The Two-Minute Haggadah: A Passover Service for the Impatient
By Michael Rubiner
This will come in handy for many people and may someday replace this entire Haggadah. Maybe it will even happen tonight, depending on the host and the seder leader.
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.
What’s up with the matzah?
What’s the deal with the horseradish?
What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
What’s this whole slouching at the table business?
When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread. (At this point, Stephen of his proxy will discuss McDonald’s.)
Life was bitter, like horseradish.
It’s called symboslim.
Free people get to slouch.
The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child – explain Passover.
Simple child – explain Passover slowly.
Silent child – explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child – browbeat in front of the relatives.
Speaking of children: We hid some matzah. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.
The story of Passover: It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzo. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander for 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood, frogs, lice – you name it!
The singing of “Dayenu”:
If God hadn’t gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies it would have been enough. If He had punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would have been enough.
If He’d parted the Red Sea, it would have teen enough. (Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)
Eat matzah. Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks again, God, for everything.
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