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The Matzah Show
(to the theme of "The Muppet Show")
It's time to burn some chometz
It's time to bless the lights
It's time to start the seder, on the Matzah Show tonight
It's time to put on kittels
It's time to lean left, not right
It's time to raise the 4 cups, on the Matzah Show tonight
It's time to ask some questions
It's time to leave Egypt tonight
It's time to get things started on the most sensational
Inspirational, celebrational, sederational
This is what we call the Matzah Show!!!!!
(Discussion #1: How could Kermit be a plague?)
(Professor Eliezer Segal, http://www.acs.ucalgary.ca/~elsegal/) Why is it only on Passover night we never know how to do anything right? We don't eat our meals in the regular ways, the ways that we do on all other days. `Cause on all other nights we may eat all kinds of wonderful good bready treats, like big purple pizza that tastes like a pickle, crumbly crackers and pink pumpernickel, sassafras sandwich and tiger on rye, fifty falafels in pita, fresh-fried, with peanut-butter and tangerine sauce spread onto each side up-and-down, then across, and toasted whole-wheat bread with liver and ducks, and crumpets and dumplings, and bagels and lox, and doughnuts with one hole and doughnuts with four, and cake with six layers and windows and doors. Yes-- on all other nights we eat all kinds of bread, but tonight of all nights we munch matzah instead. And on all other nights we devour vegetables, green things, and bushes and flowers, lettuce that's leafy and candy-striped spinach, fresh silly celery (Have more when you're finished!) cabbage that's flown from the jungles of Glome by a polka-dot bird who can't find his way home, daisies and roses and inside-out grass and artichoke hearts that are simply first class! Sixty asparagus tips served in glasses with anchovy sauce and some sticky molasses-- But on Passover night you would never consider eating an herb that wasn't all bitter.
“As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt water. A fish from the wall of water heard the complaints and told Moses that he and his family could remove the salt from the water through their own gills and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain. Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants insisted that they always be present at the Seder meal, since they had such an important part in the story. When Moses agreed, he gave them their name, for he said to them, "Go Filter, Fish!"
OM NOM NOM.
A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, "Who wrote this?"
It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoth, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go."
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Filet minyan
Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A: A Bris-kit!
From Shouts and Murmurs in the New Yorker, 4-14-11:
YOUNGEST CHILD: How is this night different from all other nights?
FATHER: Because on this night we tell the story of our escape from Egypt.
YOUNGEST CHILD: How is this night different from Easter?
FATHER: It is worse.
YOUNGEST CHILD: Why do we go through the motions of this ritual year after year, even though some of us doubt God’s existence?
FATHER: Because your grandmother is still alive.
YOUNGEST CHILD: Why on this night does the mother-in-law say that the brisket her son’s wife cooked is dry when it is fine?
FATHER: Because she resents the fact that she cannot legally marry her son, the doctor.
YOUNGEST CHILD: Why, if Israel is so great, have we never gone there?
FATHER: It is not great. We are scared to go there.
OLDEST DAUGHTER: When can I get a nose job?
FATHER: Ninety days before college. That is how long it takes for the bandages to come off.
FATHER: Has everyone here seen “Blazing Saddles”?
ALL: Yes, we have seen it.
FATHER: Do you remember the beans scene? That is the greatest scene.
ALL: Yes, we remember it.
FATHER: Does it get any better than Billy Joel?
YOUNGEST CHILD: Why do we subscribe to the Forward?
FATHER: We do not subscribe. They found us.
YOUNGEST CHILD: Can we please just eat already?
On Passover we
Opened the door for Elijah
Now our cat is gone.