The Ten Plagues

Source: For This We Left Egypt?

Moses asked the Pharaoh to free the Israelites, but the Pharaoh refused because he was a schmuck. So God brought ten plagues upon Egypt, and each time, the Pharaoh got scared and promised to free the Israelites. But, he did not, because in addition to being a schmuck, he had the IQ of a glazed doughnut. It was only after the tenth and scariest plague that it finally dawned on his tiny Pharaoh brain that unless he wanted God to turn the entire Egyptian population into sea urchins or something, he’d better let the Israelites go.

We fill our cups with a meh wine that we do not mind spilling to remember how happy we were when this happened. But, we are not totally happy, because we are Jewish, and thus we can never be truly happy except when the Knicks win the title. Also we feel a little bad for the Egyptians, because it’s not like they had a democracy and said, “Hey, let’s elect a moron to be the Pharaoh!” So instead of drinking all the wine or even a nice martini right now, we dip our fingers into our cups and spatter wine droplets all over a perfectly good tablecloth, which will have to be dry-cleaned – but go ahead, it’s fine – as we say the names of the plagues: Blood, locusts, frogs, lice, boils, humidity, nervousness, Jerry Lewis, gluten, constipation.

[Commentary from Judy Feder. In the election of 2016, the people of the United States, who lived – at least at that time – in a democracy, elected an evil moron to be president. But, not all of them elected him; in fact, not even half of the people voted for him. We feel bad for the people who didn’t vote for the evil, moron president, so now as then, we do not drink all the wine or enjoy a nice martini, or pina colada, or whatever.]

haggadah Section: -- Ten Plagues
Source: For This We Left Egypt?