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INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT JERRY Do you know why they call it Passover? G-d told Moses that the Israelites should mark their doorposts with lamb’s blood. So that He could “pass over” their houses. And spare them from the plague of the killing of the first born. My question is: Who was put in charge of telling everyone? That’s a big job. There’s a lot counting on that job. What if someone isn’t home? How did they tell them? Did...

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(sung to the tune of “Take me out to the ball game")   Take us out of Egypt Free us from slavery Bake us some matzah in a haste Don't worry 'bout flavor-- Give no thought to taste. Oh it's rush, rush, rush, to the Red Sea If we don't cross it's a shame For it's ten plagues, Down and you're out At the Pesach history game

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To help us remember the story of the first Passover, we have assembled various symbolic foods on a Seder plate. There's egg and spam; shankbone and spam; greens and spam, bitter herbs and spam, charoses and spam, and spam, and spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam matzoh and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!  But I can't eat spam, it's not kosher! 

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I'm in hour three of cleaning my kitchen and there's still no end in sight.Crouching on my kitchen floor, refrigerator door open, food stuffs spoiling around me, I wonderIs this what the Israelites did? Did they throw out their moldy jars of pasta sauce and shriveled vegetables, so rotten I'm not sure what some of the things once were?I have taken my kitchen apart in a rather manic fashion.  Pots to scour sit on the countertops, cabinet doors are open, their...

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The Sorting Hat of Passover                        You might belong in Gryffindor where dwell the brave at heart.  They forge the path for those to come with justice, tzedek, from the start!You might belong in Hufflepuff where they are just and loyal.  Those patient ‘Puffs are true and unafraid of Middle Eastern turmoil!Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw if you’ve a ready mind.  Where those of wit and learning will always find chevruta in kind.Or perhaps in Slytherin you’ll make your real friends. ...

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We were slaves in Egypt, now we are free. Let’s have a Seder! What’s on the Seder plate? Egg, herbs, bone, greens, charoset Let’s drink some wine. Why is this night different? Why is this child different? Ten plagues on the Egyptians. Enough already – Dayeinu! Drink wine again. Matzah, Maror, Hillel sandwich, let’s eat! Where’s the Afikoman? Thanks for the food! Drink some more Wine. Open the door for Elijah! Drink some wine – last one. Thanking and singing. Next...

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Were slaves, now free. Seder! Seder plate? Stuff. Wine! Why is this night? Why is this child? PLAGUES! Dayeinu! Wine! Matzah, Maror, Charoset Let’s eat! Afikoman? Wine! Elijah. Wine! Singing. Next year in Jerusalem!

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Seder Guests To the tune of “Matchmaker” Seder guests, seder guests lend me your ear We’ve all arrived Another year Seder guests, seder guests look in your book Tonight we drink wine, not beer. For Papa, please pay attention For Mama, get through all of the steps. For me, well, I wouldn’t mention If matzah ball soup was just all we get Seder guests, seder guests, mah nishtanah? Let us find out What Israelites saw. We tell the story to the...

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                                                                        The Chametz                                                                     Sung to “Maria”                                            The Chametz.                                              We just threw out all of the Chametz.                                            And suddenly we feel.                                             We’re ready for the Seder meal.                                            The Chametz.                                              We just threw out all of the Chametz                                             And suddenly we’ve found.                                            There’s no more bread or cake around.                                            The Chametz .                                            Say it loud and it’s corn and pasta.                                                            Say it soft and it’s pizza, not matzah.                                              The Chumetz.                                              We’ll live for eight days without Chametz.

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THE SEARCHING FOR AND REMOVAL OF THE HAMETZ LARRY WATCHES AS HIS MANAGER AND BEST FRIEND, JEFF GREENE, AND JEFF’S WIFE, SUSIE, EAGERLY SEARCH FOR HAMETZ AROUND THEIR HOUSE. LARRY DAVID What is this? What are you guys doing? SUSIE GREENE What do you mean, what are we doing? We’re searching for Hametz? LARRY DAVID Since when do you care about Hametz?  I’ve gone to Italian restaurants with you the night after Seders?   SUSIE GREENE That was before Rabbi Rebecca and...

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KADESH: Happy Hour begins Humorous Bangitout.com Q. "Red, Red, Wine...Stay close to me" -- Why Red Wine, Bob? Sure there is the whole symbolic "looks like blood" thing (Jewish slaves or Paschal Lamb? You make the call) -- but the Ishbitzer Rav gives a novel interpretation: Wine, is the product of a long process (the longer it takes, the more expensive!) From the grape to the bottle, it goes through some long hard processes. So too, the Jewish Nation also requires...

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Seinfeld Urchatz by Dave Cowen (adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah) INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT ELAINE Now what? KRAMER It’s time for the Urchatz. Where we all wash our hands before the meal with this. KRAMER PASSES A BOWL FILLED WITH WATER TO ELAINE.  ELAINE OK... ELAINE WASHES HER HANDS. THEN WHEN SHE IS DIRECTED BY KRAMER TO PASS THE BOWL TO THE NEXT PERSON, JERRY REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON. HE TURNS HORRIFIED: JERRY Wait. We’re all washing our hands...

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I Want to Wash My Hands to the tune of “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles Oh yeah, I’ll tell you something It’s one of God’s commands When you start the Seder You need to wash your hands You need to wash your hands You need to wash your hands Oh my what a feeling Before the paschal lamb And yes it’s appealing I want to wash my hands I want to wash my hands I want to...

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Scene 1:  In the Desert  Moses is galloping (skipping on foot while clopping coconuts together to sound like hoofbeats) across the desert. He comes to a burning bush. Bush: Halt! Who goes there! Moses: A shrubbery! A talking shrubbery! One that looks nice, but is not too expensive. It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. Bush: Moses! Moses, Leader of the Israelites!  (Moses looks stunned, drops to his knees in awe and bows his head to the ground...

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Narrator:  We conclude tonight's program with the question, 'Is there life after death?'. And here to discuss this question are three dead people.  The late Pharaoh Ramses, former ruler of the kingdom of Egypt, circa 1400 BCE; the late Moshe ben Amram, tribal spokesperson and record holder for longest road trip across the wilderness; and putting forward the view of the Powers that Be, the prophet Elijah the Gileadite. Gentlemen, is there life after death or not? (Prolonged silence) Well there...

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Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for to open the door for Elijah's penguin. (Participant opens the door and in comes a penguin. The penguin explodes.)