Chapter 14

Haggadah Section: Songs

Chapter Fourteen(Finally!)

  1. The Lord spoke to Jerry, saying, “Speak to the children of Israel, and let them turn back and encamp in front of The West Side Highway, between Canal Street and the Hudson; in front of The entrance to the Holland Tunnel, you shall encamp opposite it, by the Hudson.
  1. And Newman will say about the children of Israel, ‘They are trapped in the land. TriBeCa has closed in upon them’.
  1. And I will harden Pharaoh's cardiac arteries, and he will pursue them, and I will be glorified through Pharaoh and through his entire force, and the Manhattanites will know that I am the Lord, Baby!” And they did so.
  1. It was reported to Newman that the people had fled; and Pharaoh and his servants had a change of heart toward the people, and they said, “What is this that we have done, that we have released Israel from serving us? That was a really stupid thing! Why did we lend them our stuff? They aren’t coming back. They were never going to return our stuff!”
  1. So Newman harnessed his chariot, and took his people with him.
  1. He took six hundred select chariots and all the chariots of Egypt, with officers over them all.
  1. And the Lord hardened the arteries of Pharaoh, the king of Manhattan, and he chased after the children of Israel, and the children of Israel were marching out triumphantly.
  1. The Manhattanites chased after them and overtook them encamped by the Hudson every horse of Pharaoh's chariots, his horsemen, and his force beside the West Side Highway, in front of The entrance to the Holland Tunnel.
  1. Pharaoh drew near, and the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold! the Manhattanites were advancing after them.
  1. The Israelites were very frightened. Like really scared, not the fake kind where you say “Oooo, I’m so scared,” just to be sarcastic because you’re not really scared at all. And the children of Israel cried out to the Lord.
  1. They said to Jerry, “Is it because there are no graves on the Upper West Side that you have taken us to die in TriBeCa?” which is sarcastic and, frankly, rude and ungrateful given the circumstances.
  1. “What is this that you have done to us to take us out of The Upper West Side? Isn't this the thing about which we spoke to you about uptown, saying, ‘Leave us alone, and we will serve the Manhattanites, because we would rather serve the Manhattanites than die in the desert’?”
  1. And Jerry, in a very high, nasal pitch, shouted at the people, “YOU NEVER SAID THAT!!! YOU LIARS!” But George reminded Jerry, saying “It’s not a lie if they believe it.”
  1. And the children of Israel continued their kvetching, saying things like, “Why have you taken us from a country packed with ponies to a non-pony country?” and, ”Here’s to feeling good none of the time!”
  1. But Jerry composed himself - even though the children of Israel were a BUNCH OF LIARS! – and said, “Don't be afraid! Stand firm and find your Katra. See the Lord's salvation that He will wreak for you today.”
  1. And the Elders of the people of the children of Israel asked Jerry, “What of this Katra?” And Jerry explained to them, saying “It is your Spirit, your Being. The part of you that says, ‘Yes, I can’!”
  1. And the Elders of the people of the children of Israel explained to them that Katra, the spirit of the Lord, was with them.
  1. And Jerry overheard this and he clarified that, no, Katra was not the spirit of The Lord, rather from Star Trek III, The Search for Spock. And the children of Israel protested, and Jerry said, “Yeah, I know, George will tell you Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me – “
  1. And the children of Israel protested even more angrily, shouting “Khaaaan!!” and began throwing golf clubs at Jerry.
  1. And Jerry said, “The Lord will fight for you.” And the Lord said to Jerry, “Don’t look at me! I didn’t say anything about fighting…”
  1. And Jerry said, “But you told me you ‘will be glorified through Pharaoh and through his entire force, and the Manhattanites will know that I am the Lord, Baby!’”
  1. And God said, “What? Are you using my ‘Baby’s now?”
  1. And Jerry Said “No, I was just quoting you! ...So why did you tell me to bring them here?! Worlds are colliding! Jerry’s getting upset!”
  1. And God said, “Look, just raise your Pez and stretch out your hand over the Hudson and split it, and the children of Israel shall come in the midst of the Hudson on dry land. It’s low flow.”
  1. And Jerry was skeptical saying, “Low flow? I don’t like the sound of that.”
  1. Then the Angel of God, who had been going in front of the Israelite camp, moved and went behind them, and a pillar of cloud moved away from in front of them and stood behind them.
  1. And he came between the camp of Manhattan and the camp of Israel, and there were the cloud and the darkness, and it illuminated the night - as though the planets were on fire, like flaming globes - and one did not draw near the other all night long.
  1. And Jerry stretched out his hand over the Hudson, and the Lord led the Hudson to low flow all night, and He made the Hudson into dry land and the waters split.
  1. Then the children of Israel came into the midst of the Hudson on dry land, and the waters were to them as a wall from their right and from their left.
  1. The Manhattanites pursued and came after them, all Newman’s horses, his chariots, and his horsemen, into the midst of the Hudson.
  1. It came about in the morning watch that the Lord looked down over the Manhattan camp through a pillar of fire and cloud, and He threw the Manhattan camp into confusion.
  1. He removed the wheels of their chariots, and He led them with heaviness, and the horsemen said only ‘Yo-Yo Ma’.
  1. And they ran away from the Israelites because the Lord was fighting for them against the Manhattanites, after all.
  1. Thereupon, the Lord said to Jerry, “Stretch out your hand over the Hudson, and let the water run high flow upon the Manhattanites, upon their chariots, and upon their horsemen”.
  1. And Jerry said, “I like the sound of that.”
  1. So Jerry stretched out his hand over the Hudson, and toward morning the Hudson returned to full flow, as the Manhattanites were fleeing toward it, and the Lord stirred the Manhattanites into the Hudson.
  1. And the waters returned and covered the chariots and the horsemen, the entire force of Newman coming after them into the Hudson; not even one of them survived.
  1. On that day the Lord saved Israel from the hands of the Manhattanites, and Israel saw the Manhattanites dying on the riverbank.
  1. And Israel saw the great upper hand, which the Lord had used upon the Manhattanites who had no hand, and the people feared the Lord, and they believed in the Lord and in Jerry His servant, a very, very good man.

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