IVANKA TRUMP: At every Seder there’s a Wise Child, a Wicked Child, a Simple Child, and a Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Ask a Question. Clearly, I’m The Wise Child. Who were you going to say, Tiff? As if. Now. What do I, Ivanka Trump, The Wise Child ask? Simple. "What are the testimonials, statutes and laws commanded of us?" The Wise Child is wise because she knows not to disobey. She may believe, for instance, that climate change is a real, already-happening, very clear and present danger likely to harm her young children, and billions of non-Trump children. But if the law of the land is: Climate Change doesn’t exist and it shouldn’t be studied by the E.P.A.? Then that is what The Wise Child obeys. Got it? Good.

TIFFANY TRUMP: I guess that makes me The Wicked Child? Cool. Whatevs. I’m supposed to ask, "What does this worship mean to you?" which implies that I’m excluding myself from the ceremony. Well, duh. Like, am I even a Trump? I’m not part of the initial Ivana three or the current Melania one. And Donald only started talking to me again when the R.N.C. told him I needed to be in the pictures. 

IVANKA TRUMP: Ah-hem. We now tell you, "I do this worship because G-d labored on my behalf by taking me out of Egypt." We’re also supposed to "blunt your teeth" for your wicked question.

TIFFANY TRUMP: Blunt my teeth? That is so extra.

DONALD TRUMP JR.: What’s this?

TIFFANY TRUMP: What’s what, Junior? 

DONALD TRUMP JR.: What’s this?

IVANKA TRUMP: He’s The Simple Child. He can literally only say, "What’s this?"

TIFFANY TRUMP: To everything?


IVANKA TRUMP: Daddy only wants him saying those two words so he can’t get himself in any more trouble with Mueller. He can modulate his voice in volume to get his point across though. 


IVANKA TRUMP: Junior, listen up, next we’re supposed to tell you: "With a strong hand G-d took us out of Egypt." Got it?

DONALD TRUMP JR.: what’s this?

TIFFANY TRUMP: I think that’s a no. What about you, Eric?


IVANKA TRUMP: He’s The Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Ask A Question.


TIFFANY TRUMP: Why doesn’t he know how to ask a question? He’s over thirty years old?

IVANKA TRUMP: I think he passed out from too much Eric Trump Wine.

TIFFANY TRUMP: OK...So, what do we tell him?

IVANKA TRUMP: We’re supposed to just say the same thing we said to you. But without blunting his teeth.

TIFFANY TRUMP: I hate this family.



adapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1976722772

haggadah Section: -- Four Children
Source: The Trump Passover Haggadah by Dave Cowen available in full at amazon.com/author/davecowen