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(to the tune of "Do you hear the people Sing" from “Les Miserables”)   Do you hear the doorbell ring, And it's a little after ten? It can only be Elijah Come to take a sip again. He is feeling pretty fine But in his head a screw is loose. So perhaps instead of wine We should only give him juice

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Seinfeld Urchatz by Dave Cowen (adapted from The Yada Yada Haggadah) INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT ELAINE Now what? KRAMER It’s time for the Urchatz. Where we all wash our hands before the meal with this. KRAMER PASSES A BOWL FILLED WITH WATER TO ELAINE.  ELAINE OK... ELAINE WASHES HER HANDS. THEN WHEN SHE IS DIRECTED BY KRAMER TO PASS THE BOWL TO THE NEXT PERSON, JERRY REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON. HE TURNS HORRIFIED: JERRY Wait. We’re all washing our hands...

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A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, "Who wrote this?" It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that seder participants should...

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The children are sent out of the room to find the Afikomen.  They return, shouting: Children:  An afikomen! An afikomen! An afikomen! We've got an afikomen!: We have found an afikomen, may we eat it?  Father:     Eat it! Eat!  Mother:    How do you know it is an afikomen? Children:  It looks like one. It has warts on it.  And it turned me into a newt!

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FIRST PLAGUE AS REPORTED ON TWITTER by Jacob Richman, http://www.jr.co.il/humor/pass72.htm CNN-Alerts: Egyptian water turns to blood Jewish-Press: G-d sends first plague onto Egypt BBC-Alerts: Egyptian officials say there is no problem. Egypt-Ministry-of-Health: Temporary problem with the water supply Egypt-Opposition: Do not drink the water Muhamed-the-Egyptian: What the #%&!? Jacob-the-Jew: What water problem?? Hamas-Guy: Tastes great, less filling Pharo-the-Great: Anyone see that Moses dude? Obama-Man: Give the negotiations a chance Hillary-Clinton: This directed assault is an insult to the United States and...

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Scene 1:  In the Desert  Moses is galloping (skipping on foot while clopping coconuts together to sound like hoofbeats) across the desert. He comes to a burning bush. Bush: Halt! Who goes there! Moses: A shrubbery! A talking shrubbery! One that looks nice, but is not too expensive. It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. Bush: Moses! Moses, Leader of the Israelites!  (Moses looks stunned, drops to his knees in awe and bows his head to the ground...

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This song was written to be part of Fiddler on the Roof, but was cut from the show before it made its Broadway debut for being too slow, and comic at a moment in the show when the people of Anatevka are experiencing tragedy. It imagines a world in which the Messiah is coming, but lost, and worried about us. Words and music by Sheldon Harnick When Messiah comes he will say to us, “I apologize that I took so long.”...

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The Sorting Hat of Passover                        You might belong in Gryffindor where dwell the brave at heart.  They forge the path for those to come with justice, tzedek, from the start!You might belong in Hufflepuff where they are just and loyal.  Those patient ‘Puffs are true and unafraid of Middle Eastern turmoil!Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw if you’ve a ready mind.  Where those of wit and learning will always find chevruta in kind.Or perhaps in Slytherin you’ll make your real friends. ...

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A Whole New Worldto the tune of “A Whole New World”God will show us the way To a place way out yonder. Forty years we’ll be wandering Until we find our dream.God will give us the land. God will feed us with manna. We will see that we can escape Our lives in Mitzrayim.A whole new world… Where we won’t live in slavery. No one to tell us no, The Jews can’t go, Or say we’re only dreaming.A whole new world… ...

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10. Persistently high interest rates 9.   Paying 5.00 dollars for a cup of coffee 8.   Facebook mob wars 7.   An hour too long with your extended family 6.   A Very Special episode of The “Jersey Shore” Seder 5.   Incapacitating flatulence 4.   No cell phone reception in Pharaoh's Palace 3.   Stranded on an Island with the Shamwow guy 2.   Warm Grape Juice 1.   Radio stations playing 'Walk Like an Egyptian' 24-7 

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To help us remember the story of the first Passover, we have assembled various symbolic foods on a Seder plate. There's egg and spam; shankbone and spam; greens and spam, bitter herbs and spam, charoses and spam, and spam, and spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam matzoh and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!  But I can't eat spam, it's not kosher! 

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Scene 1:  In the Desert  Moses is galloping (skipping on foot while clopping coconuts together to sound like hoofbeats) across the desert. He comes to a burning bush. Bush: Halt! Who goes there! Moses: A shrubbery! A talking shrubbery! One that looks nice, but is not too expensive. It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. Bush: Moses! Moses, Leader of the Israelites!  (Moses looks stunned, drops to his knees in awe and bows his head to the ground...

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It's time to eat dinner before finishing the rest of the Haggadah.  While eating dinner, make sure to defend yourself against the possibility that the person to your right will attack you with a banana.