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Introduction

It is strictly prohibited for a Jew to own chametz (products of the five grains, wheat, barley, rye, spelt, oats) during the Pesach holiday. On the night before the first Seder, traditional Jews, after having cleaned their house thoroughly in the days and weeks beforehand, make a formal search for bread crumbs (that have been placed around the house immediately before the search), and then burn them along with any other leaven products the following morning, afterwards saying the "Kol Chamira," an Aramaic declaration that any other chametz that may have been missed shall be considered to be dust of the earth.

Republican Jews will have already hired an illegal immigrant (which in the holy language of Monsey Ir Hakodesh is known as a "goyta" or a "Spanish"), for less than the minimum wage to complete all the Pesach cleaning well before the night before the first Seder. On that night, they instead drive around looking for places where they think illegal immigrants might be residing.

Before beginning this search, they recite the following benediction.

Blessed be the Lord our God, ruler of the universe, who has sanctified us with his commandments and who has commanded us concerning the removal of illegal immigrants.

At the end of the search, they make the following declaration.

All immigrants from shithole countries that are living in my neighborhood, which I have not seen or acted to remove, shall be considered as though they were from Norway.

The next morning, before ten o'clock, Republican Jews make their traditional phone call to ICE to report any "immigrant-looking people" they may have seen the night before. After ICE has completed its raid, they make the declaration,

All immigrants from shithole countries that are living in my neighborhood, whether they are good hombres or bad hombres, whether they are legal or illegal, whether they have been deported or not, shall be considered as though they were from Norway.

Kadesh
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Kadesh

Kadesh
Republican Kiddush-Intro

The blessing over the first cup of wine is made before drinking it.

However, one cannot just use any wine. There is widespread agreement among Republican Jews that it is prohibited to use French wine or indeed, any foreign wine, for the four cups; more stringent opinions also prohibit the use of wine from the tumahdik state of California.

The truly stringent Republican Jews will only use wine from vineries where the grapes are picked by foreign guest workers.

Instead of reclining to the left while drinking the wine, Republican Jews of course recline to the right.

Kadesh

The Republican Kiddush text is as follows [bracketed text is only said if the seder falls on Friday night]

Praised are you, Hashem, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has chosen us from among all people, and languages, because no other subgroups have ever made any contributions to civilization, giving us lovingly [Shabbat for Tweetstorms,] festivals for joy, and special times for Making Judaism Great Again, this [social media outlet and this] Passover, the season where we finally start to win again, a holy convocation [given in front of a cable TV], to commemorate the Exodus from Egypt. You have chosen us, You have shared Your holiness with us among all other peoples. For with [Twitter and] festive revelations of Your holiness, happiness and joy You have granted us [lovingly] joyfully the holidays. Praised are you, Hashem, Who sanctifies [Twitter], Israel and the festivals.

Nirtzah

The Seder is now complete, according to the strictest regulations and statutes. May we merit to repeal these burdensome job-killing halakhot.

 Next year may the US recognize Jerusalem as the capital.