Skit - The Democrats Try To Nominate A New Moses
Skit - The Democrats Try To Nominate A New Moses
By Dave Cowen
New Judaic scholarship has recently uncovered a little known part of the Passover story. At one point, before the Jews’ Exodus from Egypt, when it wasn’t clear if Pharaoh would let them go, the Jewish people decided to put a term limit on how long Moses could be their leader. Even though some Jews thought of Moses as their (ba) rock and their (o) balm (a), they went about holding debates among candidates to see who might take over his position. This is a transcript.
Moderator
The question is simple. And it will go to each of you one at a time. What makes you the right leader of the Jewish People? We’ll start with Joe. Mr. Biden?
Joe
Well, first of all. I just want to say, that, I know Moses well, very well. I worked, hand-in-hand, with Moses, for eight years. I was Moses’ right-hand man, and I have had the privilege of learning from him, directly, how to lead our people. So, I think, what I offer, is a continuation of the leadership of Moses, into the next chapter of our peoples’ history.
Mike
And yet following Moses’ leadership has not freed us from slavery yet. So why would we want a continuation of Moses’ leadership?
Moderator
Mr. Bloomberg, what would be your plan to get us out of Egypt?
Mike
Well, I think these plagues have been helpful. And Moses’ attempts at dialogue have been helpful as well. But I am the wealthiest Jewish man in Egypt. And I think the real answer is that we should just simply pay the Pharaoh to let us go. This may sound worldly. But money talks. So I’ll make a promise. I am prepared to spend my entire fortune on buying our freedom. Well, part of most of my entire fortune.
Elizabeth
Mr. Bloomberg, with all due respect, what makes you think money would guarantee Pharaoh lets us go? What would he do for slaves? He can’t pay his people to be his slaves.That would be a whole other system of covert subjugation, by a different name. Which might actually be even more effective and scary, now that I think about it. Hm.
Moderator
Mrs. Warren, if you don’t think money will convince the Pharaoh to let us go, what will?
Elizabeth
I’m glad you asked. I have about fifty plans for this.
Moderator
Pick one to start.
Elizabeth
Well, I think we need to break up the Egyptian business monopolies. The Nile company which Pharaoh owns and made him the wealthiest man in the world, until he had an affair and divorced his wife, and lost a third of that money, point is, we need to regulate that monopoly. If we had regulated the Apple company back in the day, we might still be living in Paradise.
Pete
But, Elizabeth, are you even Jewish? You claim your great grandmother is Jewish. Sure, technically, we all descended from Adam and Eve as you said, but there’s no proof that--
Elizabeth
I may not be able to prove that I am 1/16th Jewish, but I didn’t work for the Pharaoh’s Pyramid Wall Street consulting company in my youth. Pete, how do we know that you are a true agent of change, if you were part of the system?
Pete
Look at this boyish smile. How could you not trust this boyish smile?
Elizabeth
I’m not sure we want a boyish leader. We want an experienced adult.
Moderator
Tom what do you think?
Tom
About Pete’s smile?
Moderator
I meant about being the next Moses.
Tom
Right. Duh. I believe the only way to get us out of Egypt is to convince his people to impeach him. How could they not after all the devastation he has let happen to them?
Amy
His people will never impeach him. They even tried to this year, but it failed. That’s not a real option.
Tom
And what do you think is better, Candidate Klobuchar, working with him, and the Egyptians?
Amy
I do. I am a pragmatist. I still think I can win them over.
Bernie
This is crazy. No one has brought up the ONLY way to solve this problem.
Moderator
What’s that, Mr. Sanders?
Bernie
We tax the Pharaoh! When I put a 100% wealth tax on him, he’ll want us out of here in a second.
Pete
Bernie, he’s a tyrant. We’re slaves. We can’t tax him.
Joe
Yes, that’s a classic Democratic-Socialist pie-in-the-sky idea.
Bernie
You moderates have no imagination.
Elizabeth
Look, I think we can break up some of his companies, but to tax him, that doesn’t seem to be a viable plan, Bernie. And I’m a progressive just like you, who knows a lot about plans.
Moderator
Look, everyone! Here comes Moses!
Moses
I have great news, my people! I’ve talked to Pharaoh again. While you were having this debate. Not offended in the slightest, all good. But, just so you know, Pharaoh freed us!
Moderator
Wow! Amazing! Who here wants Moses to be our leader again, say, Aye?
Joe/Mike/Elizabeth/Pete/Tom/Amy/Bernie/Jewish People/Moderator
AYE!
Moses
Thing is, we have to leave, like, right now, without finishing baking the bread…
Tom
Oh.
Pete
Hm.
Joe
I mean, our people love baked bread.
Elizabeth
Yeah, I can’t imagine leaving without baked bread.
Mike
That would be worse than staying.
Amy
Awkward.
Bernie
Can we still vote?
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