Donald Trump: You know, a lot of people don’t know The Exodus Story, I didn’t know it until very recently, not a lot of people know it, very complicated stuff. You got this guy, this Moses guy, leading his people. He’s kind of like the Jew President, right? OK, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, so I know a thing or two about this. Some people say, I’m not saying this, but there are people saying, they’re saying, Moses, if you look at it, if you really look at it, he wasn’t such a good leader, not such a good guy, this Moses. I’m not saying that, but many people are. 

Some of these people, they wish I had been Moses. They do. They say, if Trump was Moses, if Trump was Moses, they say, the Jews never would have been enslaved in the first place. They say if Trump was Moses, the Jews would have enslaved the Egyptians instead! And we would’ve enslaved them so well, like no one’s ever been enslaved before. No doubt about it. Real tough slavery, folks. The toughest slavery you’ve ever seen. So tough the Egyptians would be the ones wanting to have Seders right now. To celebrate escaping from us. Except, if I was Moses, the Egyptians would never have escaped. So they wouldn’t be having Seders. Because they’d still be our slaves.

But I’m not saying that. Other people are saying that. Many others. But not me. I will say, you probably wouldn’t have been slaves for two hundred years, if I was leading you, but that’s OK, that’s OK. I’m here now. Can we, can we try something tonight, folks? Can we all pretend I’m Moses. Let’s pretend. Why not? And then I’ll tell you what I’d really do if I was Moses. Everyone close your eyes for the story. Close your eyes, children. Eric, no peeking. So Trump is Moses, Trump’s the leader of the Jewish people, Trump’s a prophet, Trump’s been sent by G-d. Picture that. Not that hard, right? Kind of already what’s going on, isn’t it? But OK, here’s what I’m going to do to about this Pharaoh. This Pharaoh, he’s a real bad hombre. But we’re going to deal with him. Oh boy, we’re going to deal with him, bigly. Because I’m going to do something no one’s ever done. I don’t know why no one’s ever done it before, but, most people aren’t as smart as me, no one is, actually, I’m, like, the smartest guy in history, so that’s probably why they never thought of this. 

So people say, they say, Donald, if you’re Moses, you gotta leave Egypt, you gotta take the Jews out of Egypt, we’ve always left Egypt, that’s just how it’s done. I tell you what, though, if I’m Moses, we’re not leaving Egypt this time. That’s establishment thinking. That’s swamp thinking. And it stops now. We’re gonna make THEM leave. The Egyptians, you hear that? You’re gone, you’re out of here, bye-bye. How are we going to do that? We’re gonna do some real bad things to these Egyptians. The media’s not going to like it. The media’s going to say, "Oh, you can’t do that to the Egyptian people, Donald, they’ve lived in Egypt for a long time, most of them since they were born, they have rights, too, you know." But bottom line? They treated us very unfairly. So they’re gonna get plagued. Serious plaguing, people. No one’s ever seen plagues like these before. Because I’m not just Moses, I’m not just Donald Trump, I’m not just a Prophet sent by G-d. I’m also Hashem, G-d, President of the World, Ruler of the Cosmos, Dictator of the Universe, Blessed am I. That’s right! So I do the plagues, too! I’m going to do it all! I alone can fix this!

Instead of DAM, turning the Egyptians’ water into blood, and TZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on them, and KINIM, infecting them with lice, we’re going to do some actual plaguing. We’re going to pass some common-sense gun laws to keep mentally ill and criminal hands off of weapons and reduce mass shootings in their land. And we’re going to tamper down coal, oil, nuclear, and fracking energy, and release the power of solar, water, and wind energy instead. We’re also going to infect them with a tax reform similar to America’s in the mid-20th century, when taxes were so progressive that it paid for infrastructure and welfare programs that created the best economy for the most amount of its citizens in our history, instead of the best economy for the least amount of its citizens like during the Gilded Age and today. 

It’s gonna be chaos. Turmoil. A total disaster. 

Instead of AROV, sending wild beasts at them, DEVER, diseasing their livestock, and SH’HIN, giving them boils, which is some real light-weight stuff, we’re going to give them universal healthcare. It’s going to be so universal, even the boils will be covered. We’re also going to make sure their food and drug regulatory agencies are well-funded and well-staffed, so that their livestock won’t be secretly harboring hormones and other poisonous material that slowly diseases and kills people over a long period of time. And we’re going to send them an actual environmentalist as the administrator of their Environmental Protection Agency, who won’t cut National Park funding, so that the wild beasts have a place to run free, you know?

This is Egyptian carnage, people. This is scary scary stuff, OK? I don’t have to tell you what kind of results we’re going to see. 

Instead of BARAD, thunderstorms of hail, and ARBEH, a dispersal of locusts, and HOSHEKH, darkness for three days, which— I actually kind of like the darkness for three days thing, that’s pretty good. We’ll do that one, and then we’re going to let all of their immigrants, who work hard and enhance the culture of their community, stay. And cut their military budget just 5%, which would provide enough funds for free pre-school and college educations and completely end poverty without raising the debt and without even hurting the military, which would still be the best in the world.

Look, enacting these plagues will be a nightmare. Believe me. The Egyptians will be so determined to leave, even a wall wouldn’t stop them. It’ll be so bad for them, they’re going to drown themselves in the Red Sea.

And if that doesn’t work, instead of MAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of their firstborn, we’re just going to make sure contraceptives are available across the land. It’s much better, because they’ll have a lot less firstborns for us to kill, who their women might not have wanted anyway, because they wanted to have a stable career first, or wanted to make sure they’re with the right partner.

How about that? The worst, right, folks? There’s never been a leader of the Jewish people who plagued the Egyptians so well. You’re welcome.

MOSES: Hey, Donald!

DONALD TRUMP: Who’s that?! Did you just muss my hair?!

MOSES: I just mussed whatever’s on top of your bulbous head. It’s me, Moses! Sheket bevakasha!

DONALD TRUMP: Moses?! How? What does sheket bevakasha mean?! 

MOSES: It’s Hebrew for, "You’re fired!"


adapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah -

haggadah Section: -- Exodus Story
Source: The Trump Passover Haggadah by Dave Cowen available in full at