The Four Trump Children - The Trump Passover Haggadah

Haggadah Section: -- Four Children

IVANKA TRUMP: At every Seder there’s a Wise Child, a Wicked Child, a Simple Child, and a Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Ask a Question. Clearly, I’m The Wise Child. Who were you going to say, Tiff? As if. Now. What do I, Ivanka Trump, The Wise Child ask? Simple. "What are the testimonials, statutes and laws commanded of us?" The Wise Child is wise because she knows not to disobey. She may believe, for instance, that climate change is a real, already-happening, very clear and present danger likely to harm her young children, and billions of non-Trump children. But if the law of the land is: Climate Change doesn’t exist and it shouldn’t be studied by the E.P.A.? Then that is what The Wise Child obeys. Got it? Good.

TIFFANY TRUMP: I guess that makes me The Wicked Child? Cool. Whatevs. I’m supposed to ask, "What does this worship mean to you?" which implies that I’m excluding myself from the ceremony. Well, duh. Like, am I even a Trump? I’m not part of the initial Ivana three or the current Melania one. And Donald only started talking to me again when the R.N.C. told him I needed to be in the pictures. 

IVANKA TRUMP: Ah-hem. We now tell you, "I do this worship because G-d labored on my behalf by taking me out of Egypt." We’re also supposed to "blunt your teeth" for your wicked question.

TIFFANY TRUMP: Blunt my teeth? That is so extra.

DONALD TRUMP JR.: What’s this?

TIFFANY TRUMP: What’s what, Junior? 

DONALD TRUMP JR.: What’s this?

IVANKA TRUMP: He’s The Simple Child. He can literally only say, "What’s this?"

TIFFANY TRUMP: To everything?


IVANKA TRUMP: Daddy only wants him saying those two words so he can’t get himself in any more trouble with Mueller. He can modulate his voice in volume to get his point across though. 


IVANKA TRUMP: Junior, listen up, next we’re supposed to tell you: "With a strong hand G-d took us out of Egypt." Got it?

DONALD TRUMP JR.: what’s this?

TIFFANY TRUMP: I think that’s a no. What about you, Eric?


IVANKA TRUMP: He’s The Child Who Doesn’t Even Know How To Ask A Question.


TIFFANY TRUMP: Why doesn’t he know how to ask a question? He’s over thirty years old?

IVANKA TRUMP: I think he passed out from too much Eric Trump Wine.

TIFFANY TRUMP: OK...So, what do we tell him?

IVANKA TRUMP: We’re supposed to just say the same thing we said to you. But without blunting his teeth.

TIFFANY TRUMP: I hate this family.



adapted from The Trump Passover Haggadah -

The Trump Passover Haggadah by Dave Cowen available in full at

Inspired to create
your own Haggadah?

Make your own Haggadah and share with other Seder lovers around the world

Have an idea
for a clip?

People like you bring their creativity to when they share their ideas in a clip

Support Us
with your donation

Help us build moments of meaning and connection through
home-based Jewish rituals.


contributor image
Esther Kustanowitz
4 Haggadahs44 Clips
contributor image
JQ International
1 Haggadah40 Clips
contributor image
MAZON: A Jewish Response to Hunger
5 Haggadahs109 Clips
contributor image
1 Haggadah13 Clips
contributor image
1 Haggadah78 Clips
contributor image
Truah: The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights
1 Haggadah36 Clips
contributor image
American Jewish World Service
1 Haggadah44 Clips
contributor image
3 Haggadahs57 Clips
contributor image
Repair the World
12 Clips
contributor image
5 Haggadahs48 Clips
contributor image
Be'chol Lashon
2 Haggadahs27 Clips
contributor image
PJ Library
1 Haggadah17 Clips
contributor image
Jewish World Watch
3 Haggadahs42 Clips
contributor image
Secular Synagogue
10 Clips
contributor image
1 Haggadah9 Clips
contributor image
The Blue Dove Foundation
20 Clips
contributor image
24 Clips
contributor image
Jewish Emergent Network
1 Haggadah22 Clips

Passover Guide

Hosting your first Passover Seder? Not sure what food to serve? Curious to
know more about the holiday? Explore our Passover 101 Guide for answers
to all of your questions.

Haggadot by Recustom, is a free resource for all backgrounds and experiences. Consider making a donation to help support the continuation of this free platform.

Copyright © 2024 Custom and Craft Jewish Rituals Inc, dba Recustom, dba
All Rights Reserved. 501(c)(3) not-for-profit organization. EIN: 82-4765805.