Pharaoh / REGINA GEORGE
“ARMY OF SKANKS”
Slave / SKANK 1
Slave / SKANK 2
Slave / SKANK 3
Slave / SKANK 4
Slave / SKANK 5
Slave / SKANK 6
Slave / SKANK 7
Princess / GRETCHEN WEINERS
Princess’s Attendant / KAREN SMITH
Miriam / DAMIAN LEIGH
God / MS. NORBURY
Moses / CADY HERON
Aaron / JANIS IAN
NARRATOR 1: The story of Moses has been told and retold. It is a reminder to the Jewish people – and to all of us – that once we were all the new girl in school, the homeschooled jungle freak, but now we’re all Spring Fling queens. We once thought joining the mathletes was social suicide, but now we all have our state championship letter jackets. In our times of despair, it is important for us to remember that the limit does not exist.
And so, this year, as in all years before, for generation upon generation, for junior class upon junior class, we tell the story of Passover. Now, I invite you to relax, put on your PJs, pull out your burn book, and listen to this tale. We begin at Egypt’s North Shore High School...
PHARAOH: Yes, I’ll have one order of cheese fries, with a Diet Pepsi. And Super Size it. I’m on an all Carb diet now. God, Karen you’re so stupid.
SLAVE 1: Yes, your highness.
SLAVE 2: Wow. Pharoah is flawless! He has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus.
SLAVE 3: I hear his hair's insured for $10,000.
SLAVE 4: I hear he does car commercials... in Japan.
SLAVE 5: One time, he met John Stamos on a plane and he told him he was pretty.
SLAVE 6: One time, he punched me in the face. It was awesome.
PHARAOH: *eye roll*
SLAVE 7: Wow, what a massive group of Hebrew slaves you have! Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.
PHARAOH: Ugh are there really that many Hebrews here now?!
SLAVE 7: Soooo....what is up with everyone? What’s the 411? What has everybody been up to? What's the hot gossip? Tell me everything. What have you guys been listening to? What are the cool jams?
PHARAOH: Leave, slave. I must think. This is not good. We have way too many losers of this strange culture walking the halls – er, streets.
They are not Plastics; how do I know that in time of war they might not turn against us and talk behind our backs? Irregardless, I must find a way to get rid of these losers.
HERALD: Hear ye, hear ye. It is hearby decreed by Pharaoh, Queen Bee of the Plastics, that any new Hebrews at North Shore High School be forced to join the Mathletes.
YOCHEVED: There is no way that I will let Pharaoh make my baby commit social suicide. I have to hide him.
NARRATOR 2: Yocheved put her baby into the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe, and hid it in the reeds by the river. She sent her young daughter Miriam to hide nearby and watch. Soon, the Plastics came down to the water to bathe.
PRINCESS: What is this? He’s like really pretty.
PRINCESS’S FRIEND: It appears to be a new kid.
PRINCESS: A baby? I heard he’s from Africa.
PRINCESS’S FRIEND: Wait… then why is he White?
PRINCESS: Karen, you can’t just ask someone why they’re white
PRINCESS’S FRIEND: Oh.
PRINCESS: Pick it up!
PRINCESS’S FRIEND: Okay.
PRINCESS: Isn’t it cute? Let’s invite him to sit with us at lunch.
PRINCESS’S FRIEND: Grool.
MIRIAM: We can’t have Moses becoming a full Plastic, he should feel connected to the Jewish people he comes from. Now that he’s within the palace walls, we’ll get close to him and crack the Princess. We crack the Princess, and then we crack the lock on Pharaoh's whole dirty history and maybe he will work the slaves less hard.
AARON: Say crack again.
NARRATOR 1: And so Yocheved’s son, Moses, grew up as the Pharaoh’s adopted clone, with all the riches and prestige that such a position entailed. But still, Moses felt great pity for the army of skanks-slash-enslaved Jews. One day, he came across an Egyptian mocking a slave for wearing army pants and flip flops. With a heart filled with rage, Moses attacked the guard and then he, too, began wearing army pants and flip flops. Of course, by doing so he was breaking like, the rules of feminism, and would have to face Pharaoh as a consequence. So, he ran away from the Plastics to the Back Building and became a shepherd.
NARRATOR 2: One morning before class, one of Moses’ sheep strayed from the pack.
SHEEP: I’m a sheep. Duh.
NARRATOR 2: Moses followed the sheep all the way to the Projection Room above the Auditorium and came across a bush that was burning, but not being consumed. He turned to look at it, and God called out to him.
GOD: I am God and I have seen the pain of the enslaved Jews in Egypt. It’s like I have ESPN or something... I have come to deliver the Jews out of the hands of the Egyptians and that Pharaoh, and to bring them out of Egypt to a better place flowing with milk and honey. And now, I will send you to Pharaoh so that you can deliver My people to the promised land.
MOSES: WAIT. Why do I have to do it? Do you know how mean Pharaoh really is? Two years ago he told me hoop earrings were his thing, and I wasn’t allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hanukkah my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn’t even like them. It was so sad.
GOD: I will be with you.
MOSES: What should I tell the people? When they ask who sent me, what should I say? What is your name even?
GOD: ‘I AM THAT I AM’; Tell everyone and they will listen to you. All of them – the Freshmen, ROTC Guys, preps, JV jocks, Asian nerds, cool Asians, varsity jocks, unfriendly Black hotties, girls who eat their feelings, girls who don't eat anything, desperate wannabes, burnouts, sexually active band geeks, and most especially, the king of Egypt himself and his Plastics. I mean, Why should Pharaoh get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What’s so great about Pharaoh? Hmm? I am just as cute as Pharaoh. I am just as smart as Pharaoh. People totally like me just as much as they like Pharaoh. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what Egypt is about. We should totally just stab Pharaoh!
GOD: And I know that Pharaoh will not let you leave, except by a mighty hand. Or bus. And I will put forth my hand and all of my godly high school pettiness. And after that he will let you go.
MOSES: God, please. I can’t do it! Can you send someone else?
GOD: What about Aaron? I know that he can speak well. Tell him about me, and put the words in his mouth. I will teach you what you should do.
NARRATOR 2: And so Moses went to the full Junior class, asked how many of them had personally been victimized by Pharoah, and convinced them that God had spoken to him. He then went to the Pharaoh and told Aaron what to say.
AARON: Listen up, Pharaoh! We are here to demand, in the name of a really bitchin’ God, that you release the Hebrew people from slavery.
PHARAOH: Cute, guys. Good show, good show. So, Aaron and Moses, back after all of these years to bring shame on yourself? I like invented you, you know.
AARON: You cared for my brother Moses for many years. At one time, he loved you as a friend. Like cold, hard, shiny plastic. But he is the son of a Hebrew slave. Does that mean anything to you?! If you love him, you will let our people go.
PHARAOH’S SON: Damn. Who are you?! I'd rather see you up there shakin' that thang.
AARON: I am Aaron, Moses’ brother. *eyeroll* God! I am so sorry Pharoah. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big *lesbian* crush on you! If you do not release us, then I’m sure God, the inventor of toaster strudel, would not be too pleased to hear about this.
NARRATOR 1: God sent many plagues to Egypt. She turned the water in the Nile to blood, she sent a plague of frogs, she sent lice and flies, and she made it really humid outside every day so everyone’s hair looked like shit.
PHARAOH’S SON: Damn Africa, what happened?!
AARON: Now will you let my people go?
PHARAOH: Oh my god I love your skirt where did you get it?
AARON: So you’ll let our people go?
PHARAOH: Of course not. That is the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.
AARON: Boo, you whore.
NARRATOR 1: Plague after plague fell on Egypt. Cattle illness, boils, hail and locusts. Remarkably, the plagues only touched the Egyptians. The Hebrew slaves were safe under their big hair full of secrets.
AARON: Pharaoh, we don’t know what else we can do to make you see that eventually you’ll have to give in. God told Moses that the next plague will kill the firstborn of every Egyptian household, including your baby prostitute. Pharaoh, don’t let this happen. Let my people go!
PHARAOH: I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm popular. I do not know your god, and I will not let your people go. Get out of my house! Get out!
NARRATOR 2: God came to Moses and had him tell the Jewish people to slay a lamb and mark their doors with its blood. Then, the Angel of Death, or maybe just that weird goth kid from math class, flew over Egypt. He took the lives of all the firstborn, except for those in the homes marked with blood. (Okay, DEFINITELY that creepy goth kid…..) It was devastating! The people of Egypt were saddened and horrified.
Ten Plagues Rock
Ten plagues ten plagues ten plagues rock
Ten to make you cry and ten to make you hop
Blood, Frogs, Gnats, Wild Animals, Dead Cows, *slap*
Now the plagues have just begun!
Ten plagues ten plagues ten plagues rock
Ten to make you cry and ten to make you hop
Boils, and fire hail, locusts and Darkness
Don’t forget death of the First Born.
What a blight time, it’s a fright time
To rock the night away
Ten plague time is sweltering time
To go hiding in your home all day
Hey have you noticed that the Jews are alright?
Ten plagues around the clock
Call up the Pharaoh and make it all stop
That’s the Ten Plagues
That’s the Ten Plagues
That’s the Ten Plagues Rock
AARON: Pharaoh, we are sorry for your loss. We’re sorry we laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Noble. And we’re sorry for telling everyone about it. And we’re sorry for repeating it now.
PHARAOH: Go away! Go away and leave me to my grief! Do you know what everyone says about you Moses? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, who's a less hot version of me! Yeah! So don't try to act so innocent!
AARON: Look, I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy. But now that you have seen how powerful God is, will you let my people go?
PHARAOH: Why are you so obsessed with me?! Fine. Just go. Just….sob…just go. Fugly sluts.
NARRATOR 1: In our seder, we fill our wine up to remember our joy in being able to escape the Plastics and leave Egypt. Yet our happiness is not complete, because the Egyptians suffered from the plagues, and eventually were killed so that we could be free. Therefore, we spill a drop of wine from our cups as we say each plague.
ALL: BLOOD, FROGS, LICE, BEASTS, CATTLE DISEASE, BOILS, HAIL, LOCUSTS, DARKNESS, PLAGUE OF THE FIRSTBORN
AARON: Remember this day, October 3rd, in which you came out from Egypt and out of the house of bondage. God has brought you from this place, and she will lead you to the Promised Land. Henceforth, this will be the one night of the year when you can dress like a slut and no other girls can say anything about it.
MOSES: We must go quickly before Pharaoh changes his mind.
MIRIAM: Moses, we won’t have time to butter the muffins!
AARON: It doesn’t matter, we have to go.
PHARAOH: I have just let my skanks all go. This is not good for the people of Egypt. All that my fathers have worked for will vanish if I lose the Hebrew slaves. Who will build the pyramids? Who will build the cities? Who will I write about in the Burn Book? The entire economy of Egypt will collapse without the Hebrews. It will be the end of an empire. I WANT MY SKANKS BACK.
HERALD: All soldiers and warriors – get your swords and armor. Saddle your horses. Get in losers, we’re going after them!
MIRIAM: Look! The Egyptians are coming! They will kill us all! Moses, DO SOMETHING!
MOSES: Do not be afraid. God has provided for us up to now, and she will continue to do so. I cannot say anything else until I have a parent or lawyer present.
GOD: Lift up your rod and stretch out your hand over the sea, and divide it; and the children of Israel shall walk through the sea on dry land. And there's nothing to break your focus, because not one of those Egyptian soldier boys is cute.
NARRATOR 2: Moses stretched out his staff, and the children of Israel walked through the parted waters. When Pharaoh’s armies followed in pursuit, the waters closed in on them like a school bus and hit them all.
MOSES: We made it across the Red Sea! We are free! You know I've never been to this side before and when I think about how many people wanted this, and how many people cried over it and stuff, I mean, I think everybody looks great tonight. Look at Jessica Lopez, that dress is amazing. And Emma Gerber, that hair do must have taken hours and you look really pretty. So why is everybody stressing over this thing? I mean it's just plastic, it's really just... *breaks the crown* something to share. A piece for Gretchen Wieners, a partial Spring Fling Queen. A piece for Janis Ian and a piece for Regina George, she fractured her spine and she still looks like a rockstar, and some for everybody else.
MIRIAM: You know, it’s not really required of you to make a speech...
NARRATOR 1: And Miriam took a timbrel in her hand and began to sing Xtina’s “You Are Beautiful”; and all of the women went out after her with timbrels and danced. Then, the Hebrew people followed Moses toward the Promised Land. Finally, Girl World was at peace.
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