STEPHEN MILLER: Hi everyone, I’m Stephen Miller, 34 year-old Senior Policy Advisor to President Trump. I’m a Jewish man from Santa Monica, California, which, there are a lot of us there, but they’re mostly the kind of Jews that are very unfair to President Trump, and, frankly, don’t understand what the stablest genius I’ve ever met is trying to do with this country, and its illegal immigrants, who are completely different from other immigrants, like the Jews, that came and made this country great. 

Analogously, our G-d, the President of the World, the Leader of the Free Universe, the Commander In Chief of the Cosmos, has instructed us to remove all Hametz from our domain. Many households informally adopt the practice of amnesty for their Hametz. 

These sanctuary households contend that they don’t need to remove what’s not really hurting anyone, what’s been in the domain for a long time, just sitting in the cabinet. They say it’s beneficial to their household to keep their box of Triscuits or their package of Flour Tortillas, because those foodstuffs keep for more than 8 days, longer than the length of Passover, and then can be eaten again afterwards. I enjoy Triscuits. I don’t care for Flour Tortillas. 

But sanctuary households, listen up, removing Hametz is the law of the land. And the law of the land must be followed. No exceptions. 

Like undocumented immigrants, all Hametz is illegal and must be removed. Technically, all should be searched for, collected, and burned. But there are some moderates at the table, who think that goes too far. I’m looking at you, Gary Cohn. And so, we say the prayer of the removal of the Hametz:

EVERYONE:

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al biur hametz.

Praised Are You, Our G-d, President of the World, Leader of the Free Universe, Commander In Chief of the Cosmos, who blesses us with mitzvot and instructs us to remove hametz.

adapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1976722772