Hametz - Curb Your Haggadah

Haggadah Section: Introduction

THE SEARCHING FOR AND REMOVAL OF THE HAMETZ

LARRY WATCHES AS HIS MANAGER AND BEST FRIEND, JEFF GREENE, AND JEFF’S WIFE, SUSIE, EAGERLY SEARCH FOR HAMETZ AROUND THEIR HOUSE.

LARRY DAVID

What is this? What are you guys doing?

SUSIE GREENE

What do you mean, what are we doing? We’re searching for Hametz?

LARRY DAVID

Since when do you care about Hametz?  I’ve gone to Italian restaurants with you the night after Seders?



 

SUSIE GREENE

That was before Rabbi Rebecca and her Center and most importantly…

JEFF GREENE

Hashem.

LARRY DAVID

No! Not you two, too.

SUSIE GREENE

It’s a miracle, Lar. We’ve tried couples therapy. With the most expensive psychologists in this city. For years. Decades. And nothing ever worked. But the last month of daily workshops at Rabbi Rebecca’s Center and…

LARRY DAVID

What? She’s healed everything?

SUSIE GREENE

Not her. Hashem did. Including my fibromyalgia.

JEFF GREENE

It’s true. And I lost eighteen pounds. Chai!

LARRY LOOKS INCREDULOUSLY AT JEFF.

LARRY DAVID

Jeff, are you hametzing serious with this hametz?

JEFF GREENE

Yes. I am. And we are. And could you please stop using that bad language?

LARRY DAVID

What bad language? Hametz? I can’t say hametz anymore? You’re not saying hametzing hametz anymore?

JEFF GREENE

At least not for Passover.

LARRY DAVID

Why? 

JEFF GREENE

Along with physical Hametz, all leavened bread. We’re also clearing away all spiritual Hametz.

LARRY DAVID

What the hametz is spiritual Hametz?

SUSIE GREENE
What is there not to get? It’s all that mishegas in your head. We have to sweep up all that sick mishegas in that sick head of yours, Larry! That sick mind, body, and soul. Sweep up all the sick mishegas in it. And burn it!

LARRY DAVID

Burn it?!

SUSIE GREENE

Burn it.

JEFF GREENE

Should we say the prayer?


 

SUSIE GREENE

Yes, let’s say the prayer.

EVERYONE:

KHCJZ7WwnIKpRkeKQiSj_AQiNEnjAs7Y7o72qga51FM30SMClx9vAJ0Nktg9TAGGRTzCrev-u517_H6AKHQesD3-2IDvCUXiQTn9q20WFbt98AFB3eagQ1IY0NVWytr4DZfM143X

Baruch atah Ad-nai, Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al biur Hametz.

Praised are You, our G-d, who blesses us and instructs us to remove Hametz.

LARRY DAVID

This whole thing sounds like mishegas to me.

Source:  
from Curb Your Haggadah available in full at: amazon.com/author/davecowen
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Table of contents
    Introduction
  • Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction - The Yada Yada Haggadah
  • Matzah
  • Monty Python Haggadah: The Seder Plate
  • I Flee
  • The Sorting Hat of Passover
  • Let's get this party started
  • Courtesy of Beyonceder
  • The 30-second Seder
  • The 15-second Seder
  • Seder Guests...
  • Hametz - Curb Your Haggadah
    • Songs
  • Take Me Out to the Seder
  • Chametz
  • Our Passover Things (Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")
  • The Plot of Wonder Woman Meets Chad Gadya
  • Chag Gad Ya Emoji Style
  • Pharoah Pharoah
  • A Whole New World Passover Parody
  • "Jews" (Juice by Lizzo)
  • Sweet Charoset - parody song
  • Take Me Out of Mitzrayim
    • Kadesh
  • Four Cups of Wine
  • Kadesh: Happy Hour Begins
    • Urchatz
  • 2020 Seder Order
  • Seinfeld Urchatz - The Yada Yada Haggadah
  • Wash Your Hands song
    • Karpas
  • Karpas - The Yada Yada Haggadah
  • Karpas Buzzfeed style quiz
  • Karpas Cocktail
  • Da Dip
    • Tzafun
  • Afikomen Prize
  • Shalom Sesame: Les Matzarables
  • Afikoman
    • Yachatz
  • Aim for the Middle
  • Pharaoh Doesn't Pay
  • Song - Don't sit on the Afikomen
  • Skit - The Real Reason We Had Unleavened Bread
    • Maggid - Beginning
  • Moses, Aaron, and Pharaoh
  • A Few of my Favorite Things
    • -- Four Questions
  • Dr. Seuss' Four Questions
  • Four Questions Asked in Sarcasm
  • Ma Nishtanah
  • Monty Python Haggadah: Four Questions
  • Four Funny Questions
    • -- Four Children
  • The Good Place - 4 Children
  • Emoji Four children
  • Marx Brothers Four Sons
  • SP - Four Sons
  • Pesah Man (Sing to tune of Piano Man)
  • The Four Sons
  • The Four Sisters
  • Reggae Four Children: No Egypt, No Cry!
    • -- Exodus Story
  • Let My People Go (song)
  • Exodus story in LEGO
  • Beyonceder - Tell Him Boy Bye
  • Star Wars / Sci-fi Seder Intro
  • Matzah Humor
  • Story of Moses - a memo from Moses to G-d
  • Beyonceder - He Better Call Becky With the Good Hair
  • Skit - The Original Zoom
  • Passover In Pop Culture
    • -- Ten Plagues
  • Skit - Pharaoh and Moses Go To A Conflict Counselor
  • Dom, Dom
  • Death of the Firstborn
  • Alternate Seinfeld Plagues.
  • 50 Ways to Leave Your Pharaoh
  • Top Ten Rejected Plagues
  • FIRST PLAGUE AS REPORTED ON TWITTER
  • Shalom Auslander - Plauged
  • The Ten Plagues
  • Musical "Let it Go"
  • Hamilton Haggadah - Ten Plagues of Egypt
    • -- Cup #2 & Dayenu
  • Maroon 5/Adam Levine - "Memories (The 2nd Cup Parody Song)"
  • Beyonceder - Let's Get in Formation
  • Dayenu: Behind the Music (A Fictional Origins Story)
  • We're Gonna Sing Dayenu (Sing to tune of We Didn't Start the Fire)
  • dayeinu graph
    • Rachtzah
  • Because we would feel guilty if we didn't
  • Modern Passover
    • Motzi-Matzah
  • An Ode to Bread
  • No Pasta more Matzah
  • Motzi-Matzah
  • DIY Matzoh Baking
  • Flour + Water = Matzah
    • Maror
  • Have Yourself a Piece of Bitter Maror
    • Koreich
  • A Joke of a Sandwich
  • Charoset Ice Cream
    • Shulchan Oreich
  • Dr. Mom BLOWS UP Passover (Food) (With Science)
  • Matzah Ball Soup
    • Bareich
  • When Messiah Comes Lyrics
    • Hallel
  • Les Miselijah
  • Monty Python Haggadah: Elijah's Cup
    • Nirtzah
  • Beyonceder - Next Year in Jerusalem
  • Monty Python Haggadah: Conclusion
  • Monty Python Haggadah: Afikomen
  • Next Year In Jerusalem Meme
    • Conclusion
  • Ben & Jerry's Rejected Passover Flavors
  • Be Our Guest, Elijah
    • Commentary / Readings
  • Monty Python Haggadah
  • Humor and hijinks
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