Chapter one

1       And these are the names of the sons of Israel who came to the New York Metropolitan area with Jacob, each man and his household came:

2         Reuben, Simeon, and Judah.

3          Issachar, Zebulun and Benjamin

4          Yada, Yada and Yada

7          The children of Israel were fruitful, as few were sponge-worthy, and swarmed and increased and became very very strong, particularly the Mandlebaums, and the land became filled with them.

8          A new Crazy pharaoh, Joe Davola, arose over Manhattan, who did not know about Superman or cereal or anything.

9          He said to his people, Behold, though 95% of the people of the children of Israel are undatable(!) they are more numerous and stronger than we are.

11       So they appointed over them tax collectors and library cops to afflict them with their burdens, and they built two retirement condominium complexes for Pharaoh, namely Phase II of the Pines of Mar Gables, and Del Boca Vista, Phase III.

12       But as much as they would afflict them, so did they multiply, as there were no sponges left in all of Manhattan, and so did they gain strength, not just the Mandlebaums, and the Manhattanites were disgusted because of the children of Israel.

13       So the Manhattanites, all anti-dentite bastards, enslaved the children of Israel with back-breaking labor.

14       And they embittered their lives with hard labor the maid did little, the pool guy did not replace the towels, no butlers were decreed and they pretty much had to do most of the cleaning themselves.

15       Now Crazy Joe Davola spoke to the Hebrew midwives, one who was named Mulva, and the second, who was named Man Hands.

16       And he said, When you deliver the Hebrew women, if it is a son, you shall put him to death, but if it is a daughter, she may live. He was a bit of a crazy-talker.

17       The midwives, however, feared God; so they did not do as Crazy Joe Davola had spoken to them, but they enabled the boys to live.

18       Yada, yada, yada


22       And Pharaoh Joe commanded all his people, saying, Every Hebrew son who is born you shall cast into the East River, and every daughter you shall allow to live on the Upper West Side.

haggadah Section: -- Exodus Story