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To the tune of juice by Lizzo Pharaoh  pharaoh  in the halls Don’t tell me you won’t free the jews (ooh baby) My man Moses Got that beard Don’t make him call a plague on you (ooh baby) He was Raised in Egypt land But now he’s back with something new (ooh baby) Gotta Let my People go Cuz the hebrews gotta fly the coop! (That’s how I roll) Touch the Water  and the Whole Nile Turn to Blood (Hebrew goals)...

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REJECTED BEN & JERRY’S PASSOVER FLAVORS ALEX BERNSTEIN Why is this ice cream different from all other ice creams? Bread O’ Affliction! – Sure, we wanted to use real bread, but who has the time?! Hillel Sandwich – Made from the old Rebbe’s secret recipe! Where’s Elijah when ya need him?! Burn Bush Burn! – Our spiciest ice cream peppered with Red Hots! You’ll never quite consume it! Two Plagues Twisted! – Boils and locusts swirled together with a rich Red...

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\ NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM!

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Donald Trump: You know, a lot of people don’t know The Exodus Story, I didn’t know it until very recently, not a lot of people know it, very complicated stuff. You got this guy, this Moses guy, leading his people. He’s kind of like the Jew President, right? OK, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, he’s the Jew President, I’m the U.S. President, so I know a thing or two about this. Some people say, I’m not saying this,...

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PLAGUED And the Lord brought the Israelites out of Egypt. And one chose to stay behind BY SHALOM AUSLANDER Come on in here, Seth,” called Mr. Omonratop. “We need to talk.” Omonratop was my boss, a middle-aged man of wealth, responsibility, and the insincere yet irresistible charm common to captains of industry, heads of state, and leaders of religions. I was a young craftsman in a large southern Egyptian craftsman company with offices in twenty-two districts around the empire. A glamour...

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FIRST PLAGUE AS REPORTED ON TWITTER by Jacob Richman, http://www.jr.co.il/humor/pass72.htm CNN-Alerts: Egyptian water turns to blood Jewish-Press: G-d sends first plague onto Egypt BBC-Alerts: Egyptian officials say there is no problem. Egypt-Ministry-of-Health: Temporary problem with the water supply Egypt-Opposition: Do not drink the water Muhamed-the-Egyptian: What the #%&!? Jacob-the-Jew: What water problem?? Hamas-Guy: Tastes great, less filling Pharo-the-Great: Anyone see that Moses dude? Obama-Man: Give the negotiations a chance Hillary-Clinton: This directed assault is an insult to the United States and...

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Seinfeld Urchatz by Dave Cowen (adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah) INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT ELAINE Now what? KRAMER It’s time for the Urchatz. Where we all wash our hands before the meal with this. KRAMER PASSES A BOWL FILLED WITH WATER TO ELAINE.  ELAINE OK... ELAINE WASHES HER HANDS. THEN WHEN SHE IS DIRECTED BY KRAMER TO PASS THE BOWL TO THE NEXT PERSON, JERRY REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON. HE TURNS HORRIFIED: JERRY Wait. We’re all washing our hands...

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We were slaves in Egypt, now we are free. Let’s have a Seder! What’s on the Seder plate? Egg, herbs, bone, greens, charoset Let’s drink some wine. Why is this night different? Why is this child different? Ten plagues on the Egyptians. Enough already – Dayeinu! Drink wine again. Matzah, Maror, Hillel sandwich, let’s eat! Where’s the Afikoman? Thanks for the food! Drink some more Wine. Open the door for Elijah! Drink some wine – last one. Thanking and singing. Next...

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Setting: A dusty street in an small Egyptian city. Moses: It's time to ask the five questions. Aaron: Four, sir! It's FOUR questions. Moses: Right. Thou shalt ask four. No more. No less. Four shall be the number thou shalt ask, and the number of the asking shall be four. Five shalt thou not ask, nor either ask thou three, excepting that thou then proceed to four. Enter King Arthur and the Black Knight. King Arthur fights the Black Knight. First...

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Seder Guests To the tune of “Matchmaker” Seder guests, seder guests lend me your ear We’ve all arrived Another year Seder guests, seder guests look in your book Tonight we drink wine, not beer. For Papa, please pay attention For Mama, get through all of the steps. For me, well, I wouldn’t mention If matzah ball soup was just all we get Seder guests, seder guests, mah nishtanah? Let us find out What Israelites saw. We tell the story to the...

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I Want to Wash My Hands to the tune of “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles Oh yeah, I’ll tell you something It’s one of God’s commands When you start the Seder You need to wash your hands You need to wash your hands You need to wash your hands Oh my what a feeling Before the paschal lamb And yes it’s appealing I want to wash my hands I want to wash my hands I want to...