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It is strictly prohibited for a Jew to own chametz (products of the five grains, wheat, barley, rye, spelt, oats) during the Pesach holiday. On the night before the first Seder, traditional Jews, after having cleaned their house thoroughly in the days and weeks beforehand, make a formal search for bread crumbs (that have been placed around the house immediately before the search), and then burn them along with any other leaven products the following morning, afterwards saying the "Kol Chamira," an Aramaic declaration that any other chametz that may have been missed shall be considered to be dust of the earth.
Republican Jews will have already hired an illegal immigrant for less than the minimum wage to complete all the Pesach cleaning well before the night before the first Seder. On that night, they instead drive around looking for places where they think illegal immigrants might be residing.
Before beginning this search, they recite the following benediction.
Blessed be the Lord our God, ruler of the universe, who has sanctified us with his commandments and who has commanded us concerning the removal of illegal immigrants.
At the end of the search, they make the following declaration.
All immigrants that are living in my neighborhood, which I have not seen or acted to remove, shall be considered to be from Norway.
The next morning, before ten o'clock, Republican Jews make their traditional phone call to ICE to report any immigrant-looking people they may have seen the night before. After ICE has completed its raid, they make the declaration,
All immigrants that are living in my neighborhood, whether they are good hombres or bad hombres, whether they are legal or illegal, whether they have been deported or not, shall be considered to be from Norway.
Like the traditional Seder Plate, the Republican Seder plate is fraught with symbolism. Beginning with the Big Gulp and going clockwise, the Republican Seder plate is set up as follows:
- Big Gulp-In honor of our freedom, Republicans believe one should consume at least a ke'diabetes of soda at a time, especially if one is in Mississippi.
- Fracking Water- The water byproduct of hydraulic fracturing is included on the Seder plate as an indicator that Republican Jews see no problems with drinking it. Note: Republican Jews should not, G-d forbid, actually drink the fracking water; instead, a "Seder goy" should be found to perform this task. Remember, any complications they suffer can be handled by their primary care doctor at the local emergency room.
- Aborted Fetus-To remind us of the dangers of Planned Parenthood and their Abortionplexes.
- Trump Steak-Must be cooked extremely well done, or the Seder plate will be sent back.
- Ketchup-To remind us that in the days of the Messiah, we will once again be able to eat our well-done Trump steaks with ketchup as only the classiest of people can ever hope to do. The red color of the ketchup is also a reminder of what Megyn Kelly has done to us.
- Borscht-To honor Vladimir Putin, peace be upon him.
The blessing over the first cup of wine is made before drinking it.
However, one cannot just use any wine. There is widespread agreement among Republican Jews that it is prohibited to use French wine or indeed, any foreign wine, for the four cups; more stringent opinions also prohibit the use of wine from the tumahdik state of California.
The truly stringent Republican Jews will only use wine from vineries where the grapes are picked by foreign guest workers.
Instead of reclining to the left while drinking the wine, Republican Jews of course recline to the right.
The Republican Kiddush text is as follows [bracketed text is only said if the seder falls on Friday night]
Praised are you, Hashem, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has chosen us from among all people, and languages, because no other subgroups have ever made any contributions to civilization, giving us lovingly [Shabbat for Tweetstorms,] festivals for joy, and special times for Making Judaism Great Again, this [social media outlet and this] Passover, the season where we finally start to win again, a holy convocation [given in front of a cable TV], to commemorate the Exodus from Egypt. You have chosen us, You have shared Your holiness with us among all other peoples. For with [Twitter and] festive revelations of Your holiness, happiness and joy You have granted us [lovingly] joyfully the holidays. Praised are you, Hashem, Who sanctifies [Twitter], Israel and the festivals.
Not only (as is traditional) is no blessing said (because we are not about to eat bread) during this washing of the hands, Republican Jews do not bother to get up to wash. Instead they wait for the water to trickle down to them.
Traditional Jews dip a green vegetable (such as parsley or lettuce) in salt water, although some Jews have a custom of dipping a potato.
Republican Jews follow the ruling of the Rabbi Ronald Reagan that ketchup qualifies as a vegetable. Ketchup is (usually) not green, but green is the last thing any Republican would want to be. Some Republican Jews also dip a potatoe.
Most Jews break the middle matzah into two roughly equal pieces, replacing the smaller piece on the Seder plate and hiding the larger piece as the afikomen. At Republican Jewish seders, the leader (or in Republican parlance, the Seder CEO) keeps 99 percent of the matzah for himself and lets the other participants share the remaining 1 percent.
The Seder CEO lifts the matzahs and recites:
"At more than 20 dollars a pound, this is the bread of the job creator . Let all who are hungry be declared ineligible for Food Stamps. Let all who are needy suck it up. This year we are in America. Next year may we demagogue Israel to all get-out. This year we are slaves to the income tax. May next year be entirely tax-free."
The child with the largest trust fund asks the Four Questions:
Why is this night different from all other nights?
On all other nights we eat food picked and processed by illegal immigrants that take jobs away from real Americans. Why on this night is our matzah watched in the field by old Russian ladies?
On all other nights we eat all sorts of vegetables except arugula; after all, we're not elitist organic-loving hippies. Why on this night do we eat only bitter herbs (maror).
On all other nights we only dip once. Why do the Democrats want us to dip into the funds of hard-working coal miners and single moms in Detroit to fund PBS?
On all other nights we eat in whatever position we like, sitting up or leaning. Why on this night do we lean even farther to the right than usual?
The Seder CEO and other attendees then answer:
We were slaves to Pharoah in Egypt, where we built him the pyramids to store grain. When God brought us out of there with a mighty hand and outstretched arm, we didn't hold onto the plantation mentality. If the Holy One Blessed Be He, had not brought our ancestors out of Egypt, we'd still be slaves to the Pharaohs in Egypt because private property rights are sacrosanct, except of course when it comes to building a wall. Since God knows we're not wise or knowledgeable or familiar with constitutional law, it's required that we tell the story of how we left Egypt.
It is related that Donald Trump was up one night wandering aimlessly around the White House in a bathrobe until morning, when Reince Priebus came in and said, "Master, the time has come for watching Steve Doocy on Fox and Friends."
Donald Trump once said "I am a seventy year old man, and all the days of my life I live in fear of having to go before the Obama death panels." Steve Bannon explains that "all the days of my life" refers to the fact that the death panel brigades may even fly to your house in their black helicopters and break down your door at night. The Republican House leadership, however, say this refers to the fact that the Democrat party sheep saw Obama's election as the beginning of the times of the Messiah. Sad!
Blessed be the Omnipotent Invisible hand of the free market.
The story of the four Trump children is told.
There are four Trump Children that are not considered "off limits."
The wise child, Ivanka Trump, what does she say?
"It is a terrible thing that we are the only industrialized nation in the world that does not offer paid maternity leave and I am excited to be part of a dialogue about this and, hopefully under a Trump administration, have that changed."
You should say to her that this is not so, as
"If you're an older man, I think you can generally say you're not going to need maternity care,"
The wicked child, Donald Trump Jr., what does he say?
“They’ve let her slide on every indiscrepancy, on every lie, on every DNC game trying to get Bernie Sanders out of this thing. If Republicans were doing that, they’d be warming up the gas chamber right now.”
You should say to him that
“Everyone’s suffering [in] the Holocaust including obviously all of the Jewish people affected and miserable genocide that occurs — it’s something that we consider to be extraordinarily sad,"
The simple child, Eric Trump, what does he say?
"Ivanka is a strong, powerful woman. She wouldn’t allow herself to be subjected to [sexual harassment]"
You should respond to him that
I’ve got to use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. I just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.
Tiffany Trump, who does not know how to win her father's affections and love. Rather than expose her to unnecessary surgical procedures, you should give her a long-winded answer that, upon inspection, turns out to be complete gibberish and nonsense.
One could have thought that Obamacare would be repealed on day one of the Trump administration , as it is said,
"On day one of the Trump Administration, we will ask Congress to immediately deliver a full repeal of Obamacare."
However, the gematria of Congress (קונגרס) is the same as the gematria for meshuga (משוגע). From this, we learn that Obamacare will not be repealed as long as meshuggeneh Freedom Caucus remains in our midst.
In the beginning of our time in America our forefathers served the idols of socialism but now the GOP has brought us close to its service. As it is said, "Your forefathers used to live on the other side of the river in the Lower East Side, and they voted for Socialists for Congress."
And after 40 years in Chris Christie's George Washington Bridge traffic jam, I took your ancestors to the other side of the Hudson, and I led them throughout New Jersey, from Teaneck to Lakewood.
Blessed is he that calculated the end of our bondage under the oppressive Obama regime, as God said to Abraham, "Your seed will be enslaved by oppressive regulations and will suffer for four more years. But I will also cause the Dow Jones Industrial Average to reach record levels and you will end up with great wealth.
Raise the cup of wine and say:
This is what has stood by our fathers and us! For not just one Democrat alone has risen against us to destroy us. From Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who didn't bomb the railway lines to the death camps. To John F. Kennedy, who destroyed the hat industry, making men dress immodestly. To Jimmy Carter, the rasha [evil man], about whom no more need be said. To Bill Clinton, who defiled our precious daughters of Israel! To the Kenyan Muslim Hussein Obama and even unto Crooked Hillary, in every generation they rise against us to destroy us, and the Holy One, blessed be He, saves us from their hands.
We begin with discussion of what happened to Dinah.
Come and learn what really happened to Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, after they escaped the attempted destruction of the family by Lavan. As it says,
"And Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, the prince of the land, saw her; and he took her, and lay with her, and humbled her."
"And Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, the prince of the land, saw her" She did something to catch his eye. As it says, "And Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land." Therefore, having gone out for some girl time, she was not doing her best to avoid getting raped and was pretty much asking for it.
"and he took her, and lay with her, and humbled her." As it was taught (Pirkei d'Rabbi Eliezer 38),
"Dina came out to see the young ladies, and [Shechem son of Hamor] caught her and slept with her and she conceived and bore Asenath."
We infer from this that Dina was not legitimately raped, because, as Todd Akin says, "If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."
The story continues:
It is said of King David about Bathsheba that he
"moved on her like a bitch ... I did try and fuck her. She was married. " (Two Kings 3:04)
From where do we learn that, far from being a grievous sinner, King David was a tzadik (righteous man). As it is taught in a baraita:
"When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy."
And although there is no proof of the matter (in the Bible), there is an allusion to the matter. As the verse says,
דִּשַּׁנתָּ בַשֶּׁמֶן רֹאשִׁי כּוֹסִי רְוָיָה״" (anoint my head with oil, my cup is abundant) (Psalms 23:5)
Do not read it as כּוֹסִי, but as כּוּסִי (pussy) [so it becomes "anoint my 'head' with oil, pussy is abundant."]
The Republican Torah tells us:
And Trump brought us out of our exile [from power] with tiny hands, and arms outstretched to Russia, and with great fear, and with Tweets, and with Steves.
An explanation of this verse: tiny hands - two, arms outstretched to Russia - two, great fear - two, Tweets - two, Steves - two. These are the ten plagues which the Democrats, may their names and memories be erased, brought down upon us.
After reciting each plague, a drop of Trump wine should be removed from one's glass with one's finger.
- Blood coming out of her wherever. Or anything coming out of a nasty woman, it's all disgusting. After all, classy women don't have bodily functions.
- A plague of Pepe the Frogs harassing Jews and people of color on the Internet. We know this is the Democrats because Democrats are the real racists!
- Lies from crooked Hillary. Thank God for Wikileaks!
- Wild animals, hunted down by Donald Jr. and Eric. They're with Cecil and Harambe of blessed memory now.
- The white nationalist sickness infecting the Republican elephant, which fortunately didn't kill it.
- The ebola virus that Donald Trump kept out of our borders.
- Richard Spencer's "Hail Trump."
- Little Marco may have tried to dispel with the fiction that illegal immigrants are like a plague of locusts. But in fact, they are exactly like a plague of locusts!
- The darkness that ensued when the Trump administration couldn't figure out where the light switches were. Thanks, Obama!
- Death of the first major policy initiative, which was entirely the fault of the Democrats.
Rabbi Yose the Galilean, said: How can you assert that the Egyptians were smitten with ten plagues in Egypt, and at the Red Sea they were struck with fifty plagues. That's fuzzy math!
Rabbi Eliezer responded: We have our own set of alternative facts which confirm this.
Traditional Jews sing "Dayenu" (Enough [for us]) to thank God for all that He did for them, noting that even if he'd just done one thing, but not the next, it would have been enough. Republican Jews, on the other hand, sing "Yoter MiDai" (Too much!!), recounting all that Donald Trump has done that should have been disqualifying, and then happily recount that they've stood by him anyway.
If he had only brought the "birther" campaign into the mainstream, that should have already been too much.
If he had only called Mexican immigrants rapists, justifying it by saying "somebody's doing the raping," that should have already been too much.
If he had only disparaged John McCain's service by saying "I like heroes who weren't captured," that should have already been too much.
If he had only called for a "total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on," that should have already been too much.'
If he had only retweeted WhiteGenocideTM multiple times, that should have already been too much,
If he had only shown complete contempt for freedom of the press with reporter bans and calls to open up libel laws, that should have already been too much,
If he had only urged his supporters to beat the crap out of protestors at his rallies, that should have already been too much,
If he had only claimed Judge Gonzalo Curiel had an inherent conflict of interest because of his "heritage," that should have already been too much
If he had only refused to immediately condemn David Duke, that should have already been too much,
If he had only accused Ted Cruz's dad of being involved in the Kennedy assassination, that should have already been too much,
If had only refused to release his tax returns like every other candidate, that should have already been too much.
If he had only refused to condemn anti-Semitic attacks on journalists, that should have already been too much,
If he had only made vicious attacks on the Gold Star Khan family, that should have already been too much,
If he had only regularly praised dictators like Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong-Un and Recep Tayyip Erdogan, that should have already been too much,
If he had only urged voters to "check out sex tape" of a Miss Universe contestant he'd called "Miss Piggy" and "Miss Housekeeping", that should have already been too much,
If he had only hired white-nationalist fellow travelers Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, that should have already been too much,
If he had only pledged to jail his opponent if elected, that should have already been too much,
If he had only sexually assaulted woman by grabbing them by the pussy, that should have already been too much.
If he had only refused transparency on the extensive Russia dealings of his associates, that should have already been too much.
If he had only bungled his first two major policy initiatives of the Muslim ban and Obamacare repeal and replace, that should have already been too much.
But he's done all this and so much, much, much more, and we are still sticking with him.
Rabbi Rick Perry said, those who become president and do not eliminate three departments have not fulfilled their duty, namely Education, Commerce, and ... he can't remember the third one. The Sages said the third department is the Department of Energy, noting that Rick Perry was chosen to lead said department. However, Acherim say that above all we must eliminate the job-killing EPA.
The Department of Education, why do we cut it? Because only a snob like President Obama believes everybody ought to go to college.
The Department of Commerce, why do we cut it? Because it contains the Census Bureau, and who trusts the Acorn thugs with that kind of information.
As for the Department of Energy, we cut it so that we may, as it says, "drill, baby, drill."
In every generation, it is required for true red-blooded Americans to deny that their ancestors ever left the land of intolerance and poverty to immigrate to the United States.
One washes their hands again, this time with a blessing since bread (or rather, matza) will be eaten.
May it be your will before us, Hashem our God and God of our ancestors, to eliminate the restrictive government requirements that employees wash their hands with soap after using the bathroom.
Blessed are you, Hashem our God, ruler of the universe, who has sanctified us with His commandments and has commanded us concerning washing our hands.
Many Republican Jews have a custom to dye the water golden, so that blessings from Heaven may shower down on them.
Republican Jews are certain that the best matzos are made in Trump Tower Grill.
Blessed are you, Hashem our God, ruler of the universe, who has brought forth bread from the earth; as for the poor, let them eat minei mizonot
After making the blessing, one dips the maror into the charoset and eats it to remember the bitterness of Democrat social spending.
Traditional Jews make a sandwich of matza and maror in honor of the custom of Rabbi Hillel in the times of the Holy Temple. If the Seder does not fall on a Sunday, Republican Jews add chicken to the sandwich in honor of the steadfastness of the Chick-Fil-A corporation, inventors of the chicken sandwich, in opposing toeiva marriage. On Sundays, in honor of Chick-Fil-A being closed, this part of the Seder is skipped.
The meal. Strict Republicans have a custom to buy and use only completely unprocessed foods for the Seder to avoid the big government intrusion of the USDA.
In traditional Jewish homes, the children search room to room for hidden piece of matzah known as the afikomen, usually being allowed to bargain for a reward after having found it.
Republican Jews, however, search room to room in the vain hope of finding some healthcare legislation that can actually pass the House. It is a very strict rule that the healthcare legislation be found within the first 64 days, or Obamacare repeal will never happen.
This portion of the Seder consists of the Birkat Hamazon, the blessing after the meal. The blessing generally begins with the zimun, the formal invitation to one's fellow diners to say the blessing. In traditional Judaism, this is done only if three or more adult males (or three or more adult females and no males) are present. Republican Jews believe that if the meal was eaten on corporate property, one may count the corporation as one of the three, because, as it said,
"corporations are people, my friend"
and you, your friend, and the corporation make three. However, if one is including a corporation, one must be sure to say ברשות איחוד האזרחים נברך אלוקנו שאכלנו משלו (with the permission of Citizens United we will bless our Lord from whose food we have eaten).
Blessed are you, Hashem our God, Ruler of the Universe, who nourishes the entire world, with grace, kindness and mercy. He gives nourishment to all flesh, so we can feel good about steep cuts in food stamps, because Paul Ryan's presidential aspirations are eternal. And through his goodness, nourishment has never been lacking us, and will never be lacking us, unless we are senior citizens dependent on Meals on Wheels. For the sake of His name, because He is the God who cuts nourishment for all, and benefits for all, and prepares sumptuous dinners at Mar-A-Lago. Blessed are you, Hashem, who nourishes all who deserve to eat.
Traditional Jews pour a cup and open the door in the hopes of greeting the Prophet Elijah, whose arrival we presage the coming of the Messiah.
Republican Jews pour a cup of Merlot in the hopes of attracting back former Speaker John Boehner to save them from the unprecedented dysfunction they themselves have created.
After opening the door, they recite:
Pour out your wrath upon the nations that President Trump has managed to get into a fight with, be it Mexico or Australia or China or Canada or really, any nation but fair Mother Russia. For they have devoured our trade surplus and destroyed our manufacturing sector.
Traditional Jews recite the most joyous chapters of Psalms in honor of Yom Tov. Republican Jews, however, find it more meaningful to recite specific verses of Lamentations (Eicha), instead.
It begins with a poignant reference to the terrible state in which Obama and the Democrat party have left America.
Alas, lonely sits the "inner city" once full of people. She that was great among nations has become weak. The greatest nation never wins anymore. (Republican Eicha 1:1)
Further on, it recalls Megyn Kelly.
Her uncleanness is coming out of here wherever. She gave no thought to her future; She has sunk appallingly, With none to comfort her.— See, O LORD, my misery; How the Donald jeers! (Republican Eicha 1:9)
and the Democrat party's love affair with illegal immigrants.
The foe has laid hands On everything dear to her. She has seen her Sanctuary cities Invaded by illegal immigrants Which have denied admission to ICE.
but after all this death and destruction, ends on a happy note:
חַדֵּשׁ יָמֵינוּ כְּקֶֽדֶם (Make America Great Again!)
The Seder is now complete, according to the strictest regulations and statutes. May we merit to repeal these burdensome job-killing halakhot.
Next year may the US recognize Jerusalem as the capital.
Traditional Jews sing "Adir Hu," recounting the greatness of God and hoping that the Temple in Jerusalem will be rebuilt soon. Republican Jews do something just a little bit different.
Trump has mighty hands, Trump has mighty hands,
May he soon Build The Wall,
Speedily, speedily and in our days, soon.
Donald, build, Donald build,
Build the wall with Mexico!
He is distinguished, He is great, He is exalted
He is glorious, He is faithful, He is faultless, He is righteous
He is pure, He is unique, He is powerful
He is wise, He is king, He is awesome
He is sublime, He is all-powerful, He is redeemer, He is all-righteous
He is holy, He is compassionate, He is almighty, He is omnipotent.
While the traditional "Who Knows One?" has a numerical example for all numbers from 1 to 13 (an auspicious number in Judaism), Republican Jews have noticed that counting and cardinality are integral parts of the nefarious Common Core, and choose to skip numbers at arbitrary intervals to confound the Satan.
Who knows one? I know one? One is Donald Trump, one is Donald Trump, one is Donald Trump, only he can fix it.
Who knows two? I know two? Two are the unfaithful electors, and one is Donald Trump, one is Donald Trump, one is Donald Trump, only he can fix it.
Who knows three? I know three? Three are the millions of illegal Democrat voters, and two are the unfaithful electors, and one is Donald Trump, one is Donald Trump, one is Donald Trump, only he can fix it.
Who knows six? I know six! Six are the Goldman Sachs alumni in the Trump administration, and three are the millions of illegal Democrat voters, and two are the unfaithful electors, and one is Donald Trump, one is Donald Trump, one is Donald Trump, only he can fix it.
Who knows seven? I know seven! Seven are the countries of the Muslim ban, and six are the Goldman Sachs alumni in the Trump administration, and three are the millions of illegal Democrat voters, and two are the unfaithful electors, and one is Donald Trump, one is Donald Trump, one is Donald Trump, only he can fix it.
Chad Gadya, Chad Gadya! Which my father bought for two zuzim. Chad gadya, Chad Gadya.
Then came the cat and ate the kid, which my father bought for two zuzim. Chad gadya, Chad Gadya
Then came Donald Trump and grabbed the 'cat' which ate the kid, which my father bought for two zuzim. Chad gadya, chad gadya
Then came the Women's March and grabbed Donald back who grabbed the 'cat' which at the kid, which my father bought for two zuzim. Chad gadya, chad gadya.
John Podhoretz, editor of Commentary and the New York Post:
"A witless parody of conservative thinking."
armchair conspirator, future Republican Governor:
"this is my haggadah"