUR questions.

Moses: Right. Thou shalt ask four. No more. No less. Four shall be the number thou shalt ask, and the number of the asking shall be four. Five shalt thou not ask, nor either ask thou three, excepting that thou then proceed to four.

Enter King Arthur and the Black Knight. King Arthur fights the Black Knight. First King Arthur cuts off the Black Knight's right arm, but he keeps on fighting. Then Arthur cuts off the Black Knight's left arm, followed by his right leg, and then finally cuts off his left leg. The Black Knight keeps fighting. King Arthur turns toward the camera with a puzzled look and asks, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Pause. Let the audience groan.

Then continue. Yes, we know that's only one question, but who's counting?

-- Four Questions
Source : Original by Heidi Aycock

On all other nights, we get biscuits and rolls,
Fluffy and puffy and full of air holes.
Why on this night, why, tell me why,
Only this flat stuff that’s always so dry.

On all other nights, we eat all kinds of greens,
And I’m starting to like them – except lima beans.
Why on this night, I ask on my knees,
Do we eat stuff so bitter it makes grownups wheeze?

On all other nights, we dip vegies just once –
Just try dipping twice and they’ll call you a dunce.
Why on this night, why, tell me true,
Why double-dipping’s the right thing to do.

On all other nights, we sit up when we munch.
You’ll choke if you slump! You’ll croak if you hunch!
Why on this night, if anyone knows,
Do we get to recline on my mom’s good pillows.

Why is this night so different from most?
Why do we do things so odd and so gross?
Why do we tell the same stories and stuff?
Because when it’s Pesach, it’s never enough!

-- Four Children
Source : The Trump Passover Haggadah by Dave Cowen

IVANKA TRUMP: At every Seder there’s a Wise Child, a Wicked Child, a Simple Child, and a Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Ask a Question. Clearly, I’m The Wise Child. Who were you going to say, Tiff? As if. Now. What do I, Ivanka Trump, The Wise Child ask? Simple. "What are the testimonials, statutes and laws commanded of us?" The Wise Child is wise because she knows not to disobey. She may believe, for instance, that climate change is a real, already-happening, very clear and present danger likely to harm her young children, and billions of non-Trump children. But if the law of the land is: Climate Change doesn’t exist and it shouldn’t be studied by the E.P.A.? Then that is what The Wise Child obeys. Got it? Good.

TIFFANY TRUMP: I guess that makes me The Wicked Child? Cool. Whatevs. I’m supposed to ask, "What does this worship mean to you?" which implies that I’m excluding myself from the ceremony. Well, duh. Like, am I even a Trump? I’m not part of the initial Ivana three or the current Melania one. And Donald only started talking to me again when the R.N.C. told him I needed to be in the pictures. 

IVANKA TRUMP: Ah-hem. We now tell you, "I do this worship because G-d labored on my behalf by taking me out of Egypt." We’re also supposed to "blunt your teeth" for your wicked question.

TIFFANY TRUMP: Blunt my teeth? That is so extra.

DONALD TRUMP JR.: What’s this?

TIFFANY TRUMP: What’s what, Junior? 

DONALD TRUMP JR.: What’s this?

IVANKA TRUMP: He’s The Simple Child. He can literally only say, "What’s this?"

TIFFANY TRUMP: To everything?

DONALD TRUMP JR.: WHAT’S THIS?!

IVANKA TRUMP: Daddy only wants him saying those two words so he can’t get himself in any more trouble with Mueller. He can modulate his voice in volume to get his point across though. 

DONALD TRUMP JR.: WHAT’S THIS?!

IVANKA TRUMP: Junior, listen up, next we’re supposed to tell you: "With a strong hand G-d took us out of Egypt." Got it?

DONALD TRUMP JR.: what’s this?

TIFFANY TRUMP: I think that’s a no. What about you, Eric?

ERIC TRUMP: …

IVANKA TRUMP: He’s The Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Ask A Question.

ERIC TRUMP: …

TIFFANY TRUMP: Why doesn’t he know how to ask a question? He’s over thirty years old?

IVANKA TRUMP: I think he passed out from too much Eric Trump Wine.

TIFFANY TRUMP: OK...So, what do we tell him?

IVANKA TRUMP: We’re supposed to just say the same thing we said to you. But without blunting his teeth.

TIFFANY TRUMP: I hate this family.

DONALD TRUMP JR.: WHAT’S THIS?!

-

adapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1976722772

-- Four Children
-- Four Children
Source : http://cricutcritter.blogspot.com/2010/02/south-park.html
SP - Four Sons

-- Four Children
Source : Rabbi Eli Garfinkel
It’s eight o’clock on a festive eve The Haggadah sons shuffle past They are wise, and wicked, and simpleton And one who doesn’t know how to ask

The wise son says “Dad, wontcha call on me.” I know the Torah and the codes They’re good and they’re sweet And I know ‘em complete

The others might as well take a doze. La-di-die-diddy-die. . .

Sing us a song you’re the Pesah man Sing us a song tonight Well we’re all in the mood for a macaroon And you’ve got us feeling alright.

The wicked son curses: “bleep bleep bleep” If he’d been there he’d have died And he’s quick with a poke or to tell a bad joke And if his lips are moving it’s a lie

He says, “Dad I believe this is killing me.” As a smile grew big on his face “Well I’m sure that I could be a movie star If I could get out of this place.

Low the third of the sons is a simple guy Neither a dolt nor Einstein He’s simply gonna ask So we’ll answer, no task

And I think that’s really just fine.

And the fourth of the sons really has no clue He can’t even get the words out So we’ll tell him the story We won’t make it real boring

I don’t see us needing to shout. La-di-die-diddy-die. . .

Sing us a song you’re the Pesah man Sing us a song tonight Well we’re all in the mood for a macaroon And you’ve got us feeling alright. 

-- Four Children
The Four Sons

As we tell the story, we think about it from all angles. Our tradition speaks of four different types of children who might react differently to the Passover seder. It is our job to make our story accessible to all the members of our community, so we think about how we might best reach each type of child:

What does the wise child say?

The wise child asks, What are the testimonies and laws which God commanded you?

You must teach this child the rules of observing the holiday of Passover.

What does the wicked child say?

The wicked child asks, What does this service mean to you?

To you and not to himself! Because he takes himself out of the community and misses the point, set this child’s teeth on edge and say to him: “It is because of what God did for me in taking me out of Egypt.” Me, not him. Had that child been there, he would have been left behind.

What does the simple child say?

The simple child asks, What is this?

To this child, answer plainly: “With a strong hand God took us out of Egypt, where we were slaves.”

What about the child who doesn’t know how to ask a question?

Help this child ask.

Start telling the story:

“It is because of what God did for me in taking me out of Egypt.”

-

Do you see yourself in any of these children? At times we all approach different situations like each of these children. How do we relate to each of them?

-- Four Children
Source : The AntiGirlfriend
The Four Sisters

-- Four Children

NO EGYPT NO CRY (Music Bob Marley with words modified by Rabbi Nadav Caine)

No, Egypt, no cry, No, Egypt, no cry, No, Egypt, no cry, No, Egypt, no cry. 

The wise one asks, "What are the laws that God requires of thee?"
Tell him there's a Seder, and an Afikomen, and in between we eat!
The wicked one says, “What's this mean to you”? But not “to me”!
The simple one adds, “What's this mean at all?" The fourth stares silently.

No Egypt No Cry, No Egypt No Cry,

Here Little Darlin Don't Shed No Tears. No Egypt No Cry.

Said, I remember when we used to build towers and roads in Egypt
Oppression hurt like a bitter herb; our taskmasters they beat us.
Good friends we have, oh, good friends we've lost along the way
In this great future, you can't forget your past, so dry your tears, I say

Ev’ry things gonna be alright, ev’ry things gonna be alright (x 4)
No Egypt, no cry, No, Egypt, no cry
Here, little darlin', don't shed no tears, No Egypt, no cry

Said, God freed us, helped us cross the sea, and drowned our oppressors,
Then Aaron would light the fire lights, as Miriam sang through the nights
Then we would bake our matzah, of which I'll share with you
Our history is our purpose, so we've got to push on through

Everything's gonna be alright, Everything's gonna be alright (x4)

Here little darlin’ don’t shed no tears.

Here little darlin’ don’t shed no tears. No Egypt no cry

-- Exodus Story
Source : The Trump Passover Haggadah by Dave Cowen

Donald Trump: You know, a lot of people don’t know The Exodus Story, I didn’t know it until very recently, not a lot of people know it, very complicated stuff. You got this guy, this Moses guy, leading his people. He’s kind of like the Jew President, right? OK, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, so I know a thing or two about this. Some people say, I’m not saying this, but there are people saying, they’re saying, Moses, if you look at it, if you really look at it, he wasn’t such a good leader, not such a good guy, this Moses. I’m not saying that, but many people are. 

Some of these people, they wish I had been Moses. They do. They say, if Trump was Moses, if Trump was Moses, they say, the Jews never would have been enslaved in the first place. They say if Trump was Moses, the Jews would have enslaved the Egyptians instead! And we would’ve enslaved them so well, like no one’s ever been enslaved before. No doubt about it. Real tough slavery, folks. The toughest slavery you’ve ever seen. So tough the Egyptians would be the ones wanting to have Seders right now. To celebrate escaping from us. Except, if I was Moses, the Egyptians would never have escaped. So they wouldn’t be having Seders. Because they’d still be our slaves.

But I’m not saying that. Other people are saying that. Many others. But not me. I will say, you probably wouldn’t have been slaves for two hundred years, if I was leading you, but that’s OK, that’s OK. I’m here now. Can we, can we try something tonight, folks? Can we all pretend I’m Moses. Let’s pretend. Why not? And then I’ll tell you what I’d really do if I was Moses. Everyone close your eyes for the story. Close your eyes, children. Eric, no peeking. So Trump is Moses, Trump’s the leader of the Jewish people, Trump’s a prophet, Trump’s been sent by G-d. Picture that. Not that hard, right? Kind of already what’s going on, isn’t it? But OK, here’s what I’m going to do to about this Pharaoh. This Pharaoh, he’s a real bad hombre. But we’re going to deal with him. Oh boy, we’re going to deal with him, bigly. Because I’m going to do something no one’s ever done. I don’t know why no one’s ever done it before, but, most people aren’t as smart as me, no one is, actually, I’m, like, the smartest guy in history, so that’s probably why they never thought of this. 

So people say, they say, Donald, if you’re Moses, you gotta leave Egypt, you gotta take the Jews out of Egypt, we’ve always left Egypt, that’s just how it’s done. I tell you what, though, if I’m Moses, we’re not leaving Egypt this time. That’s establishment thinking. That’s swamp thinking. And it stops now. We’re gonna make THEM leave. The Egyptians, you hear that? You’re gone, you’re out of here, bye-bye. How are we going to do that? We’re gonna do some real bad things to these Egyptians. The media’s not going to like it. The media’s going to say, "Oh, you can’t do that to the Egyptian people, Donald, they’ve lived in Egypt for a long time, most of them since they were born, they have rights, too, you know." But bottom line? They treated us very unfairly. So they’re gonna get plagued. Serious plaguing, people. No one’s ever seen plagues like these before. Because I’m not just Moses, I’m not just Donald Trump, I’m not just a Prophet sent by G-d. I’m also Hashem, G-d, President of the World, Ruler of the Cosmos, Dictator of the Universe, Blessed am I. That’s right! So I do the plagues, too! I’m going to do it all! I alone can fix this!

Instead of DAM, turning the Egyptians’ water into blood, and TZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on them, and KINIM, infecting them with lice, we’re going to do some actual plaguing. We’re going to pass some common-sense gun laws to keep mentally ill and criminal hands off of weapons and reduce mass shootings in their land. And we’re going to tamper down coal, oil, nuclear, and fracking energy, and release the power of solar, water, and wind energy instead. We’re also going to infect them with a tax reform similar to America’s in the mid-20th century, when taxes were so progressive that it paid for infrastructure and welfare programs that created the best economy for the most amount of its citizens in our history, instead of the best economy for the least amount of its citizens like during the Gilded Age and today. 

It’s gonna be chaos. Turmoil. A total disaster. 

Instead of AROV, sending wild beasts at them, DEVER, diseasing their livestock, and SH’HIN, giving them boils, which is some real light-weight stuff, we’re going to give them universal healthcare. It’s going to be so universal, even the boils will be covered. We’re also going to make sure their food and drug regulatory agencies are well-funded and well-staffed, so that their livestock won’t be secretly harboring hormones and other poisonous material that slowly diseases and kills people over a long period of time. And we’re going to send them an actual environmentalist as the administrator of their Environmental Protection Agency, who won’t cut National Park funding, so that the wild beasts have a place to run free, you know?

This is Egyptian carnage, people. This is scary scary stuff, OK? I don’t have to tell you what kind of results we’re going to see. 

Instead of BARAD, thunderstorms of hail, and ARBEH, a dispersal of locusts, and HOSHEKH, darkness for three days, which— I actually kind of like the darkness for three days thing, that’s pretty good. We’ll do that one, and then we’re going to let all of their immigrants, who work hard and enhance the culture of their community, stay. And cut their military budget just 5%, which would provide enough funds for free pre-school and college educations and completely end poverty without raising the debt and without even hurting the military, which would still be the best in the world.

Look, enacting these plagues will be a nightmare. Believe me. The Egyptians will be so determined to leave, even a wall wouldn’t stop them. It’ll be so bad for them, they’re going to drown themselves in the Red Sea.

And if that doesn’t work, instead of MAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of their firstborn, we’re just going to make sure contraceptives are available across the land. It’s much better, because they’ll have a lot less firstborns for us to kill, who their women might not have wanted anyway, because they wanted to have a stable career first, or wanted to make sure they’re with the right partner.

How about that? The worst, right, folks? There’s never been a leader of the Jewish people who plagued the Egyptians so well. You’re welcome.

MOSES: Hey, Donald!

DONALD TRUMP: Who’s that?! Did you just muss my hair?!

MOSES: I just mussed whatever’s on top of your bulbous head. It’s me, Moses! Sheket bevakasha!

DONALD TRUMP: Moses?! How? What does sheket bevakasha mean?! 

MOSES: It’s Hebrew for, "You’re fired!"

-

adapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1976722772

-- Exodus Story
Source : =Traditional

When Israel was in Egypt’s land,
Let My people go!
Oppressed so hard they could not stand,
Let My people go!

Refrain:
Go down, Moses,
Way down in Egypt’s land;
Tell old Pharaoh
To let My people go!

The Lord told Moses what to do,
Let My people go!
To lead the children of Israel through,
Let My people go!

You need not always weep and mourn,
Let My people go!
And wear these slav’ry chains forlorn,
Let My people go!

-- Exodus Story
Source : http://www.bricktestament.com/exodus/
Exodus story in LEGO

Sefer Shemot illustrated through LEGOs
-- Exodus Story
Source : http://beyonceder.tumblr.com
Beyonceder - Tell Him Boy Bye

-- Exodus Story
Source : Original
Star Wars / Sci-fi Seder Intro https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muNC3wfSj3A

This was my first attempt at creating video content for our Seder. This provides the introduction to our story, as the Jewdonians are enslaved by the evil people of the planent Egyptonia.

-- Exodus Story
-- Exodus Story
Skit - The Original Zoom

Skit - The Original Zoom

By 

Dave Cowen

MOSES

What a nice flock my father-in-law Jethro has. I love tending you, dear flock.

The flock mews in appreciation. Suddenly Moses realizes he’s on the far side of the wilderness and has come to Mount Horeb. There he sees a strange sight.

MOSES

What is this strange sight?

It is a bush that is burning but does not burn up.

BURNING BUSH

Please join this meeting in progress.

MOSES

What meeting?

BURNING BUSH

Join the Burning Bush meeting in progress.

MOSES

This is a strange form of meeting, but OK.

BURNING BUSH

Here is your meeting ID and password.

MOSES

This is a lot of numbers, but OK.

BURNING BUSH

Do not come any closer!

MOSES

Why not?

BURNING BUSH

We must practice physical and social distancing with the Burning Bush. That is the purpose of using the Burning Bush for a meeting.

MOSES

OK. Who am I meeting with?

BURNING BUSH

You are meeting with I am who I am.

MOSES

Who’s that?

BURNING BUSH

That is who wants to have this Burning Bush meeting with you.

MOSES
But I don’t know any “I am who I am.”

BURNING BUSH

You do know me. I am the God of your ancestors, the God of Abraham & Sarah, the God of Isaac & Rebecca, and the God of Jacob, Rachel & Leah.

MOSES

Oh wow. Well. Here I am, Yahweh. I think. Can you see me?

BURNING BUSH

Your face is hidden. You need to turn--

MOSES

Is this better?

BURNING BUSH

Yes, but now I can’t hear you. I think you just--

MOSES

Did I mute myself?

BURNING BUSH

Yeah, I just unmuted you.

MOSES

Great. Thanks. Oh no! Now Jethro’s flock just ran in here. Sorry.

BURNING BUSH

It’s OK. We all have flocks to tend. I’ll wait.

MOSES

OK. Got that under control. So. Why do you want to meet with me, Yahweh?

BURNING BUSH

I have seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a land flowing with milk and honey. And I am sending you to Pharaoh to tell him you’re bringing my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt.

MOSES
I’m sorry. You were really cutting out a lot there. I couldn’t quite hear everything you said. Maybe it was something on my end. You want me to lead the Jewish people out of Egypt?

BURNING BUSH

That’s basically it, yes.

MOSES

Pardon your servant, Lord. But I have always been ineloquent and challenged in platforms of communication. Clearly, you can tell from this Burning Bush meeting, which I am having so much trouble with. If this bringing of the Israelites out of Egypt might require new platforms of communication, I’m not sure I can do it myself. 

BURNING BUSH

Don’t worry. I will help you and will teach you how to communicate in any new platform that is required during these times. 

MOSES

Pardon your servant, Lord. But. Please employ someone else. New communication platforms are too difficult for me. 

BURNING BUSH

My anger burns! These are just platforms! They can be learned like anything else?! But fine. Your younger brother, Aaron, the Levite. He is younger, more of a native in these platforms. He is already on his way to help you, and you shall use him to. OK, I have to hop off now.

MOSES

Hop off? Are you also a rabbit?

BURNING BUSH

It’s just a phrase. That we use on this platform sometimes. Ask your brother, Aaron.

-- Ten Plagues
Source : Original
Skit - Pharaoh and Moses Go To A Conflict Counselor

Pharaoh and Moses Go To A Conflict Counselor

by Dave Cowen

Conflict Counselor
So what brings you two in today?

Pharaoh
Honestly, things have been pretty rough.

Conflict Counselor
Moses, would you say that’s true?

Moses
I’d say it’s been rough but it doesn’t have to be anymore.

Pharaoh
I just don’t understand, you really don’t want to be my slaves anymore?

Moses
No, we don’t.

Conflict Counselor
Pharaoh, what does it feel like to hear Moses say he and his people don’t want to be your slaves anymore?

Pharaoh
You know, it really hurts. I feel like we’ve done some beautiful things together. I mean, we couldn’t have built these pyramids if you weren’t our slaves. And those pyramids wouldn’t be a wonder of the world for years to come if it wasn’t for what we built together.

Moses
But now it’s time for us to go.

Pharaoh
But I think there’s so much more we could still be and do together. We could keep building wonders of the world. We could build a Great Wall or a Hanging Gardens. We could build a Great Library. There’s a site in Alexandria that I think would be perfect for a Great Library.

Moses
But me and my people don’t want to do those things. We want to go to our homeland of Israel

Pharaoh
Ugh. This homeland. Always with this homeland. You think life’s going to be so much better in this magical homeland? Well, I doubt it.

Moses
It’s got to be better than this.

Conflict Counselor
Moses, what happens for you when Pharaoh disregards your wish to go to Israel?

Moses
It’s more what happens to him. G-d’s going to keep plaguing him and his people.

Pharaoh
It’s the worst. First the water turned to blood. Then there were frogs and locusts. And so many other things. So many things.

Moses
And yet you keep resisting what He’s telling you, which is that our relationship is over.

Conflict Counselor
Why do you keep resisting, Pharaoh?

Pharaoh
My heart, it just feels hardened.

Conflict Counselor
Why do you think that is?

Pharaoh
Well, I think I saw Moses’s relatives Jacob and Joseph getting along so well with my Dad, the previous Pharaoh, all those years, and honestly, I feel jealous. Like, why can’t I have that with the Jews, too?

Conflict Counselor
And yet, you have the exact opposite.

Pharaoh
It’s true.

Conflict Counselor
Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go, Pharaoh.

Moses
This is your last chance. You saw what G-d just did to the first born.

Conflict Counselor
So what will you do, Pharaoh, will you let Moses and his people go?

Pharaoh
OK, Fine, fine, whatever, fine, OK, sure.

Conflict Counselor
That didn’t sound very sure.

Pharaoh
I’m sure. I am. I’m sure. Just go. Just go.

Conflict Counselor

And you won’t change your mind?

Pharaoh
As of this moment. As of this moment, I can promise I won’t change my mind.

Conflict Counselor
Moses, what would happen if Pharaoh changes his mind again?

Moses
I don’t know. But I don’t think he wants to find out.

Pharaoh
So this concludes our counseling?

Conflict Counselor
I guess it does. If you think this is a real sea change for you, Pharaoh. Do you agree, Pharaoh, that this a real sea change for you?

Pharaoh
I believe it is.

Conflict Counselor
Do you agree, Moses?

Moses
We’ll see what happens to the sea.

-- Ten Plagues

Dom, Dom, This Plague is Red
(sung to the sung of Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead)
(by Gary Teblum)

Dom, Dom, this plague is red
Which bad plague
The bloody plague
Dom, Dom, the plague of blood is red

Pharoah – hear what I said
Let them go, or you’ll be dead.
Pharoah, the plague of blood is red.

The Nile will turn to blood
Oh no, that’s worse than flood
Yo-ho, yo ho, yo ho
Don’t cling, just let them all out.

Dom, Dom, you’ll worry so
Don’t ask why, just let us go.
Don’t you know the plague of blood is red!

-- Ten Plagues

1          Muffin bottoms

2          Phusilli Pharaoh

3          The Kavorka

4          Frozen tofu yogurt

5          BBO (Beyond BO)

6          Regifting

7          Poisoned envelopes

8          The English Patient

                                                           

9          Jambalaya

10       The Killing of the first Bubble Boy

Rabbi David gave them acronyms:

MuBoPhuPhaKa

                       

FroToYoBBO

`           `           RePeEP

JamKifiBuBo

-- Ten Plagues
Source : Original song parody of Paul Simon lyrics

The problem is all inside your head

God said to me

The answer is easy if you

Take it logically

I'd like to help you in your struggle

To be free

There must be fifty ways

To leave your Pharaoh

He said it's easy as throwing

Down your staff

I’m sure that Pharaoh and his

Court will get a laugh

But I'll repeat myself

Entirely on your behalf

There must be fifty ways

To leave your Pharaoh  

Fifty ways to leave your Pharaoh

Just turn water to blood, Bud

Get some amphibians,Vivian

Send in some lice, Bryce

Just get yourself free

Fetch a few flies, Guy

Just make the cows sick,

Rick Hit ‘em with hail, Gail

And get yourself free

God said it grieves me so

To see you in such pain

I wish there was something I could do

To make you smile again

I said I appreciate that

And would you please explain

About the fifty ways

God said to smear some blood

Above my door tonight

And I believe in the morning

You'll begin to see the light

And then He blessed me

And I realized He probably was right

There must be fifty ways

To leave your Pharaoh

Fifty ways to leave your Pharaoh

Just turn water to blood, Bud

Get some amphibians, Vivian

Send in some lice, Bryce

Just get yourself free

Keep the locusts in focus, Joseph

Navigate the dark, Mark

Cross the Red Sea, Bea

And get yourself free

-- Ten Plagues
Source : Bangitout.com Seder Sidekick

10. Persistently high interest rates

9.   Paying 5.00 dollars for a cup of coffee

8.   Facebook mob wars

7.   An hour too long with your extended family

6.   A Very Special episode of The “Jersey Shore” Seder

5.   Incapacitating flatulence

4.   No cell phone reception in Pharaoh's Palace

3.   Stranded on an Island with the Shamwow guy

2.   Warm Grape Juice

1.   Radio stations playing 'Walk Like an Egyptian' 24-7 

-- Ten Plagues

FIRST PLAGUE AS REPORTED ON TWITTER
by Jacob Richman, http://www.jr.co.il/humor/pass72.htm

CNN-Alerts: Egyptian water turns to blood

Jewish-Press: G-d sends first plague onto Egypt

BBC-Alerts: Egyptian officials say there is no problem.

Egypt-Ministry-of-Health: Temporary problem with the water supply

Egypt-Opposition: Do not drink the water

Muhamed-the-Egyptian: What the #%&!?

Jacob-the-Jew: What water problem??

Hamas-Guy: Tastes great, less filling

Pharo-the-Great: Anyone see that Moses dude?

Obama-Man: Give the negotiations a chance

Hillary-Clinton: This directed assault is an insult to the United States and our ally Egypt

EU-Council: We condem this aggressive act of violence

The-Hague: We condem the Israelites for war crimes against the Egyptians.

UN-Spokeman: Securty Resolution 2 - Israelites condemed for inciting the Egyptians

Dubai-Police: We have a video of 26 foreigners tampering with the water supply

Joe's-Spring-Water: Get our Egyptian importer on the line

Sarah Palin: They deserve it! Anyone see my shotgun ?

-- Ten Plagues
Source : http://www.shalomauslander.com/writing/Plagued.pdf

PLAGUED

And the Lord brought the Israelites out of Egypt. And one chose to stay behind

BY SHALOM AUSLANDER

Come on in here, Seth,” called Mr. Omonratop. “We need to talk.”

Omonratop was my boss, a middle-aged man of wealth, responsibility, and the insincere yet irresistible charm common to captains of industry, heads of state, and leaders of religions. I was a young craftsman in a large southern Egyptian craftsman company with offices in twenty-two districts around the empire. A glamour field. Only scribes got more pussy. Omonratop drove the latest chariot on the market. This was what he’d had etched on the rear bumper: “Craftsmen do it with anyone they want.” And it was true. Money, women, chariots. Bling bling. I was blessed.

He was standing at the window when I entered his office, hands behind his back. He faced the courtyard as he spoke.

“Need some extra hands on the Ramses job,” said Omonratop. “The tomb.”

A Pharaonic tomb. I was only twenty-five. Nobody under forty ever worked on a Pharaonic tomb.

“Are you serious?” I asked.

Omonratop turned to face me.

“Are you?” he asked.

“Absolutely.”

“You’re not leaving?”

“Sir?”

He walked toward me, put his hands on my shoulders.

“This is a long-term project, Seth. I need someone who’ll be here for the duration.”

Goddamned Moses.

“I heard him say he’s taking his people with him,” said Omonratop.

“I’m not his people, sir.”

“You’re an Israelite.”

“I’m an Egyptian.”

Omonratop nodded.

“It’s the main burial chamber,” he said, putting an arm around my shoulder. “Guy named Ramen’s running the show in there, you’ll answer to him. Bring your own water, though, it’s hot as hell in there by ten in the morning.…”

-----

Nuit came for dinner. My Egyptian princess. My non-Yiddishe Mama. I’d loved her since we were children, running shoeless through our village, and then, once we’d grown older, swimming topless in the Nile. Black hair, light eyes, and golden skin. A laugh like Isis herself, and an ass like a pair of Gizan pyramids.

Mother brought the bread to the table; I brought the corn and news of my promotion.

“You’re not going to accept it, are you?” Mother asked.

“A Pharaonic tomb job? No, why would I accept that?”

“But we’re leaving,” said Mother.

“We’re not leaving.”

“Leaving to where?” asked Nuit.

“Nowhere. Ma, for God’s sake, would you stop worrying Nu?”

“To a Promised Land,” said Mother. “With Moses.”

Nuit looked to me with concern.

“Fine, Ma, go ahead. Tell Nuit about your Promised Land.”

“It’s the land the Lord promised us,” said Mother. “The Israelites, I mean. The land he swore to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I’m sure you could come along, though. Maybe not. Probably not. Maybe you could come later. I don’t know. And it’s flowing,” she added. “With, you know, milk and honey.”

“Uh-huh,” I said. “Where is it?”

“Where is what?”

“The Promised Land. Where is it?”

“It’s … wherever. Somewhere. God will show us.”

“Got maps, does He?”

“I heard something about Canaan,” said Mother.

I laughed.

“What’s wrong with Canaan?” asked Mother.

“It’s a pit.”

Mother gasped.

“How can you say that?”

“Because I’ve seen it, Ma, the summer I worked in the quarries. They sent us down there to get rocks. That’s all it is. It’s a pile of rocks. You’re going to trade Thebes for that?”

“You know what you are?” asked Mother as she took her plate and headed out the door. “You’re a self-hating Israelite.”

“I’m a self-loving Egyptian,” I called after her.

Nuit stared down at her food.

“I’m not leaving,” I said.

She nodded.

Goddamned Moses.

-----

Later that night, there was a knock on the door. Nuit and I went to answer it. It was our old friend Khatum. There was blood on his hands.

“What happened?” Nuit asked.

Khatum shrugged, looking at his hands as though they weren’t his own.

“I was just washing up,” he said.

I brought Khatum a bowl and some water so he could clean himself off. The moment his hands touched the water, the water turned to blood.

Nuit gasped.

“How’d you do that?” I asked.

Khatum shrugged and handed me the bowl. The moment I took it from him, the blood turned back to water.

“How’d you do that?” Khatum asked.

I shrugged.

“By this you will know that I am the Lord,” Mother said.

She stood in the doorway to her bedroom, hair wild, doing her very best Moses: one hand on the doorpost, one hand raised in the air. “With the staff that is in my hand,” she declared, “I will strike the water of the Nile, and it will be changed into blood.”

“Ma,” I said.

“It’s a miracle,” said Mother, pointing to the bowl of water.

I winced. Miracles? This was the New Kingdom. Religion wasn’t what it used to be. The Pharaoh wasn’t God anymore; God wasn’t God anymore. This bothered the believers, of course, but everyone else seemed to be enjoying the break. Ra was still Ra and Ptah was still Ptah, but miracles? Miracles were strictly Old Kingdom.

“It’s just a trick,” I said to Nuit. “Hocus-pocus.”

“Make the girl do it,” said Mother, pointing an accusing finger at Nuit.

“The girl?” I asked.

Nuit warily dipped her hand into the water, and the water turned to blood.

“Hell of a trick,” said Khatum.

“I saw a guy in Thebes do it once,” I lied. “With chocolate milk. Kids run up, touch a jug of water, bam, chocolate milk. Bush league.”

“He should do parties,” said Khatum.

“He does do parties. Moses does parties, right, Ma?”

Nuit sat quietly wiping the blood from her fingers.

“By this you will know that I am the Lord,” Mother said again, and she turned sharply and went to bed. Later, Nuit, Khatum, and I climbed up to the roof with a few jugs of wine, and we spent the evening turning water into blood and blood into water. Khatum ruined one jug of wine by accidentally touching it; I turned it back to wine, but nobody wanted to drink it. After that, I would hold the bottle and pour the wine directly into their mouths.

“No touching,” I said. “For thou hast cooties.”

“See?” giggled Nuit, “you are a slave.”

“I’m your slave,” I said, nuzzling her neck.

Khatum clapped his hands.

“Israelite! More wine!”

He opened his mouth and threw his head back, awaiting my service. Nuit laughed. For a moment it seemed as if we were children again, in the times before gods and politics.

It had been a while since we’d seen Khatum. It had never been a secret that he’d always loved Nuit, and it had never been a secret that she’d always loved me. He’d accepted it long ago, but perhaps our recent talk of marriage was more than he could bear. Perhaps he always thought his story would end with her in his arms. But then he also thought his story would end with his becoming a craftsman like his father; these days, though, he worked in the quarries, digging up stones for craftsmen like me. You can hope all you want for a happy ending, but sometimes, like it or not, the guy writing your story is working on a tragedy; you may not even be the main character. I felt bad for Khatum. Egypt was going through a recession. Competition for jobs was fierce, and for many, the famous Egyptian Dream — a house, twelve-point-three kids, and a two-chariot garage — would never come to pass. And so, like many of our generation, Khatum had responded with cynicism and anger, and he had taken to blaming others, sometimes loudly, and always after a few mugs of wine, for his own failures and dissatisfaction. And he was now a few past a few mugs of wine.

“Filthy Israelite!” Khatum shouted. “Unhand that Egyptian princess! Taketh thy dirty Semitic arm from … from around my beloved’s … from her loins, you dirty …”

Nuit stood. “It’s getting late,” she said.

I helped Khatum to his feet.

“Maybe,” he said as we helped him down the stairs.

We helped him on with his jacket and led him to the front door.

“Maybe,” he said again.

“Will you be all right getting home?” asked Nuit.

Khatum poked a finger in my chest. “Maybe you should get the hell out,” he said. “Maybe you should all get the hell out.”

Goddamned Moses.

-----

Nobody seemed all that impressed with the whole frog thing; magicians had been making bunnies pop out of hats for ages. Cleanup was a bitch, sure, the dead frogs reeked, and the usual environmental groups camped outside Moses’ house to protest the slaughter of innocent amphibians, but for the most part, in the press and on the street, the whole event was met by the Egyptian people with a collective unawe-inspired, non-dumbstruck “Seen it.”

And then came the lice.

They were everywhere, swarms of them. In people’s houses, in their food, in their hair. Businesses closed, and with the economy already depressed, store owners could ill afford the loss of revenue. Men shaved the hair off their animals. Women shaved the hair off their heads.

“It’s a trick,” I said to Nuit. “Hocus-pocus.”

“It’s not a trick,” announced the Pharaoh’s own magicians. “It’s a miracle.”

Now they decide to talk.

-----

The situation at work had become tense.

“What’s the point?” my furious coworkers asked me, as if I were doing the tricks — plagues, whatever — all by myself. “Do you really think this is the way to get anyone to listen,” they asked. “I mean, do you?”

I didn’t.

Lunch tables cleared when I sat down. Conversations ground to a halt when I walked by. I spent most of the day in my office, or hiding in the bathroom.

“Israelites out!” someone had written on the wall of the men’s room. “Moses sucks cock.”

OK, I wrote that last one. It pleased me to imagine a world thousands of years hence, where all they knew of this Egyptian empire they had gleaned from the discovery of one small stone etched with the hieroglyph “Moses sucks cock.” I imagined my famous Tablet of Thebes on display in a museum where people would come from kilometers around to view it for themselves. “We know very little about this Moses,” the tour guide would say thoughtfully, “but we do know that he sucked.”

“They’re just angry,” said Nuit over dinner.

I nodded.

“Stop staring at my skull,” she said.

She had shaved it when the lice hit. That beautiful black hair; I was taking it harder than she.

“Sorry,” I said. “You look like the Sphinx.”

“The Sphinx?”

“Sorry.”

“The Sphinx isn’t bald,” said Nuit.

“She’s not?”

“He.”

“It’s a he?”

“I think so.”

Boy, they’d really rushed the head on that thing.

“A bald he,” I said.

“Fine,” she said, leaning forward to kiss me. “You always said you wanted to work inside the Sphinx.”

She nibbled my ear.

“I’ll get my chisels,” I said.

“Ooo,” she said. “Kinky.”

-----

By the time the last of the wild beasts had been rounded up and slaughtered, the anger that rumbled through our empire during the lice had swirled into a tempest of hatred and violence. The beasts had killed Egyptian livestock, ruined scores of houses, and injured more people than the doctors could heal. News reports told of people lying on the ground outside hospitals, waiting for treatment, many of them dying without being seen.

I went to work, hoping for some degree of normalcy. But the writing, once again, was on the bathroom wall. It said, “Kill the Israelites.”

“Come on in here, Seth,” called Mr. Omonratop. “We need to talk.”

I told him that my office had been trashed.

“Yeah,” said Mr. Omonratop, “sorry about that. Just the boys letting off a little steam. Healthy. You don’t want to keep that anger all pent up.”

I nodded.

“You know I think the world of you, son,” he said. “I hate to see you go.”

I nodded.

“But it’s a chemistry thing. We’re a team here. And, well, there’s no I in team.”

“But there’s two in Israelite, ” I said.

“Exactly,” he said. “So you see my point.”

I nodded.

Goddamned anti-Israelites.

-----

Long before the beasts, long before the blood, it had been something of a sport among the empire’s minorities to claim genealogical ownership of the adopted Prince Moses. The Israelites claimed he was Israelite, the Nubians claimed he was Nubian, and the Hyksos claimed he was Hyksos. They were all clamoring for that coveted foot in the palace door, a foot they believed spoke of legitimacy and acceptance. As far as the majority was concerned, though, any immigrant foot in the palace door only spoke to the need for a heavier door, stronger locks, maybe a dead bolt.

Things got worse a couple of years ago, after Moses murdered an Egyptian soldier and fled into the desert. The nation called for blood, and the press answered that call. The pampered prince and his legendary lisp would no longer be protected. THOLDIER THLAYER FLEETH! the headlines shouted. TO THE DETHERT, THORTHETH THAY! Moses claimed it was self-defense, which nobody believed (soldiers didn’t tend to attack royals), and it was only a matter of days before the groups who’d been proudly claiming Moses were busy unclaiming him as publicly as possible: Israelites claimed he was Nubian, Nubians claimed he was Hyksos, and the Hyksos claimed he was Israelite. “Lousy Israelites run this country,” they had said, “everyone knows that.”

Despite the speculation, his true lineage only became clear a few months later when Moses returned from the desert, marched into the palace unannounced, and began accusing the new Pharaoh of wrongful imprisonment and crimes against humanity. It would have been bigger news had a day gone by without someone marching into the palace and accusing the Pharaoh of crimes against humanity, but the big story here was, as the paper reported it, that as Prince Moses finished his little speech, he held his fist in the air, threw his head back, and shouted, “Let my people go!”

A hush had fallen over the room.

“Riiiight,” the Pharaoh had answered, curious as the rest of his empire. “Your people. And, uh, pardon my asking, but which people would that be, then? Wouldn’t want to set the wrong people free.…”

“The Ithraelith,” Moses had answered.

“Who?”

“The Ithraelith!”

The Pharaoh shook his head.

“I thed the Ithraelith! Thit. Thun of a bitth ith thtone deaf.”

“Oh,” Pharaoh had said. “The Israelites.”

The morning papers were all over it.

THOLDIER THLAYER RETURNTH; THEEKTH TO THET ITHREALITE THLAVETH FREE!

Two months later, I was out of a job, carrying a knife in my pocket wherever I went, and scrubbing “All Israelites must die” off the front wall of my house.

The pestilence was brutal. All of the livestock in Egypt were dead. Horses, donkeys, camels, cattle. When the Nile had turned to blood, it killed all the fish, and the poor, for whom fish was a staple, had gone terribly hungry. Now, with the livestock wiped out, the wealthy would go hungry, too.

“How egalitarian,” Khatum might have said, were he still speaking to me. “For a God, I mean.”

It was no longer safe to go out, not at night, not for anyone, but especially not for Israelites. Gangs of Egyptian youths had been attacking elderly Israelites and defacing Israelite cemeteries. One night, hundreds of them marched through the streets, setting fire to Israelite shops and overturning Israelite chariots. I had been out to dinner with Nuit that evening. On our way home, we passed Khatum, who was setting fire to a pile of Israelite books.

“Nothing personal,” he said to me, glancing at Nuit with disgust. “You’d better get her home.”

We hurried down the street. We hadn’t gone far when two youths blocked our way. I reached for Nuit’s hand. The taller of the two stepped forward and sniffed the air beside her head.

“Israelite-lover,” he spat at her.

I pulled the knife from my pocket. Fearless, he stepped even closer.

“Not them,” Khatum called from down the street.

The youths shot him an angry look.

“I said not them!”

The youths backed away.

“Get her home,” Khatum shouted.

We began to pass, and as we did, the taller one leaned forward and spat on the ground beside Nuit’s feet.

“Get her home !”

-----

There,” Mother said, handing us each a cup of tea, “now you see the true nature of the Egyptian.”

I didn’t know what I saw. I saw people behaving like beasts. I saw God behaving like a thug. Was this a plague, too? Was this our plague, the plague upon the Israelites, the plague of being hated? Had the plagues caused this hatred, as Nuit had said, or had the plagues simply exposed it, as Mother had said? Wasn’t even this — this endless wondering, this theological paranoia — a plague? Maybe Khatum had been right. Maybe it was time to go. Maybe my Egypt was gone. Maybe it had never existed.

-----

The Israelite Defense Force met once a week, and never in the same place twice. They’d heard about the knife incident, and asked me to attend their next fundraiser.

“This is not about Moses!” a man exhorted the group gathered before him, who nodded along in agreement as he spoke. “This is about self-defense! This is about an eye for an eye! The Israelites didn’t land on the pyramids of Giza; the pyramids of Giza landed on us. Are you with me?”

I didn’t know.

-----

Nuit was starving, just like the rest of them. “Them.” The pronoun all wars have in common.

We sat together on the roof of my hut, she and I, and I tried to feed her some of our meat. In just a few short days, the pestilence had killed almost all of the Egyptians’ animals. The Israelites’ animals were untouched.

Nuit’s food wouldn’t stay down. She would chew it and try swallowing, but the plague was too crafty. She moaned and I held her. Her limbs felt like reeds, hard and brittle. When the Nile was low, I would collect reeds from along the edge of the river and carve them into flutes, and I would play music for Nuit. She would lie to me and say it was good. The boils were on her shoulders now. A few showed on her forehead, another few on her chin. Sometimes she would grab the flute from my hands and run to the river, and I would chase her, and lift her into my arms, and then she would shout for me to put her down and when I did she would push me into the water, and I would reach for her and pull her in with me, and afterward we would lie together naked on the banks of the river, and we’d hold hands, or I’d play some more music, and then we’d both fall asleep under a peaceful sun.

Another night of violence had begun. From the rooftop I could see that a fire had broken out across the street. An old woman screamed.

We were going to be married.

Big promotion at work.

Pharaoh’s tomb.

My Egyptian princess.

“And by this,” Moses had said, “you shall know He is the Lord.”

-----

Mother was packing.

“It gets cool in the desert at night, doesn’t it?” she asked. “Are you taking a jacket?”

“I don’t know.”

The hail was bouncing heavily off the roof.

“I wonder if they’ll have makeup there in the Promised Land — I’d hate to carry all this with me. Do you have room in your bag?”

“I don’t know.”

-----

Nuit was dying. The boils had erupted, and as they wept, they became septic and putrid, and her body, too malnourished to fight, surrendered. I tried to make her comfortable, whispered to her about the Egyptian afterlife, where the two halves of her spirit would be reunited, and she would become a member of the starry night sky and she would be free to roam on and over the earth, and how on one bright perfect Egyptian day she would come find me and I would chase her down to the Nile and she would push me in, and I would grab and pull her in with me, and afterward the banks, and the flute, and the holding hands and the peaceful sun .…

And then the lights went out, and the Darkness fell, and when it lifted, three days later, Mother was packed and Nuit was dead.

-----

Everyone here is dead. Even the living are dead.

Mother is gone. She is following a madman into the desert, a madman who is following a murderer. Last night, in my village alone, He murdered hundreds of us in our sleep.

I’m sorry, I said to everyone. To anyone.

Just go, they said.

And Rejoice, said the madman, let this day be a day of celebration for your children and your children’s children and your …

We chased him then, all of us, Israelite and Egyptian alike. With sticks and with swords we chased him, until the soldiers came with chariots and camels and they took up the hunt.

And on that very day, Moses wrote in his account of the story, the Lord brought the Israelites out of Egypt by their divisions.

I think he meant “balls.” These were the options my God had left me: head out to the desert and take my chances with Him, or stay behind in Egypt with a nation who would like to kill me themselves.

I have remained behind with the dead. They might kill me tonight. They might kill me tomorrow. They were my brothers. They were my friends. Maybe someday I’ll find somewhere new. Somewhere without gods or pharaohs, without princes or plagues. No Ra, no Ptah, no Asur. No Yahweh, no El, no nothin’.

What could I have done? I plead with my neighbors. I’m not His people. He’s not my God.

God. That was the real surprise. This was the New Kingdom, after all — a place known for its godlessness. But behold, a new God had arisen over Egypt, and there it was — in the firstborns slumped over tables, in the children dead in their sleep, in all the beloveds facedown in the street, cold, bloated, blue — the glorious evidence His believers had so anxiously been awaiting.

Puddles of piss. Blood of innocents. God of Abraham.

I hear Greece is nice.

-- Ten Plagues
Source : http://www.jewbelong.com/passover/
The Ten Plagues

As we rejoice at our deliverance from slavery, we acknowledge that our freedom was hard-earned. We regret that our freedom came at the cost of the Egyptians’ suffering, for we are all human beings. We pour out a drop of wine for each of the plagues as we recite them to signify having a little less sweetness in our celebration. Dip a finger or a spoon into your wine glass for a drop for each plague.

These are the ten plagues:

BLOOD / dam
FROGS / tzfardeiya
LICE / kinim
BEASTS / arov
CATTLE DISEASE / dever
BOILS / sh’chin
HAIL / barad
LOCUSTS / arbeh
DARKNESS / choshech
DEATH OF THE FIRSTBORN / makat b’chorot

Even though we are happy that the jews escaped slavery, let us once more take a drop of wine as we together recite the names of these modern plagues:

HUNGER
WAR
TERRORISM
GREED
BIGOTRY
INJUSTICE
POVERTY
IGNORANCE
POLLUTION OF THE EARTH
INDIFFERENCE TO SUFFERING

-- Ten Plagues
Source : Judy Caplan Ginsburgh

FROZEN (Parody Lyrics by Judy Caplan Ginsburgh

The Jews smear blood on their doorposts tonight, This is the final straw
Nine plagues haven’t softened Pharaoh’s heart, This is the final one.
Things are about to change, the Jews will survive
Hurry up and pack, we’ll run for our lives.

So, one more time, Moses asks Pharaoh
Will you let my people finally go?
We’ve worked for years, we’ve done your tasks
And now, I ask 

Let us go, let us go, We won’t work for Pharaoh anymore
Let us go, let us go, It’s time for us to soar
We don’t know, Where we’re going to go
But we have faith, We’re sick of building cities anyway.

It makes no sense how all these plagues wouldn’t change your mind
And now we’re leaving fast, there is so little time
It’s time for all the Jews to flee, To follow Moses to the Sea
It’s right, not wrong for you and me, ‘Cause now we’re free!

Let us go! Let us go! Even though our bread won’t rise
Let us go! Let us go! On our way to Mt. Sinai
History, is being made, The story lives on….

The Haggadah tells the story every year at this time
We ask four questions and we drink four cups of wine
The afikomen brings the meal to its end
We wish that next year, we’ll be in Jerusalem.

Let us go! He let us go! And we wandered for forty years
We are free, we are free. It was hard to hold back tears

Now we sit at our seder tables, The tradition goes on!
And now we eat matzah for seven days!

-- Cup #2 & Dayenu
Source : Dave Cowen

Here's to the Jews that we got

Cheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories

Of the Passover we’ve been through

Toast to the Jews here today

Toast to the Jews that we lost on the way

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories

And the memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

There's a time that I remember, when the Jews knew lots of pain

When they were slaves forever, and thought everything would stay the same

In our hearts we must remember, what our people once became

They probably couldn’t even imagine, they'd become free one day, yeah

Every Jews hurt sometimes

Every Jews hurt someday, aye aye

But everything gon' be alright

Go and raise the 2nd cup and say, aye

Here's to the Jews that we got

Cheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories

Of the Passover we’ve been through

Toast to the Jews here today

Toast to the Jews that we lost on the way

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories

And the memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo

Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew 

Memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

There's a time we must remember, when the Jews never felt so lost

When we felt the Pharaoh’s hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah)

But God made Moses a leader, and he lighted up the dark

God carries the weight for us that you know He'll never drop, yeah

Every Jew hurts sometimes

Every Jew hurts someday, aye aye

But everything gon' be alright

Go and raise the 2nd Cup and say, aye

Here's to the Jews that we got (oh oh)

Cheers to the Jews we wish were here, but are not

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories

Of everything the Jews have been through (no, no)

Toast to the Jews here today (aye)

Toast to the Jews that we lost on the way

'Cause the 2nd Cup brings back all the memories (aye)

And the memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo doo

Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew

Memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

Doo doo, doo doo doo doo

Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo

Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew, Jew Jew (ooh, yeah)

Memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh

Memories bring back, memories bring back the Jews!

-- Cup #2 & Dayenu
Source : http://beyonceder.tumblr.com
Beyonceder - Let's Get in Formation

-- Cup #2 & Dayenu
Source : original, by Esther D. Kustanowitz
Dayenu: Behind the Music (A Fictional Origins Story)

This is the fictional story of a song that everyone seems to know, whether or not they want to. To describe this song to you in a sentence would have been enough. But this song isn't known for its subtlety or its brevity. It's known for its repetition, its words that don't quite fit into the tune, it's barely-there-musical-tune reminiscent of the Pac-Man theme, and, of course, its repetition. So here's the previously untold story behind the music.

One Passover, before all of you were alive, a group of rabbis gathered in Bnei Brak. Rabbis were always gathering in Bnei Brak. In fact, you couldn't stop rabbis from gathering in Bnei Brak - it was like their version of Vegas, except whatever happened in Bnei Brak - instead of staying in Bnei Brak - ended up well-documented in the Haggadah.

But this is not the story of things that ended up well-documented in the Haggadah. And it's also not the story of how contemporary Bnei Brak became the home not just to one of Israel's most ultra-Orthodox communities but also the Coca-Cola factory. (That's got to be its own story, because, seriously?) It's the story of a plucky rabbi with a song in his heart who - like so many rabbis and non-rabbis before and after him - ignored his wife's plea to stay and help with Passover and instead went road tripping on a path of personal destiny.

Rabbi Dai Kvar was not the most popular rabbi in the village, but he had a way with those around him, always pointing out the obvious in a way that, though sometimes irksome, sometimes actually put things in perspective. It was this slavish adherence to the chain of events that led up to other events that would turn out to be his most annoying - and most enduring - quality.

One morning, Rabbi Dai Kvar awakened with a start. "If God had taken us out of Egypt, that would have been enough!"

"What ARE you talking about, Dai Kvar?" his wife asked, annoyed for what was decidedly not the first time during their marriage.

"I've got an idea, no, it's THE idea. This is the one, Bina, I'm telling you! I've got to take this to the Bnei Brak boys immediately!" And with that, Dai Kvar jumped out of bed, threw a few of his portable Talmud volumes into a bag with some toothpaste, dental floss and two rocks, one to use for deodorant and the other one to use to light a fire.

"Be careful not to mix those two up," Bina shouted at her husband as he ran out the door. "He always leaves right before Passover," she said, shaking her head.

Later, Dai Kvar found himself in the synagogue in Bnei Brak, its major feature was an ark to end all arks - attached to a one-hundred-percent-electricity-free system of pulleys, the ark most resembled a giant slot machine. If you were to pull the lever on the left, it would spit out a Torah rolled up to that week's Torah portion.

The head of the Talmudic Council, Rabbi Dave, spoke first. "I now officially call all the Daves of the Talmudic council to order."

"I thought that was my job," said Second Rabbi Dave.

"Nope, that's me," Rabbi Dave the Third chimed in.

"Dave 3 is right, it's his job," said Just Another Rabbi Dave, which was also his JDate handle. "Here. Take this gavel. I got it from my JD program at Pumpeditha University."

"You went to PumpU?" Rabbi Dave could barely believe his ears. "I went to U of Sura! They're both in the Big Two of State Schools...." ​

"Small world," said all of the Daves in unison.

"First order of business," said Rabbi Dave (the one who was the head of the Talmudic Council, that is). "Rabbi Dai Kvar brings us a proposal for a new song."

Once he was in front of his boys from Brak, Dai Kvar was more excited than he'd ever been. "Gentlemen, I have a new song that traces our steps from the desert and toward a land that forged our peoplehood. My new song idea is so money that it doesn't even know how money it is."

"That's great, Dai Kvar, but how money is it, exactly? Is it more than two zuzim? Because I've got that number in my brain for some reason," said Reb Dave Gadya.

"Do you have a tune?" asked Just Another Rabbi Dave. "Who knows one?"

"It's got to be epic," said Rabbi Dave 3. "It should be grandiose, melodic and hauntingly beautiful as it helps us recall our years of oppression and subsequent redemption!"

"No," said Second Rabbi Dave. "It should be a still small voice, like God's in the wilderness."

"It should be intricate and unwieldy, but irresistible, maybe featuring lots of animals," said Reb Dave Gadya.

"Always the animals with you, Reb Gadya," Dai Kvar noted.

Reb Gadya shrugged and smiled. "I never had pets," he said. "But I always wanted one. Even just a worm to play with."

"A worm! That's it!" Dai Kvar exclaimed. The Daves stared at him, puzzled. "My friends," Dai Kvar explained, "we all know the story of the shamir, the giant worm that had the power to cut through stone, iron and diamond and which King Solomon is said to have used in the building of the First Temple in Jerusalem? Is there such a thing as a shamir that can live inside the skull, cutting through the noise and annoying someone but not actually harming them in any way?"

"Wait just a minute...are you talking about an ear worm?" one of the Daves asked. Dai Kvar thought about it. That was exactly what he was talking about, and he nodded vigorously.

"With the agreement of the Council, I'd like to create an ear shamir. I have just the chord progression," said one of the Rabbi Daves, but by this point, even Dai Kvar wasn't sure which one.

"Thank you for stepping forward, Rabbi Dave. So how many verses will be enough for this ear worm?" Rabbi Dave (the head of the Council one) asked.

"Well, musically, only one verse is necessary," said Rabbi Dai Kvar. "But one verse is super-boring and only children will get a kick out of learning and performing a long song, so let's compromise and say...14 different lines. And that we'll sing 'da-dai-yenu' after every line to make sure the song lasts as long as possible."

And the Daves took a vote, and it was a unanimous decision, except for Reb Gadya, who suffered from a hanging Chad and subsequently had to move to Florida to vote in the 2000 US Presidential Election.

And so it came to pass.

And that's why when you sing Dayenu, it's not just a song acknowledging the significant milestones that the Jewish people reached on their journey out of Egypt and to the Holy Land, but a summary of how that song makes you feel.

That is why it always feels like one verse would have been enough.

-- Cup #2 & Dayenu
Source : Rabbi Eli Garfinkel

We’re Gonna Sing Dayenu

Start the Torah, Genesis, Ark, Noah, what a mess
Babel’s Tower, God has power, Abraham let’s go,
Sarah’s barren, can’t have children, Isaac isborn, try to kill him, Sarah’s Dying, Isaac’s crying, Rivka is hisbeau

Esau’s tricked, too bad, birthright sold, brother’s blessed,
Beth El, to find a wife, andthen Jacob marries twice
Rachel’s hotter, Leah’s first, Twelve sons, it could be worse
Joseph’s dreaming, brothers hate him, throw him down there, goodbye

We’re gonna sing Dayenu It’s the song we’re learning While the brisket’s burning We’re gonna sing Dayenu They may really hate us But God always saves us

Joseph Viceroy, save the food, new king, he hates the Jews Boys in river, gave us shivers, Moses kills a dude
Bush flames, God exclaims, Save my people, can’t lose Ten plagues, they’re mad, Egypt chases hard,

Cross Sea, we’re free, now the story really starts
Eating manna, it’s God’s will, Moses tarries, calf is built God’s rage, burns bad, broke the tablets, shattered them, We get grace, saving face, let’s all say Baruch Hashem!

We’re gonna sing Dayenu It’s the song we’re learning While the brisket’s burning We’re gonna sing Dayenu They may really hate us But God always saves us

Get the law, write it down, oral Torah, don’t you doubt Mishkan, build it right, don the robes of holy might
Vayikra, Kohanim, they were holy, served the Name Holiness and sacred rites, oh that must have been a sight. . .

Count ‘em up, sent spies, so evil, they were fools Fringes rule, Korah, all his posse in a hole
Red Cow, rock and staff, Bilaam’s curse, a talking ass Ba’al Peor, kills two more, Moses honors Phineas

We’re gonna sing Dayenu It’s the song we’re learning While the brisket’s burning We’re gonna sing Dayenu

They may really hate us But God always saved us

Say the Sh’ma, bind hand, Moses dies outside the land,
Big wall, it falls, Led a big invasion
Deborah of the Judges’ fame, someone butchered Samson’s mane King Saul, Agag, David puts his faith in God,
New King, Solomon, Union of the North and South
Temple slayed, blown away, what else do I have to say

We’re gonna sing Dayenu It’s the song we’re learning While the brisket’s burning We’re gonna sing Dayenu They may really hate us But God always saves us

Second Temple, build it big, Greek control, makes us sick Purim, Esther, Hanukkah, we rock
Romans, burned down, second Temple to the ground
Then they say we killed their god, exiled, beaten, hurt and shot Wrote the Mishnah, Talmud Sage, halakha, awesome age Caliph’s sword, violent horde, rats, plague, awful sores

But there’s good news all the more, Jewish study of the law,
Then we’re back on Israel’s shores, saved our nation, never bored!

-- Cup #2 & Dayenu
Source : www.funnyordie.com
dayeinu graph

Rachtzah
by Zach
Source : Unknown

All those among us with a "thing" about washing their hands all the time, go ahead...it's your time.

Motzi-Matzah
Source : https://i.ytimg.com/vi/1nWNXO3CZkU/maxresdefault.jpg

maxresdefault.jpg

In this picture from Lady and the Tramp, they are no longer eating pasta. On Passover, we only eat MATZAH no PASTA

Motzi-Matzah
Source : www.friendseder.com
An Ode to Bread

APOLOGIES TO DR. ATKINS

Bread is a symbol of the partnership between humankind and the natural world – it doesn’t just magically appear from the ground – it takes human partnership (and it’s delicious).

Poet Pablo Neruda had some delicious things to say about bread. See poem below.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמּוֹצִיא לֶחֶם מִן הָאָרֶץ

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha’olam Hamotzi Lechem Min Ha’aretz.

We acknowledge the Unity of All and express gratitude for bread from the earth.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ עַל אֲכִילַת מַצָּה

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha’olam Asher Kideshanu B’mitzvotav V’tzivanu Al Achilat Matzah.

We acknowledge the Unity of All and express gratitude for the opportunity to connect by eating matzah.

Eat matzah. Discussion Question:  What’s your favorite kind of cracker and why?

A Selection from "Ode to Bread"

Bread,
you rise
from flour,
water
and fire.
Dense or light,
flattened or round,
you duplicate
the mother’s
rounded womb,
and earth’s
twice-yearly
swelling.
How simple
you are, bread,
and how profound!
You line up
on the baker’s
powdered trays
like silverware or plates
or pieces of paper
and suddenly
life washes
over you,
there’s the joining of seed
and fire,
and you’re growing, growing
all at once
like
hips, mouths, breasts,
mounds of earth,
or people’s lives.
The temperature rises, you’re overwhelmed
by fullness, the roar
of fertility,
and suddenly
your golden color is fixed.
And when your little wombs
were seeded,
a brown scar
laid its burn the length
of your two halves’
toasted
juncture.
Now,
whole,
you are
mankind’s energy,
a miracle often admired,
the will to live itself.

 

Motzi-Matzah
Source : Original Illustration from Haggadot.com
Motzi-Matzah

Motzi-Matzah
Q: What do you call someone who  derives pleasure from the bread of  affliction?

A: A matzochist.

Motzi-Matzah
Source : Original
DIY Matzoh Baking

For those of you who want to experience baking matzot on the run! 1. upcycle an old television dish- add shoulder straps2. cover dish with lots of foil3. hang black pot with dough at just the right angel4. head out to your nearest desert at high noon!should take about an hour goes great with charoset!

Maror

Have Yourself a Piece of Bitter Maror
By Gary Teblum
(sung to the tune of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”)


Have yourself a piece of bitter maror
On each seder night
Then we’ll feel
The toils and our people's plight.

Have yourself a piece of bitter maror
Hillel sandwich way,
We'll recall,
Our troubles weren’t so far away.

Here we are as in a olden days,
Such sad slavin' days of yore.

Family, friends who are dear to us
gather near to us once more.

Through the years we all will be together
Just as we are now
Eating matzah, teaching all the children how.
And have yourself a piece of bitter maror now.

Koreich
Source : www.friendseder.com
A Joke of a Sandwich

Our ancestors had a sick sense of humor, and suggested that we eat a sandwich made of horseradish between matzah. Frankly, it’s a bad joke. As you munch on the sandwich, take turns telling your favorite dad jokes. (For inspiration: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.)

Shulchan Oreich
Source : Stellar Nova
Dr. Mom BLOWS UP Passover (Food) (With Science) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abYrz2clvWw

Join Dr. Mom as she plays with her (non)favorite Passover foods. Watch her blow up eggs, gefilte fish, and matzah balls, and make a fun mess!

Dr. Mom is has a PhD in organic chemistry, and is the co-founder of StellarNova, a STEM edutainment company that inspires kids to learn science in a fun & interactive way.

Learn more at www.stellarnova.co

Shulchan Oreich
Source : www.notesfromthetribe.com
Matzah Ball Soup

I've added a fifth question to the seder this year:

Why is it that in any other form, this matzoh we eat is the bread of affliction which our forefathers ate when the holy one, blessed be he brought us forth with an outstretched arm from bondage in the land of egypt. But, when combined with salt, schmaltz, and chicken broth, becomes a delicious comfort food served by Jewish bubbys year round?

Tzafun
Source : Shalom Sesame
Shalom Sesame: Les Matzarables https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpzLKo3diWk

Shalom Sesame takes on the Broadway Musical! Join the Muppets as they search high and low for "Matzah in the House."
Tzafun
Source : www.notesfromthetribe.com
Afikoman

The prize for finding the afikoman in my house was 5 dollars.

To put this in context, the starting pay for chores at the age of five was a nickel and this rate was raised five cents every birthday.

This means that finding the wrapped up piece of shmura matzo was equivalent to anywhere from 6 months to just under 2 years salary.

Needless to say, this was a coveted reward.

My brother won this purse every year for the first seven years of his life. Unimpeded by siblings, finding the afikoman was merely a formality to the end of the seder. This was until I turned 2, and could walk. Granted, there was a five year age difference between us, but my parents allowed me a handicap. As a toddler, not only was I given a head start, but the adults gently 'guided me' in the direction of the 'hidden napkin' glaringly dangling out of the couch cushion right in front of my face. Some years my brother didn't even get to look. As I got older, and my motor skills more advanced, the competition became fierce. My father took great joy in the hiding. My mother who didn't want the house destroyed came up with two simple rules:1)It could not be in the entertainment center, the dining room, the kitchen, any of the bedrooms, the bathrooms, the garage, or any cabinets and 2)We were not to make a mess, everything had to be cleaned up. What this amounted to was my brother and I gingerly walking around the living room, gently sorting through magazines and under tables. My brother, being the smarter of the two of us, took a detective-like approach to this endeavor. Before looking, he would rule out the places that it couldn't be based on where it had been hidden in years past. Then he would systematically go about the living room removing objects one by one. I however had a much more opportunistic strategy. I would pretend to look for the afikoman very close by him. Right when he found it, I would lunge and seize it, flailing it about in the air, exclaiming victory. With no referee (my parents were in the other room talking to their friends) it was his word against mine and as the younger of two I always got my way.

By the time my sister came into the picture the finding of the afikoman had been split into two age categories. Uninterested in winning Beanie Babies, I opted out of the 'ten and under' search. He may have won it now and a gain, I might have even let him have a few, but for the most part when it came to Passover I was ten dollars richer. The money was of course inevitably squandered on the two vices we were denied: junk food and video games.

Bareich
Source : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfWay4hh5HY
This song was written to be part of Fiddler on the Roof, but was cut from the show before it made its Broadway debut for being too slow, and comic at a moment in the show when the people of Anatevka are experiencing tragedy. It imagines a world in which the Messiah is coming, but lost, and worried about us.

Words and music by Sheldon Harnick

When Messiah comes he will say to us, “I apologize that I took so long.” “But I had a little trouble finding you, over here a few, over there a few….. You were hard to re-unite But, everything is going to be alright.”

Up in heaven there how I wrung my hands when they exiled you from the Promised Land. Into Babylon you went like cast aways, On the first of many, many moving days What a day…. and what a blow! How terrible I felt you’ll never know.

Since that day Many men said to us, “get thee out,” Kings they were, gone they are, We’re still here…….

When Messiah comes he will say to us, “Don’t you think I know what a time you had? Now I’m here, you’ll see how quickly things improve. And you won’t have to move unless you want to move. You shall never more take flight, Yes! Everything is going to be alright!”

When Messiah comes, he will say to us, “I was worried sick if you’d last or not, And I spoke to God and said, 'Would that be fair, If Messiah came and there was no one there?' And the Lord replied to me, 'Wait! Everything will be alright you’ll see!'"

Many times, many men, took our homes, Took our lives, Kings they were, gone they are. We’re still here!

When Messiah comes and his reign begins Truth and justice then shall appear on Earth. But if this reward we would be worthy of We must keep our covenant with God above. So be patient and devout…. and Gather up your things and get thee out!

Learn more: http://www.masterworksbroadway.com/blog/a-tale-of-two-fiddler-songs/

Watch a video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfWay4hh5HY

Hallel
Source : Foundation for Family Education, Inc.
(to the tune of "Do you hear the people Sing" from “Les Miserables”)
 
Do you hear the doorbell ring,
And it's a little after ten?
It can only be Elijah
Come to take a sip again.
He is feeling pretty fine
But in his head a screw is loose.
So perhaps instead of wine
We should only give him juice
Hallel
Source : Monty Python Haggadah

Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for to open the door for Elijah's penguin. (Participant opens the door and in comes a penguin. The penguin explodes.)

Nirtzah
Source : http://beyonceder.tumblr.com
Beyonceder - Next Year in Jerusalem

Nirtzah
Source : Monty Python Haggadah

Narrator:  We conclude tonight's program with the question, 'Is there life after death?'. And here to discuss this question are three dead people.  The late Pharaoh Ramses, former ruler of the kingdom of Egypt, circa 1400 BCE; the late Moshe ben Amram, tribal spokesperson and record holder for longest road trip across the wilderness; and putting forward the view of the Powers that Be, the prophet Elijah the Gileadite. Gentlemen, is there life after death or not? (Prolonged silence)

Well there we have it!  Three say "No". On next week's program we'll be discussing the question 'Does the state of France have a right to exist?. And until then, goodnight. 

Nirtzah
Source : Monty Python Haggadah

The children are sent out of the room to find the Afikomen.  They return, shouting:

Children:  An afikomen! An afikomen! An afikomen! We've got an afikomen!: We have found an afikomen, may we eat it? 

Father:     Eat it! Eat! 

Mother:    How do you know it is an afikomen?

Children:  It looks like one. It has warts on it.  And it turned me into a newt!

Nirtzah
Conclusion
Source : McSweeny's

REJECTED BEN & JERRY’S PASSOVER FLAVORS

ALEX BERNSTEIN

Why is this ice cream different from all other ice creams?

Bread O’ Affliction! – Sure, we wanted to use real bread, but who has the time?!

Hillel Sandwich – Made from the old Rebbe’s secret recipe! Where’s Elijah when ya need him?!

Burn Bush Burn! – Our spiciest ice cream peppered with Red Hots! You’ll never quite consume it!

Two Plagues Twisted! – Boils and locusts swirled together with a rich Red Sea core!

Gephilte Phish! – Random, minced fish pieces in a fabulous jellied froth!

Let My People Go Eat Ice Cream! – From Yahweh’s mouth to your freezer! Right now!

Karpas-tacular! – It really is!

Son Who Don’t Know How to Ask!– We mixed in not one, not two—but four cups of wine!! You don’t have to be wicked or wise (or simple, even!) to love this combination!

Coffee-Komen! – If the kids find it, YOU get the prize!

Hadgadyattahaveit! – With actual lamb’s blood mixed in—not even the Angel of Death will “pass over” this treat! Yum!

Conclusion
by Leah
Source : ©2008 Barbara Sarshik

Ode to Elijah

to the tune of “Be Our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast

Be our guest! Be our guest!

Put our seder to the test!

All you have to do is come on in

And we’ll provide the rest.

Here’s some wine in a cup!

Just recline and drink it up!

It will be your favorite flavor

If it’s Concord grape you favor!

Life is sweet! Life is good!

When you’re in our neighborhood!

And when you are here,

Elijah, we are blessed!

Just park your golden chariot.

You don’t need a Marriot!

Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest!

©2008 Barbara Sarshik

Commentary / Readings
Source : Monty Python Haggadah

Scene 1:  In the Desert  Moses is galloping (skipping on foot while clopping coconuts together to sound like hoofbeats) across the desert. He comes to a burning bush.

Bush: Halt! Who goes there!

Moses: A shrubbery! A talking shrubbery! One that looks nice, but is not too expensive. It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.

Bush: Moses! Moses, Leader of the Israelites! 

(Moses looks stunned, drops to his knees in awe and bows his head to the ground in front of the burning bush.)

Bush:  Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

Moses: Sorry-- 

Bush: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you doing now!?

Moses: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.

Bush: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off.

Moses: Yes, Lord.

Bush: Right! Moses, leader of the Israelites your people shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

Moses: Good idea, Lord!

Bush: Of course it's a good idea! Behold! This is your task to deliver the Israelites from bondage in Egypt.

Moses: A blessing! But are you sure I shouldn't deliver a pizza instead

Scene 2: In Egypt

Moses: I never wanted to do this job of deliverance in the first place. At least delivering pizzas pays good tips!  I wanted to be a lumberjack, even though its a bit hard doing that in the desert. 

(Israelites sing)    Oh, we're Egyptian slaves. It's not OK.    We work all night and we work all day.    We quarry blocks and make mud bricks    And want to run away!

Scene 3: Asking Pharaoh to leave

Moses approaches Pharaoh and his advisors to ask for permission for the Israelites to leave Egypt. 

Pharaoh and his advisors say, "Ni! We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Neeee-wommmm!  We want a shrubbery!!!" 

Moses says, "I already found a shrubbery in the desert. It told me it was God, and told me to deliver the Israelites from bondage in Egypt." 

When Pharaoh asks for proof that Moses speaks for God, he shows Pharaoh the holy hand grenade and Aaron pulls the holy pin, making mincemeat of half the advisors.

Scene 4: The Ten Plagues

Killer rabbits. 

Dead parrots. 

The Spanish Inquisition.  

Silly walks. 

1000-ton weights. 

Plague six. There IS no plague six! 

Crunchy frogs. 

Spam. 

Giant badgers. 

The killing of the first born. 

The morning after the final plague, the Egyptian garbage collectors roam the streets calling, "Bring out your dead!"  People bring corpses of plague victims to the dead cart.  

When they start to pick up one body, one of the collectors says, "Wait a bit.  He's not dead.  He's just resting." A lightning bolt comes out of the sky, hitting the body and killing it.  The collectors smile and heave it onto the cart. 

Scene 5: The Exodus

Aaron (addressing the assembled Israelite multitude): We need to sneak out of Egypt quickly without Pharaoh's army noticing. In this demonstration, we hope to show how to leave Egypt without being seen. This is Miriam of the Tribe of Levi. She can not be seen. Now I am going to ask her to stand up. Sister Miriam, will you stand up please?  

In the distance Miriam stands up. There is a clap of thunder and Miriam crumples to the ground.

Aaron: This demonstrates the value of not being seen

Stop! This is getting too silly!

Scene 6: Arriving at the Red Sea.

The Red Sea guard challenges the fleeing Israelites as they arrive, saying, "None shall pass." 

Guard: What is your name?

Moses: Moses.

Guard: What is your quest?

Moses: To reach the Promised Land.

Guard: What are your favorite colors?

Moses: Blue and white.

Guard: You may pass.

The Israelites pass through the Red Sea.  Now Pharaoh's army approaches, led by Rameses.

   Guard:     What is your name?    Rameses: Rameses, Pharaoh of Egypt    Guard:     What is your quest?    Rameses: To bring back the fleeing Israelite slaves.

Guard:     What is the capital of modern-day Abyssinia

Rameses: I don't know that.

The guard unleashes a flood of water onto Rameses and the army, drowning them all. 

Rameses:  Auuugh!

Aaron watches awestruck, then asks Moses how he was able to answer the questions so well. Moses says, "You have to know these sorts of things when youre a leader of the Israelites, you know."

Narrator:  Forty years later, after wandering around in the desert searching for the Holy Grail, Moses and Joshua stumble across a dragon ship and sail across the river Jordan to swelling music, but just as everything looks like there will be a happy ending ....

Moses: No afikomen here. Let's head back.

And now for something completely different.

Scene 7: The seder plate

To help us remember the story of the first Passover, we have assembled various symbolic foods on a Seder plate. There's egg and spam; shankbone and spam; greens and spam, bitter herbs and spam, charoses and spam, and spam, and spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam matzoh and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! 

But I can't eat spam, it's not kosher! 

I'll eat yours, dear. I'm Reform

Scene 8: The Four Questions

Setting:  A dusty street in an small Egyptian city.  Moses:  It's time to ask the five questions.   Aaron:  Four, sir!  It's FOUR questions. Moses:  Right.  Thou shalt ask four. No more. No less. Four shall be the number thou shalt ask, and the number of the asking shall be four. Five shalt thou not ask, nor either ask thou three, excepting that thou then proceed to four.

Enter King Arthur and the Black Knight.   King Arthur fights the Black Knight. First King Arthur cuts off the Black Knight's right arm, but he keeps on fighting. Then Arthur cuts off the Black Knight's left arm, followed by his right leg, and then finally cuts off his left leg. The Black Knight keeps fighting. King Arthur turns toward the camera with a puzzled look and asks, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"  

Pause.  Let the audience groan.  Then continue.  Yes, we know that's only one question, but who's counting?  

Scene 9:  Dinner

It's time to eat dinner before finishing the rest of the Haggadah.  While eating dinner, make sure to defend yourself against the possibility that the person to your right will attack you with a banana.  

Scene 10:  The Afikomen

The children are sent out of the room to find the Afikomen.  They return, shouting:

Children:  An afikomen! An afikomen! An afikomen! We've got an afikomen!: We have found an afikomen, may we eat it? 

Father:     Eat it! Eat! 

Mother:    How do you know it is an afikomen?

Children:  It looks like one. It has warts on it.  And it turned me into a newt!

Scene 11: Elijah's Cup

Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for to open the door for Elijah's penguin. (Participant opens the door and in comes a penguin. The penguin explodes.

Scene 12:  Conclusion Narrator:  We conclude tonight's program with the question, 'Is there life after death?'. And here to discuss this question are three dead people.  The late Pharaoh Ramses, former ruler of the kingdom of Egypt, circa 1400 BCE; the late Moshe ben Amram, tribal spokesperson and record holder for longest road trip across the wilderness; and putting forward the view of the Powers that Be, the prophet Elijah the Gileadite. Gentlemen, is there life after death or not? (Prolonged silence)

Well there we have it!  Three say "No". On next week's program we'll be discussing the question 'Does the state of France have a right to exist?. And until then, goodnight. 

THE END

Commentary / Readings
Source : Unknown

A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, "Who wrote this?"

It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoth, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go."

Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

A: Filet minyan

Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?

A: A Bris-kit!

From Shouts and Murmurs in the New Yorker, 4-14-11:

YOUNGEST CHILD: How is this night different from all other nights?

FATHER: Because on this night we tell the story of our escape from Egypt.

YOUNGEST CHILD: How is this night different from Easter?
FATHER: It is worse.

YOUNGEST CHILD: Why do we go through the motions of this ritual year after year, even though some of us doubt God’s existence?
FATHER: Because your grandmother is still alive.

YOUNGEST CHILD: Why on this night does the mother-in-law say that the brisket her son’s wife cooked is dry when it is fine?
FATHER: Because she resents the fact that she cannot legally marry her son, the doctor.

YOUNGEST CHILD: Why, if Israel is so great, have we never gone there?
FATHER: It is not great. We are scared to go there.

OLDEST DAUGHTER: When can I get a nose job?
FATHER: Ninety days before college. That is how long it takes for the bandages to come off.

FATHER: Has everyone here seen “Blazing Saddles”?
ALL: Yes, we have seen it.

FATHER: Do you remember the beans scene? That is the greatest scene.
ALL: Yes, we remember it.

FATHER: Does it get any better than Billy Joel?
ALL: No.

YOUNGEST CHILD: Why do we subscribe to the Forward?
FATHER: We do not subscribe. They found us.

YOUNGEST CHILD: Can we please just eat already?
FATHER: Yes.
ALL: Amen.



 

 

 

Songs

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes

Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes

Fish that gefillted, horseradish that stings

These are a few of our Passover things.

Matazh and karpas and chopped up haroset

Shankbones and kiddish and Yiddish neuroses

Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings

These are a few of our Passover things

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs

Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarros

Matzah balls floating and eggshell that clings

These are a few of our Passover thing.

When the plagues strike

When the lice bite

When we’re feeling sad

We simply remember our Passover things

And then we don’t feel so bad! 

Songs
Source : Original: Esther D. Kustanowitz
The Plot of Wonder Woman Meets Chad Gadya

Origin Story: Someone I know kept saying "Gal Gadot," the name of the Israeli actress who plays "Wonder W oman" in the DC Movie Universe. The more she said it, the more my brain kept singing her name to "Chad Gadya," the Aramaic song about the one little goat. And so, this parody version was born, celebrating the narrative spirit of the traditional Passover song with all the plot spoilers of the 2017 film, Wonder Woman, starring Gal Gadot.

While this version of the Chad Gadya has no goats - and really, very little relation to the song Chad Gadya - it can provide a pop culture chuckle at the end of a long seder. Or maybe in the middle, depending on how big your four cups of wine are. Enjoy!

- Esther D. Kustanowitz

Gal Gadot (to the tune of Chad Gadya

Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

1. Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

2. Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

3. Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

4. She discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

5. Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

6. Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

7. David Thewlis is obviously the villain, Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

8. Antiope's her aunt who didn't make it, David Thewlis is obviously the villain, Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

9. Diana's made of clay just like a dreidel, Antiope's her aunt who didn't make it, David Thewlis is obviously the villain, Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

10. Amazons are warriors on an island, Diana's made of clay just like a dreidel, Antiope's her aunt who didn't make it, David Thewlis is obviously the villain, Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!

11. Themyscira is a place of power, Amazons are warriors on an island, Diana's made of clay just like a dreidel, Antiope's her aunt who didn't make it, David Thewlis is obviously the villain, Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!!!

Songs
Source : Time of Israel
Chag Gad Ya Emoji Style

Songs
Source : http://www.sproutnshout.com/pharaoh.html

To the tune of "Louie, Louie"

CHORUS:

Pharaoh, Pharaoh
Oh baby!  Let my people go! 
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Singin' Pharaoh, Pharaoh
Oh baby! Let my people go! 
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

A burnin' bush told me just the other day
that I should come over here and stay.
Gotta get my people outta Pharaoh's hands
Gotta lead my people to the Promised Land.

CHORUS

The Nile turned to blood! There were darkened black skies!
Gnats and frogs! There were locusts and flies!
The first born died, causing Egypt to grieve,
Finally Pharaoh said, "Y'all can leave!"

CHORUS

Me and my people goin' to the Red Sea
Pharaoh's army's comin' after me.
I raised my rod, stuck it in the sand
All of God's people walked across the dry land.

CHORUS

Pharaoh's army was a comin' too.
So what do you think that I did do?
Well, I raised my rod and I cleared my throat
All of Pharaoh's army did the dead man's float.

CHORUS

Songs
Source : me

A Whole New World

to the tune of “A Whole New World”

God will show us the way 

To a place way out yonder. 

Forty years we’ll be wandering 

Until we find our dream.

God will give us the land. 

God will feed us with manna. 

We will see that we can escape 

Our lives in Mitzrayim.

A whole new world… 

Where we won’t live in slavery. 

No one to tell us no, 

The Jews can’t go, 

Or say we’re only dreaming.

A whole new world… 

A place where everyone is free. 

A whole new point of view 

For every Jew. 

Travel to a whole new world with me.

Songs

To the tune of juice by Lizzo

Pharaoh 

pharaoh 

in the halls

Don’t tell me you won’t free the jews

(ooh baby)

My man

Moses

Got that beard

Don’t make him call a plague on you

(ooh baby)

He was

Raised in

Egypt land

But now he’s back with something new

(ooh baby)

Gotta

Let my

People go

Cuz the hebrews gotta fly the coop!

(That’s how I roll)

Touch the

Water 

and the

Whole Nile

Turn to

Blood

(Hebrew goals)

Darkness

Boils and

Hail and

Even

Freaky

Bugs 

(now you know)

Frogs and

Lice and

Flies and

Pesti-

Lence no

good

(so you know)

One more

Plague from

Moses

And then

Bitch you 

done!

CHORUS

It ain’t my fault 

that I’m out here asking Qs

Got my matzoh and grape juice

Gotta pass over the Jews (yeah)

It ain’t my fault

That god’s death angel is loose

Out here killing first-born dudes

Gotta pass over the Jews 

hineni

Hi-ne-ni

hi-ne-ni

Hi-ne- //-ni

Pass over the jews gotta pass over the jews hi ne ni

Hi ne ni

Hi ne ni

Hi ne -

Pass over the jews gotta pass over the jews, yeah!

Songs
Source : Marc I. Leavey, M.D; artwork by Haggadot.com
Sweet Charoset - parody song

Sweet Charoset to the tune of “Sweet Caroline”

May be shared with credit line: © 2020 by Marc I. Leavey, M.D., Baltimore, Maryland

-

Before it begins, I get some nuts and apples

And cinnamon to make it strong

Chag in the spring

Prepare for Seder table

The family comes to sing this song

Dip, carpas dip

Reaching out, some for me, some for you

Sweet Charoset

Every year it seems so good

We sit reclined

Tell the story as we could

And then we

Go through the night

And we read the Hagadah

We started with cups one and two

After we eat

We bentch and say the Hallel

Then it’s time for the second two

Dip, carpas dip

Reaching out, some for me, some for you

Sweet Charoset

Every year it seems so good