FIRST PLAGUE AS REPORTED ON TWITTER

FIRST PLAGUE AS REPORTED ON TWITTER
by Jacob Richman, http://www.jr.co.il/humor/pass72.htm

CNN-Alerts: Egyptian water turns to blood

Jewish-Press: G-d sends first plague onto Egypt

BBC-Alerts: Egyptian officials say there is no problem.

Egypt-Ministry-of-Health: Temporary problem with the water supply

Egypt-Opposition: Do not drink the water

Muhamed-the-Egyptian: What the #%&!?

Jacob-the-Jew: What water problem??

Hamas-Guy: Tastes great, less filling

Pharo-the-Great: Anyone see that Moses dude?

Obama-Man: Give the negotiations a chance

Hillary-Clinton: This directed assault is an insult to the United States and our ally Egypt

EU-Council: We condem this aggressive act of violence

The-Hague: We condem the Israelites for war crimes against the Egyptians.

UN-Spokeman: Securty Resolution 2 - Israelites condemed for inciting the Egyptians

Dubai-Police: We have a video of 26 foreigners tampering with the water supply

Joe's-Spring-Water: Get our Egyptian importer on the line

Sarah Palin: They deserve it! Anyone see my shotgun ?

haggadah Section: -- Ten Plagues

Featured clips

Introduction

Jerry Seinfeld's Passover Stand-Up Introduction

by Dave Cowen

Introduction

Stephen Miller Removes/Deports The Hametz

by Dave Cowen

Songs

Take Me Out to the Seder

by Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner

(sung to the tune of “Take me out to the ball game") Take us out of Egypt Free us from slavery Bake us some matzah in a haste Don't worry 'bout flavor-- Give no thought to taste. Oh it's rush, rush, rush, to the Red Sea If we don't cross it's a shame For it's ten plagues, Down and you're out At the Pesach history game

Introduction

Matzah

by Will Deutsch

Introduction

Monty Python Haggadah: The Seder Plate

by Sue Kayton

To help us remember the story of the first Passover, we have assembled various symbolic foods on a Seder plate. There's egg and spam; shankbone and spam; greens and spam, bitter herbs and spam, charoses and spam, and spam, and spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam matzoh and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! But I can't eat spam, it's not kosher!

Introduction

I Flee

by Warren Hoffman

I'm in hour three of cleaning my kitchen and there's still no end in sight.Crouching on my kitchen floor, refrigerator door open, food stuffs spoiling around me, I wonderIs this what the Israelites did? Did they throw out their moldy jars of pasta sauce and shriveled vegetables, so rotten I'm not sure what some of the things once were?I have taken my kitchen apart in a rather manic fashion. Pots to scour sit on the countertops, cabinet doors are open, their...

Introduction

The Sorting Hat of Passover

by Cantor fbg

The Sorting Hat of Passover You might belong in Gryffindor where dwell the brave at heart. They forge the path for those to come with justice, tzedek, from the start!You might belong in Hufflepuff where they are just and loyal. Those patient ‘Puffs are true and unafraid of Middle Eastern turmoil!Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw if you’ve a ready mind. Where those of wit and learning will always find chevruta in kind.Or perhaps in Slytherin you’ll make your real friends. ...

Introduction

Four Cups of Wine

by Haggadot

Kadesh

Kadesh: Happy Hour Begins

by Michelle

KADESH: Happy Hour begins Humorous Bangitout.com Q. "Red, Red, Wine...Stay close to me" -- Why Red Wine, Bob? Sure there is the whole symbolic "looks like blood" thing (Jewish slaves or Paschal Lamb? You make the call) -- but the Ishbitzer Rav gives a novel interpretation: Wine, is the product of a long process (the longer it takes, the more expensive!) From the grape to the bottle, it goes through some long hard processes. So too, the Jewish Nation also requires...

Urchatz

2020 Seder Order

by Haggadot

Urchatz

Seinfeld Urchatz

by Dave Cowen

Seinfeld Urchatz by Dave Cowen (adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah) INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT ELAINE Now what? KRAMER It’s time for the Urchatz. Where we all wash our hands before the meal with this. KRAMER PASSES A BOWL FILLED WITH WATER TO ELAINE. ELAINE OK... ELAINE WASHES HER HANDS. THEN WHEN SHE IS DIRECTED BY KRAMER TO PASS THE BOWL TO THE NEXT PERSON, JERRY REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON. HE TURNS HORRIFIED: JERRY Wait. We’re all washing our hands...

Urchatz

Wash Your Hands song

by Dvora Ferrell

I Want to Wash My Hands to the tune of “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles Oh yeah, I’ll tell you something It’s one of God’s commands When you start the Seder You need to wash your hands You need to wash your hands You need to wash your hands Oh my what a feeling Before the paschal lamb And yes it’s appealing I want to wash my hands I want to wash my hands I want to...

Karpas

Seinfeld Karpas

by Dave Cowen

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT ELAINE Now do we eat? I’m starving. KRAMER Sort of. Next up is the Karpas. Who wants to do the Karpas? Yael? George's love interest Yael replies: YAEL I’d be honored. For the Karpas, we dip fresh green vegetables into bitter, salty water. It symbolizes the celebration of a painful moment in Jewish history, by combining a metaphor of tears and slavery, the salt water, with one of spring and rebirth, the green vegetable, in this case, the...

More clips from Kayli Pierson

-- Ten Plagues

by Kayli Pierson

FIRST PLAGUE AS REPORTED ON TWITTER by Jacob Richman, http://www.jr.co.il/humor/pass72.htm CNN-Alerts: Egyptian water turns to blood Jewish-Press: G-d sends first plague onto Egypt BBC-Alerts: Egyptian officials say there is no problem. Egypt-Ministry-of-Health: Temporary problem with the water supply Egypt-Opposition: Do not drink the water Muhamed-the-Egyptian: What the #%&!? Jacob-the-Jew: What water problem?? Hamas-Guy: Tastes great, less filling Pharo-the-Great: Anyone see that Moses dude? Obama-Man: Give the negotiations a chance Hillary-Clinton: This directed assault is an insult to the United States and...

Introduction

Passover Themes

by Kayli Pierson

Passover is a holiday with many different themes. This breadth ensures that no two seders will ever be exactly alike and encourages each of us to engage equally, whether this is the first or hundredth seder you’ve attended. It also challenges each of us to connect to the seder on a personal, individual level. The themes offered are just a sampling, what other themes are you drawn to? Redemption: In the Exodus story, the Jews were redeemed physically from slavery. While...

-- Exodus Story

Matzah Humor

by Kayli Pierson