The Magid - Curb Your Haggadah
THE MAGID
LARRY FINDS HIMSELF IN A PALACE…IN THE EGYPT OF THE TORAH…BUT HE’S NOT A JEW… AND HE’S NOT JUST ANY GENTILE… HE’S…PHARAOH.
PHARAOH LARRY
Can you tell me? What do these Jews want? So they have to work a little. They live in Goshen. Our most luxurious province. It’s full of food to eat, livestock and seafood, but they’re too good for pork?
HIS ADVISOR, EGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE (Season 7 and 10), SAYS:
EGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE
Shellfish too apparently, Pharaoh. It’s also a misconception that the Jews built the pyramids. We make them work with straw not stone. And they haven’t been our slaves for long. They lived well for generations with their former leader, Joseph.
PHARAOH LARRY
What then does this Moses want exactly?
EGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE
It seems he just wants a three day break, for him and his people, so they can go pray to their G-d in the desert, give sacrifices, and I guess come back? Which really isn’t that big of a deal, is it?
PHARAOH LARRY
What? Not a big deal, Egyptian Mocha Joe? Do you think I get a vacation from being Pharaoh? A break from being me? No, I’m stuck as me forever. And I’m sick of it. Sure I have all this power. But it’s almost like a prison. Being me. I’m kind of the slave here, too, if you ask me.
EGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE
Hm.
JUST THEN, ANOTHER ADVISOR, EGYPTIAN JON HAMM (Season 10 and 11), ENTERS:
EGYPTIAN JON HAMM
Yo Pharaoh! Moses is here to see you.
PHARAOH LARRY
Send him in, Egyptian Jon Hamm.
EGYPTIAN JON HAMM
You mean, Egyptian Jon Hamm who’s shadowing you so I can act in a play as Pharaoh Larry?
PHARAOH LARRY
Whatever, send him in.
MOSES ENTERS. PHARAOH LARRY IS SURPRISED THAT MOSES RESEMBLES HIM…
MOSES LARRY
Hello, Pharaoh.
PHARAOH LARRY
Hello, Moses. You look…
MOSES LARRY
Like you?
PHARAOH LARRY
I was going to say handsome and confident. Especially for a bald man. But that’s basically what you said.
MOSES LARRY
Yes, I do look like you. That’s because in Kabbalah, one way of looking at the Pharaoh is that you are the Shadow of me, Moses.
EGYPTIAN JON HAMM
I thought I was doing the shadowing?
PHARAOH LARRY
Egyptian Mocha Joe, throw Egyptian Jon Hamm in the river!
EGYPTIAN JON HAMM
Aw man! Are you killing me? Or does that mean I’m shadowing your shadow, Moses Larry, now?
PHARAOH LARRY
Get him in that river, Egyptian Mocha Joe!
EGYPTIAN MOCHA JOE REMOVES EGYPTIAN JON HAMM.
PHARAOH LARRY
It’s just us now, Moses Larry. So I’m the Shadow of you? If that’s true, can we skip all the formalities? Of having your G-d plague me? Us? Whatever? What were those plagues of your G-d again anyway, Moses Larry?
MOSES LARRY LOOKS JUST THE SLIGHTEST BIT ANNOYED TO HAVE TO REPEAT THEM.
MOSES LARRY
Can I have a wine glass and a plate, Pharaoh?
PHARAOH LARRY
Egyptian Mocha Joe! Fetch Moses Larry a wine glass and a plate!
SILENCE.
MOSES LARRY
You sent him to throw Egyptian Jon Hamm in the river, remember?
PHARAOH LARRY
Oh right! Fine, I’ll fetch it myself I guess.
PHARAOH LARRY FETCHES MOSES LARRY A WINE GLASS AND PLATE. MOSES LARRY DABS HIS FINGER, DROPS WINE FOR EACH PLAGUE.
MOSES LARRY
The Ten Plagues were, are and will always be: DAM, turning your water into blood; TZFARDEAH, releasing frogs on you; KINIM, lice; AROV, wild beasts; DEVER, diseasing your livestock; SH’HIN, giving you boils; BARAD, hail; ARBEH, locusts; HOSHEKH, darkness over you and your land for three days; and finally, MAKAT B’KHOROT, the killing of your firstborns.
PHARAOH LARRY
But, wait, if I’m the Shadow of you, all of that suffering from the plagues is happening to you, too?
MOSES LARRY
In a way…
PHARAOH LARRY
But you’re also suffering as yourself as my slave? And I’d be suffering as my slave myself?
MOSES LARRY
In a way…
PHARAOH LARRY
But I don’t feel like a slave. I’m the most powerful person in history. So far. I’m confused.
MOSES LARRY
It’s perhaps about how we suffer and why. You perhaps represent the Ego. And every Ego suffers. Even when it doesn’t realize it is or has been. I perhaps represent Essence. And Essence both does and does not suffer.
PHARAOH LARRY
Why the hametz does Essence get to not suffer?
MOSES LARRY
Because it is and knows it is part of and in the hands of G-d and can never truly be hurt or extinguished.
PHARAOH LARRY
Hm, I think I remember Essence once. I was a baby. Playing with my dad. In the crypt. Of a pyramid. He was mummified. Because he was dead. But I felt his Essence. Or mine. Or just the existence of Essence. It was nice. That was before I had to harden my heart to rule. Do things like throw Egyptian Jon Hamm in the river. And enslave you and your people. Or anyone who comments about my baldness. Why do we have to become Egos?
MOSES LARRY
Perhaps the Ego’s suffering is purposeful. It can bring us into knowledge of Essence. And the knowledge of Essence while you also have an Ego is perhaps different from when you were undifferentiated Essence as an unaware baby. As an Ego aware of and in synch with Essence, you can perhaps best serve as an instrument of the Divine.
PHARAOH LARRY
So…the plagues, the slavery, all this suffering…it all has a purpose for both Egyptians and Jews, Moses and Pharaoh, me and you, our Ego and our Essence, and I can’t avoid it?
MOSES LARRY
I believe so.
PHARAOH LARRY CONSIDERS THIS…
THEN REPLIES:
PHARAOH LARRY
Well, I don’t believe in any of this nonsense. Or in this G-d of yours. Or in any G-d. You and your people cannot leave. And will never leave. I can defeat any so-called plagues myself.
MOSES LARRY
Very well.
MOSES LARRY LEAVES TO RETURN TO THE JEWISH CAMP.
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