Two Minute Haggadah

Haggadah Section: Introduction
Family

The Two-Minute Haggadah : A Passover service for the impatient, by Michael Rubiner

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. ( Heat soup now. )

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. ( Let brisket cool now. )

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough.

If he'd parted the Red Sea—( Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now. )

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything. SERVE MEAL.

Source:  
http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/low_concept/2006/04/the_twominute_haggadah.html
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Table of contents
    Introduction
  • Pesach
  • Opening Song
  • Ice Breaker
  • Matzah Show - Muppets Parody
  • The Passover Seder - A How-To Guide
  • No Seder Like Our Seder
  • Two Minute Haggadah
  • The Sorting Hat of Passover
  • Jokes
  • What is Hametz?
  • What is Kitniyot?
  • A Half-Baked Passover History Mystery
  • Quick Seder Plate Guide
  • Matzah
    • Five Fun Facts About Passover
    • Four Parents
    • Passover according to Lego
      • Kadesh
    • Kiddush
    • Take Us Out of Egypt
      • Urchatz
    • Hand Washing
      • Karpas
    • Karpas Drawing Activity
    • Ha'Adamah
      • Yachatz
    • Bread of Affliction
    • The Middle Matzah Horcrux
    • Visual Yachatz
      • Maggid - Beginning
    • Passover Play - a ten minute script for all ages
    • Maggid in Egypt (sephardi)
    • No Seder Like Our Seder - A Passover Song
      • -- Exodus Story
    • Star Wars / Sci-fi Seder Intro
    • Exodus Story - Drawing Activity
    • macabeats story
    • DAYENU: An Exercise in Gratitude
    • Let Us Go
    • Three Second Flip Book Haggadah
    • Moses Parts the Sea
    • Seda' Club
      • -- Four Questions
    • Four Funny Questions
    • Dr. Seuss' Four Questions
    • Ma Nishtana (The Four Questions) - Learn what they mean and how to sing them
      • -- Four Children
    • Four Children
    • Four Children - Drawing Activity (2)
    • Four Sons Song - to the tune of Clementine
    • Four sons
    • The Child Who Doesn't Know how to Ask a Question
    • The Simple Child
    • The Wicked Child
    • The Wise Child
    • Four Children
    • GBM Four Children Art Contest
      • -- Ten Plagues
    • Ten Plagues - Frog
    • Science explanation of the Plagues
    • Bible Raps Presents: Oregon Hillel Raps the Plagues
    • The Ten Plagues
      • -- Cup #2 & Dayenu
    • We are grateful ~ Dayenu
    • Dayenu (English - song)
    • Dayenu: Learn the words to the Passover Seder song
      • Rachtzah
    • Rachtzah
    • Step-By-Step Seder: Step 6, Rachtza
      • Songs
    • The Enchanted Matza
    • Eliana Light, “BaShanah HaZeh”
    • Chag Gad Ya Emoji Style
    • I'll Be There for You
      • Motzi-Matzah
    • Shmurah Matzah
      • Maror
    • Horseradish
    • Maror
    • Maror (Bitter Herbs) by Hanan Harchol
    • maror
      • Koreich
    • who invented the sandwhich
    • Visual Koreich
      • Shulchan Oreich
    • Let's Eat!
    • Matzah Ball Soup
    • Stump the Adults! (courtesy of Nancy Becker)
    • Just Joking: Shulchan Orech
      • Tzafun
    • Find the Afikomen!
    • Uncle Eli Afikoman
      • Bareich
    • Pouring Elijah's and Miriam's Cup (simplified for children)
    • Miriam's Cup
    • Opening the Door for Elijah
    • Barech
    • Uncle Eli - Opening the Door
    • Bareich
      • Hallel
    • Haggadah Haiku
    • Heschel on Kindness
    • Direct Contact
    • Hinei Ma Tov
    • Welcoming Others
      • Nirtzah
    • Nirtzah
    • Nirtzah
    • Chad Gadya
      • Commentary / Readings
    • Seder Table
    • Family Passover Scavanger Hunt
    • Jokes for Kids: The best clean Pesach jokes I've found
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