JOE BIDEN: Okay, folks, I guess it’s time for The Magid, The Exodus Story.
It’s funny, I actually identify a bit with Moses. Not, uh, you know, too much. But we both dealt with a, a stutter.
In Exodus, Moses doesn’t think he’s capable or able to lead the Jews out of Egypt, telling G-d: “Please, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since You have spoken to Your servant, for I am slow of speech and tongue.”
In the past, I didn’t think it was possible that I could be President with my stutter. But I would think back to my mother who would tell me, "Joey, don't let this define you. Joey, remember who you are. Joey, you can do it.”
So every time I would walk out, she would reinforce me. I know that sounds silly, but it really matters.
Anyway, sometimes during the debates with You Know Who, I didn’t know if I could get a word out, or even a word in, and I thought I might lose the Presidency because of it, but G-d helped Moses and G-d helped me, too.
G-d helped all of us, I should say.
Because You Know Who was more than a bit like Pharaoh.
He just wouldn’t let his office go.
Let it go, we said, let your office go.
But he wouldn’t let his office go.
DONALD TRUMP: AND I STILL WON’T!
JOE BIDEN: Who let you in here, Donald?!
DONALD TRUMP: McConnell did.
KAMALA HARRIS: Mitch?! What did you do that for? We were all trying to get along and mend bridges!
MITCH MCCONNELL: He said he was going to start a new party if I didn’t. You know how I am. It’s all about self-interest!
JOE BIDEN: What do you want, man?
DONALD TRUMP: I want to rewrite the Exodus story my way. This time the Pharaoh stays in control.
NANCY PELOSI: That’s not what happened. And it’s not what’s happening here either. You can forget it.
DONALD TRUMP: Who’s going to stop me?
MOSES: I will.
MICHELLE OBAMA: And I will.
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ: Me, too.
OPRAH: Count me in.
AMANDA GORMAN: I may be small, but you don’t intimidate me.
DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON: And don’t even try me.
KANYE WEST: Even I’ve had enough.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: Same.
EVERYONE: You get out of here, too, Zuck!
JOE BIDEN: No, everyone stays. Donald, no matter how much we dislike you, and what you’ve done, you are part of our country and our story.
GEORGE SOROS: Are you sure you don’t want me to get out the Jewish Space Laser and zap him out of existence?
JOE BIDEN: No, he stays. Even the Simple One is welcome. And that’s not a joke.
DONALD TRUMP: So you’re saying, I can still be President?
JOE BIDEN: No, man. But you can stay for the meal. Is that a fair deal?
DONALD TRUMP: Deal.
MARK ZUCKERBERG: What about me?
JOE BIDEN: You can stay, too. But we might need to regulate you like a lot more.
Now let’s do the plagues paired with my executive orders.
DAM, turning the Egyptians’ water into blood, but also rejoining the Paris Agreement on climate change.
TZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on them, but also ending the Muslim country entry ban.
KINIM, infecting them with lice, but also requiring people to wear masks on federal property.
DONALD TRUMP: These sound like double the plagues.
JOE BIDEN: Would you shut up, man!
DONALD TRUMP: Yeah, sure, it might be nice to not talk so much. I’m working on that in therapy. It’s weird, I guess, like, I have some problems. Who knew?!
JOE BIDEN: AROV, sending wild beasts at them, but also examining racial profiling and changing how police enforce laws.
DEVER, diseasing their livestock, but also coordinating a federal COVID response with vaccines for all.
SH’HIN, giving them boils, but also banning discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation in all spheres including the military.
BARAD, thunderstorms of hail, but also stopping the construction of the Keystone oil pipeline and focusing on clean and green energy.
ARBEH, a dispersal of locusts, but also pausing student loan payments and considering a reduction in the principal.
HOSHEKH, darkness for three days, but also stopping any further wall construction and supporting DACA.
MAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of their firstborn, but also making peace between the Democrats, Republicans, and Independents.
How about that?
EVERYONE: Love it!
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