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"body": "<p>What makes today unlike every other day? Well, today you have to follow this new, awesome, Haggadah and wait your turn to ask your questions.</p>\n\n<p>It is also a day when we come together to remember those who suffered before us—suffered to bring us here to this promised land: Manhattan.</p>\n\n<p>Yes, tonight is about the Jews who made that exodus out of Egypt, but they are stand-ins for all those who have struggled to make a better life. All those who made a journey be it physical, intellectual, or philosophical are in their own ways Jews, as we see it.</p>\n\n<p>It is for this reason that the Haggadah, even in ancient times, began in Aramaic, the common language of the day, not in Hebrew. This was the custom so that all would be welcome, so that all could understand this important story. The Zohar, (everyone look hard at Catherine), also gives another reason that we read in our common tongue—the Zohar tells us that “G-d likes to hear His children recount the story of the Exodus.” And so, beginning tonight in our common tongue, English, we bypass the angels (who apparently only speak Hebrew) and tell G-d his favorite, once a year, special, bedtime story: Exodus.</p>\n\n<p>Luckily He is benevolent and He lets us drink… 'Cause it’s a long story.</p>\n\n<p>Anyway, the Jews, and everyone else it seems (other than the White Anglo Saxons), braved the hardships of slavery. They suffered in the service of an ungrateful master. They sweated it out in the desert, all to get us to this holy place, this land of never ending discussion. Manhattan.</p>\n\n<p>And it is true, all jokes aside, that this story belongs to all of us even if you interpret it differently. Tonight, we're in charge, but you are part of this story whoever you are. You can look at the Matzah and see hardship and at the empty chair of Elijah and see the good to come.</p>\n\n<p>So let us say, all together:</p>\n\n<p>Next year in the land of never ending discussion, be it Manhattan or Jerusalem, let us be there and eat together, as we remember those who made an exodus for us, so that we may be here.</p>\n",
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"body": "<p>We are lighting these candles now. Don’t interrupt if you’re a gentile. The Jewish day is starting and nobody likes to be interrupted during their morning routine. Morning you say? For we the traditionally sad the day begins in the evening. Much like vampires and Goth kids.</p>\n\n<p>In the Jewish tradition—this tradition—every ceremony starts with the lighting of the candles. We do this to remind us of our saintly duty as the chosen people and to remind the big man upstairs, G-d, of his professed eternal love for us, his chosen people.</p>\n\n<p>BLESSING OF THE CANDLES:</p>\n\n<p><strong>בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ לְהַדְלִיק נֵר שֶׁל [שַׁבָּת וְשֶׁל] יוֹם טוֹ</strong></p>\n\n<p>Baruch Atah Ado-nai, Elo-heinu Melech Ha-olam, Asher Kid’shanu B’mitzvotav V’tzivanu L’hadlik Ner Shel Yom Tov.</p>\n\n<p>Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the Universe, who has sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us that we kindle the Yom Tov (Holiday) lights.</p>\n",
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"body": "<p>We are the descendants of a people that were liberated from slavery. Through the experience of our exodus we learned many things that we can and should carry with us in this modern age-- there is oppression and suffering in the world but if the people are united and righteous the powers that oppress can be confronted and thus things can change.</p>\n\n<p>We Jews remember ourselves as having been slaves who rebelled against the existing order and freed ourselves from bondage. That process of liberation required us to believe it was possible to once again be free—to believe that change was possible and imminent. To successfully navigate the terrain of this revolutionary journey required that we as a people maintain a strong will and an alternative culture in the face of dehumanizing masters.</p>\n\n<p>Had there been no liberation, there would never have been a Jewish people—no Moses, no Isaiah, no Jesus, no Mohammed, no Freud, Marx or Trotsky, and certainly no Abbie Hoffman. Without this first freedom movement, this exodus of Passover, we would be without the philosophical, intellectual and political exoduses brought forward by the ancestors of those who ran from Pharoh’s lands.</p>\n\n<p>Every Jewish holiday (and most of the rituals) include wine. We will drink four cups of wine throughout the seder tonight (if we stick to non-revolutionary rules). With this first cup we drink to the spirit of liberation and revolutionary change and give thanks to G-d for carrying us out of Egypt and allowing us to come together tonight in this the promised land of the Jews, Manhattan.</p>\n\n<p>Blessing:</p>\n\n<p> <em>The following Seder is for a weeknight. (On Shabbat we add the words in parentheses)</em> </p>\n\n<p><strong>בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן</strong></p>\n\n<p> <em>Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, borei p'ri hagafen.</em> </p>\n\n<p>Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who has created the fruit of the vine.</p>\n\n<p> <em>On Saturday night include the following section:</em> </p>\n\n<p>בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא מְאוֹרֵי הָאֵשׁ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמַבְדִיל בֵּין קֹדֶשׁ לְחֹל, ין אוֹר לְחשֶׁךְ, בֵּין יִשְׂרָאֵל לָעַמִּים, בֵּין יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי לְשֵׁשֶׁת יְמֵי הַמַּעֲשֶׂה. בֵּין קְדֻשַּׁת שַׁבָּת לִקְדֻשַּׁת יוֹם טוֹב הִבְדַּלְתָּ, וְאֶת יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי מִשֵּׁשֶׁת יְמֵי הַמַּעֲשֶׂה קִדַּשְׁתָּ. הִבְדַּלְתָּ וְקִדַּשְׁתָּ אֶת עַמְּךָ יִשְׂרָאֵל בִּקְדֻשָּׁתֶךָ. ,בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי הַמַּבְדִיל בֵּין קֹדֶשׁ לְקֹדֶשׁ</p>\n\n<p>( <em>Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, borei m'orei ha-eish.</em> </p>\n\n<p> <em>Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, hamavdil bein kodesh l'chol bein or l'choshech, bein Yisrael la-amim, bein yom hashvi-i l'sheishet y'mei hama-aseh. Bein k'dushat shabat likdushat yom tov hivdalta. V'et-yom hashvi-i misheishet y'mei hama-aseh kidashta. Hivdalta v'kidashta et-am'cha yisra-eil bikdushatecha. Baruch atah Adonai, hamavdil bein kodesh l'kodesh.)</em> </p>\n\n<p>(Praised are You Adonai our God Lord of the universe who created the lights of fire.</p>\n\n<p>Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who makes a distinction between the holy and profane, light and darkness, Israel and the nations, Shabbat and the six workdays. You have made a distinction between the holiness of Shabbat and the holiness of the festival, and You have sanctified Shabbat above the six work-days. You have set apart and made holy Your people Israel with your holiness. Praised are you, Adonai, who distinguishes between degrees of sanctity.)</p>\n\n<p> <em>Say this Shehechiyanu blessing the first Seder night only:</em> </p>\n\n<p><strong>בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמַן הַזֶה</strong></p>\n\n<p> <em>Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam,<br />\nshe’hecheyanu v'ki'manu v'higi-anu laz'man hazeh.</em> </p>\n\n<p>Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe,<br />\nwho has sustained us, maintained us and enabled us to reach this moment in life.</p>\n\n<p>DRINK UP!</p>\n",
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"body": "<p>Whats on the table – table stuff.</p>\n\n<p>Maror – The bitter herbs are on the table to remind us that sh*t can be tough, life is filled with suffering as the second oldest jew told us….buddah. Slavery is after all the haught of suffering. More on that later.</p>\n\n<p>Charoset – Mom’s special recipe. It’s on the table to remind you that construction work stinks and because it resembles the mortar the jews used to build pharoh’s pyramids. It is sweet because remembering hard times gone by is sweet. </p>\n\n<p>Karpas – This parsley here is not parsley it is renewal rebirth and hope. It is the spring, the seed of liberty, it represents a fresh start, free from enslavement, for the jews and all of you… even you you gentile types (look at a gentile).</p>\n\n<p>Zeroah – This lamb bone represents the traditional sacrifices made at the great temple in Jerusalem on Passover, it's known as the Paschal Lamb... say it with me now, Paschal. And while saying it remember that being a jew isn’t free, the big man demands respect in the form of fresh baby lambs…keeps him, or her, happy.</p>\n\n<p>Beitzah – The egg… everyone has a different take on this. Birth? Death? Mourning for the fallen temple that they used to take eggs to…? A representation of the fallen first born of the Egyptians...? This one is up for debate.</p>\n\n<p>Matzah – Matzah is the Passover food. It’s the one you all probably know about. Its unleavened because we were rushed, we had to get the fuck out of Egypt before we could let our matzah turn into challah (or croissants).</p>\n\n<p>Elijah’s Cup – The fifth cup. (Show the cup). Elijah isn’t here now but we are saving a spot for him. The jews believe that when he comes so to will the messiah… and yes we are still waiting.</p>\n",
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"body": "<p>So it's a little convoluted and a lot of Hebrew and they seem to always leave out the fun part. That's a very rabbinical style... I don't know why, and as the part of the clique of wicked children I always used to ask why, when they were abridging this story for the Haggadah, did they leave out the cool part? But not tonight, this section is dedicated to the cool part.</p>\n\n<p>THE COOL PART:</p>\n\n<p>(Non-traditional Style)</p>\n\n<p>The jews were slaves (we can start late in the scene). They had a bad life building all of the Pharaoh’s architecture. Pharaoh wasn't cool. He wanted to have his matzah ball and eat it too. Even though we were already slaves at this point he got all shook (for you older folks that means scared, don't be afraid to ask). He was shook because there were a ton of us Jews in Egypt and he knew he was keeping us down and we might rebel. So, in his not-so-infinite wisdom, he decided to kill all newborn jewish boys—he thought he was gonna keep our strength low... If he had Google he would’ve found out about the Maccabees, Masada, and the Six Day War. But he didn't so he did what he did.</p>\n\n<p>Just as he was killing all our newborns this cat named Moses was born. Moses' Mom, Jochebed, for obvious reasons didn't want to loose her son, so rather than have him killed but some fool who looked like Mubarak she decided to put him in a basket and push him down the river—apparently they had better basket technology back then cause the basket floated—and thus Moses escaped being killed.</p>\n\n<p>Don't get the wrong idea about the Moses/Levi/Jochebed family. They were doing their best and Moses' aunt Miriam watched over him as he floated down the river.</p>\n\n<p>And here comes G-d, he is never far from this story. Moses floated right into an eddy in the river created by the refuse washed out of Pharaoh's daughter's bathwater. She wasn’t so bad, and was like, “Hey, here is this dope looking baby in this sick floating basket rolling right up to me.” She was understandably hyped (if you don't know the slang ask a friend, it's passover, we asking tonight) and so she took the baby in.</p>\n\n<p>Now remember Moses' aunt from like a paragraph ago? She rolled up on Pharaoh's daughter who was still mad hyped and was talking about keeping the baby and Miriam was like, “YO, I got a really good breast milk connect if you need.” Pharaoh's daughter was down since she didn't have any breast milk and so Miriam finagled this job as nurse to Moses. Miriam is cool and really should be a more popular name in the 2017-2020 period...</p>\n\n<p>So, cut ahead, Moses grows up in the lap of luxury as a prince of Egypt (imagine a Qatari Sheik and you'll get some idea). He had it all, but he never forgot where he came from, he knew he was a Jew because he was always uncomfortable with his sense of self, you know what I mean? If you don’t, check out a Woody Allen movie or a Phillip Roth book once in a while you comfortable, unquestioning gentile.</p>\n\n<p>And then, just like at the end of act one of your favorite movie, things went all sideways. Moses was rolling around Egypt, probably on a camel designed by Lamborghini, with a cheetah at the end of a chain, and he saw one of Pharoh's slave-overseer types (imagine Egyptian secret police circa 2011 here) beating a Jewish slave. Moses was not down, and he hopped of his Lambo-camel and squabbled with this overseer type. And since he was Maccabee-fit he put this character in his place.</p>\n\n<p>This did not turn out well for Moses who then had to bail from his cushy life in Egypt. Now cruising the the desert without his specially designed camel and without snacks, Moses was hard-up. And then it happened, he saw that thing, the thing that makes you change course, makes you lift yourself up. The thing was a burning bush. This bush was on fire, yes, but it wasn't being consumed by the fire, it was just like there, burning but not disappearing. That's a metaphor, YO! From the burning metaphor, the coolest type of metaphor, came a voice, the voice of G-d.</p>\n\n<p>G-d told Moses he was going the wrong way, that he had to go back to Egypt and free the Jews. Moses was unfortunately not down for this because despite his upbringing as a master of the universe he was a shy guy... Sorry, I left that out earlier but it was true. He had a lisp and sh*t and it doesn't sound heroic, so I left it out until now, but it turns out that's exactly why G-d wanted him. He was the perfect mouthpiece for G-d.</p>\n\n<p>Look, everyone has to overcome on passover—even Moishe. That's the thing...free yourself from bondage, overcome the lisp... But have no fear G-d is here.</p>\n\n<p>So, Moses turns back to Egypt. He rolls straight up to the Pharaoh's spot and stands in front of him and does his best Charlton Heston and he is like, “Let my people go.” And, shocker here, Pharaoh laughs at him and says \"No.\" Now G-d kinda takes over and speaks through Moses (G-d can handle the lisp and the stutter and Moses actually sounds pretty great) and he outlines the bad stuff that is going to befall the Pharaoh and his country if he keeps messing with the Jews. Shocker again, like most despots Pharaoh is unfazed and he he says “Try me.\"</p>\n\n<p>Thats when the plagues begin to go down. We are gonna go through them all in the next section so I wont double dip but they stink and they would even make a really robust economy with the benefit of slave labor like the U.S. or China's grind to a halt. And at the end of the ten plagues Pharaoh is totally wiped and he says, “Just take the Jews out of here for G-d's sake,” and the Jews with Moses in the lead bail with the quickness... Remember the bread thing? They had to leave fast.</p>\n\n<p>Rolling out of Egypt they, the Jews, are hustling, but Pharaoh begins to realize that he has lost his workforce and that there will be nobody to build his next XXL jungle gym or party space and that Colonel Gaddafi is going to make fun of him later so he changes his mind. He mounts up his whole army with all their specially designed camels and he gives chase.</p>\n\n<p>Now the Jews are really hustling like when a banker runs for the 6 train because he’s late to work foreclosing on brown people. But they hit a rough spot when they get to the Red Sea... It's an ocean... and they have no boats... This is when Moses is like, “Come on G-d what else you got for me? I brought all these people out here to party and we cant even get into the club.” G-d is cool sometimes though and he hears his cell ringing on the direct line and he reaches down and parts the red sea for the chosen people and they pass through with the Egyptians on their heels.</p>\n\n<p>It's still not looking good for the Jews because the Pharaoh and his army are on their tail, but this is old-school, Old-Testament, drop plagues on your head G-d, and he shuts the sea down...and Pharaoh and all his men, and camels, drown... bummer yes, for them... but for us, it got us into the Sinai to begin our wandering that would eventually get us our commandments (the ones everyone else who wanted to do the one G-d thing stole from us) and then to Israel and then to Manhattan...</p>\n\n<p>If you need an extra cup of wine after that you can ball out cause we made it!</p>\n",
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"body": "<p>The plagues and our subsequent redemption from Egypt are but one example of the care God has shown for us in our history. Had God but done any one of these kindnesses, it would have been enough – dayeinu.</p>\n\n<p><strong>אִלּוּ הוֹצִיאָֽנוּ מִמִּצְרַֽיִם, דַּיֵּנוּ</strong></p>\n\n<p>Ilu hotzi- hotzianu, Hotzianu mi-mitzrayim Hotzianu mi-mitzrayim, Dayeinu</p>\n\n<p>If God had only taken us out of Egypt, that would have been enough!</p>\n\n<p><strong>אִלּוּ נָתַן לָֽנוּ אֶת־הַתּוֹרָה, דַּיֵּנוּ</strong></p>\n\n<p>Ilu natan natan lanu, natan lanu et ha-Torah, Natan lanu et ha-Torah , Dayeinu</p>\n\n<p>If God had only given us the Torah, that would have been enough.</p>\n",
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"covertext": "As we now transition to the celebratory meal, we once again wash our hands to prepare ourselves. After you have poured...",
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"body": "<p>As we now transition to the celebratory meal, we once again wash our hands to prepare ourselves. </p>\n\n<p>After you have poured the water over your hands, recite this short blessing.</p>\n\n<p><strong>בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָֽׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו, וְצִוָּנוּ עַל נְטִילַת יָדָֽיִם</strong></p>\n\n<p>Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu al n’tilat yadayim.</p>\n\n<p>We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who made us holy through obligations, commanding us to wash our hands.</p>\n\n\n",
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"covertext": "Dipping the bitter herb in sweet charoset | maror |מָרוֹר In creating a holiday about the joy of freedom, we turn the...",
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"body": "<p>Dipping the bitter herb in sweet charoset | <em>maror </em> |מָרוֹר</p>\n\n<p><br />\nIn creating a holiday about the joy of freedom, we turn the story of our bitter history into a sweet celebration. We recognize this by dipping our bitter herbs into the sweet charoset. We don’t totally eradicate the taste of the bitter with the taste of the sweet… </p>\n\n<p>ברוּךְ אַתָּה יְיַָ אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָֽׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּֽנוּ עַל אֲכִילַת מרוֹר:</p>\n\n<p>Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu al achilat maror.</p>\n\n<p>We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who made us holy through obligations, commanding us to eat bitter herbs.</p>\n\n<p>I think this is also a moment for the cherish charoset sandwich, right Mom? (See I can still ask questions with the best of them). </p>\n",
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"body": "<p>The root of the jewish food obsession comes down from way back.</p>\n\n<p>Eating a sandwich of matzah and bitter herb | <em>koreich</em> | כּוֹרֵךְ</p>\n\n<p>When the Temple stood in Jerusalem, the biggest ritual of them all was eating the lamb offered as the Passover sacrifice. The great sage Hillel would put the meat in a sandwich made of matzah, along with some of the bitter herbs. While we do not make sacrifices any more – and, in fact, some Jews have a custom of purposely avoiding lamb during the seder so that it is not mistaken as a sacrifice – we honor this custom by eating a sandwich of the remaining matzah and bitter herbs. Some people will also include charoset in the sandwich to remind us that God’s kindness helped relieve the bitterness of slavery.</p>\n\n<p>This is pure food obsession... visit the new temple in your leisure time it's on Houston street and it's called Russ and Daughters... For real though I have no idea why this is in every Haggadah and the only explanation that makes sense to me is that all semites love food and talk about it all the time. </p>\n\n<p>Enjoy. </p>\n",
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"body": "<p>The wandering is over, YO. You in NYC now.</p>\n\n<p>Kids are finding or have found the Afikomen | <em>tzafoon</em> | צָפוּן</p>\n\n<p>The playfulness of finding the afikomen reminds us that we balance our solemn memories of slavery with a joyous celebration of freedom. As we eat the afikomen, our last taste of matzah for the evening, we are grateful for moments of silliness and happiness in our lives.</p>\n\n<p>You're welcome.</p>\n",
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"body": "<p><em>Refill everyone’s wine glass.</em></p>\n\n<p>We now say grace after the meal, thanking God for the food we’ve eaten. On Passover, this becomes something like an extended toast to God, he can be vein sometimes but we still love him. </p>\n\n<p>A song of ascents:</p>\n\n<p>When the Lord returned the exiled to Zion we were like dreamers. Then our mouths filled with laughter and our tongues with joyous song. Then it was said among the nations, \"the Lord has done great things for them.\" The Lord has done great things for us, we rejoice. Lord, return our exiled like streams in the Negev. Those who sow with tears shall reap with joy. He who weeps while sowing will return rejoicing and bearing sheaves. </p>\n\n<p><strong>The Third Glass of Wine</strong></p>\n\n<p>The blessing over the meal is immediately followed by another blessing over the wine:</p>\n\n<p>בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן</p>\n\n<p>Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree hagafen.</p>\n\n<p>We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who creates the fruit of the vine.</p>\n\n<p>Drink the third glass of wine! Now! Drink!</p>\n",
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"body": "<p><em>Nirtzah</em> marks the conclusion of the seder. Our bellies are full, we have had several glasses of wine, we have told stories and sung songs, and now it is time for the evening to come to a close. Time for you to get out.</p>\n\n<p>The last thing we have to do at the end of the seder is honor the tradition of declaring, “Next year in Jerusalem!” </p>\n\n<p>No jokes this time... </p>\n\n<p>Though it comes at the end of the seder, this moment also marks a beginning. We are beginning the next season with a renewed awareness of the freedoms we enjoy and the obstacles we must still confront. We are looking forward to the time that we gather together again. Having retold stories of the Jewish people, recalled historic movements of liberation, and reflected on the struggles people still face for freedom and equality, we are ready to embark on a year that we hope will bring positive change in the world and freedom to people everywhere.</p>\n\n<p>“Passover is the night for reckless dreams; for visions about what a human being can be, what society can be, what people can be, what history may become.” - Rabbi David Hartman </p>\n\n<p>What can <em>we</em> do to fulfill our reckless dreams? What will be our legacy for future generations?</p>\n\n<p><strong>לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בִּירוּשָׁלָֽיִם</strong></p>\n\n<p><em>L’shana haba-ah biy’rushalayim</em></p>\n\n<p>NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM!</p>\n",
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"body": "<p>Singing songs that praise God | hallel | הַלֵּל</p>\n\n<p>This is the time set aside for singing, if you wanna. We can also just drink the fourth cup of wine and be done but maybe you wanna belt out a few verses... if you got it let's hear it.</p>\n\n<p>Fourth Glass of Wine</p>\n\n<p>As we come to the end of the seder, we drink one more glass of wine. With this final cup, we give thanks for the experience of celebrating Passover together, for the traditions that help inform our daily lives and guide our actions and aspirations.</p>\n\n<p>בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן:</p>\n\n<p>Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree hagafen.</p>\n\n<p>We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who creates the fruit of the vine.</p>\n\n<p>Drink the fourth and final glass of wine! Do it! You want it! Drink!</p>\n",
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