An Alternate Version of Who Knows One

Source: For This We Left Egypt?

Who knows one?

I know one. One is our God who is heaven and on earth

Or rather on earth, since that is the proper preposition

To modify earth

Though these rules are rather subjective

And only God knows why you are on Manhattan or in Brooklyn

Especially with the rents these days

You might as well move to Queens

Am I right?

Who knows two?

Two is the number of fingers in the peace sign

Which we display in photos

To remind us of the fallacy of wr

Or to make air quotes

If we are douche bags

Who knows three?

Three is the holy trinity

Of delicatessen fish options

Whitefish, lox and sable

Although an argument for kippers

Could also be made

Who knows 3.28?

3.28 is Wade Boggs’ lifetime batting average

I have no idea why I know that

But I will take it to my grave

Who knows four?

Four are the acceptable types of bagels:

Sesame, poppy, onion, and everything

Get out of here with your blueberry bagel

Your asiago cheese bagel

Your Saint-John’s-wort bagel

And all the rest of these

Fugazy bagels

Who knows five?

I know five

Five are the books of the Torah

And the boroughs of New York City

But none among us

Has the wisdom to say

Which book is Staten Island

Who knows six? I know six

Six are the books of Mishnah

Which is the most Jewish book ever

Even more Jewish than Portnoy’s Complaint

Because it is basically one long argument

Who knows seven?

Seven are the days of the week

For it was Adonai our God who gave us

The weekend to chill and created

Labor unions to enforce it

Who knows eight? I know eight

Eight is the punch line to that counting joke

That doesn’t really make any sense because

Who sevens a tree? What does that even mean?

Who knows nine? I know nine

Nine are the months of pregnancy

Which is how we make more Jews

Because going door to door is for schmucks

Who knows ten?

Ten are the commandments

Which Adonai our God gave Moses

At the rate of one commandment every days

Because chiseling stone is difficult

And presumably they also took breaks

To just hang out

Who knows eleven?

I know eleven

But I’ll be damned

If I tell you

Who knows twelve? I know twelve

Twelve are the tribes of Israel

Whom we honor by being

Unable to name more than like two

Who knows thirteen? I know thirteen

Thirteen is bar or bat mitzvah

When a Jewish child becomes an adult

Which maybe made sense when

The average lifespan was twenty-nine, but

Seriously, have you spoken

To a thirteen-year-old lately?


haggadah Section: Songs