An Alternate Version of Who Knows One
Source: For This We Left Egypt?
Who knows one?
I know one. One is our God who is heaven and on earth
Or rather on earth, since that is the proper preposition
To modify earth
Though these rules are rather subjective
And only God knows why you are on Manhattan or in Brooklyn
Especially with the rents these days
You might as well move to Queens
Am I right?
Who knows two?
Two is the number of fingers in the peace sign
Which we display in photos
To remind us of the fallacy of wr
Or to make air quotes
If we are douche bags
Who knows three?
Three is the holy trinity
Of delicatessen fish options
Whitefish, lox and sable
Although an argument for kippers
Could also be made
Who knows 3.28?
3.28 is Wade Boggs’ lifetime batting average
I have no idea why I know that
But I will take it to my grave
Who knows four?
Four are the acceptable types of bagels:
Sesame, poppy, onion, and everything
Get out of here with your blueberry bagel
Your asiago cheese bagel
Your Saint-John’s-wort bagel
And all the rest of these
Who knows five?
I know five
Five are the books of the Torah
And the boroughs of New York City
But none among us
Has the wisdom to say
Which book is Staten Island
Who knows six? I know six
Six are the books of Mishnah
Which is the most Jewish book ever
Even more Jewish than Portnoy’s Complaint
Because it is basically one long argument
Who knows seven?
Seven are the days of the week
For it was Adonai our God who gave us
The weekend to chill and created
Labor unions to enforce it
Who knows eight? I know eight
Eight is the punch line to that counting joke
That doesn’t really make any sense because
Who sevens a tree? What does that even mean?
Who knows nine? I know nine
Nine are the months of pregnancy
Which is how we make more Jews
Because going door to door is for schmucks
Who knows ten?
Ten are the commandments
Which Adonai our God gave Moses
At the rate of one commandment every days
Because chiseling stone is difficult
And presumably they also took breaks
To just hang out
Who knows eleven?
I know eleven
But I’ll be damned
If I tell you
Who knows twelve? I know twelve
Twelve are the tribes of Israel
Whom we honor by being
Unable to name more than like two
Who knows thirteen? I know thirteen
Thirteen is bar or bat mitzvah
When a Jewish child becomes an adult
Which maybe made sense when
The average lifespan was twenty-nine, but
Seriously, have you spoken
To a thirteen-year-old lately?
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