Chapters 9 and 10

{ "clip_details": { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapters-9-and-10", "title": "Chapters 9 and 10", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapters Nine and Ten \tLet My people go…yada, yada…a very severe pestilence…yada, yada…livestock (not the noxious kind)...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapters Nine and Ten\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Let My people go…yada, yada…a very severe pestilence…yada, yada…livestock (not the noxious kind) died…yada, yada…hardened arteries…yada, yada…</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And George asked Jerry, “Haven’t we had this conversation before?” and Jerry pondered, “You think?” And George became more confident, “I think we have.” And Jerry shrugged, “Yeah, maybe we have.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry and to George, \"Take yourselves handfuls of Junior Mints - or, if you’re out of Junior Mints, maybe Jujyfruits, either will work - and Jerry shall cast them heavenward before Pharaoh's eyes.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the Junior Mints/Jujyfruits will come down upon the entire land of Manhattan, and the candy will carry fungus [fungus?!] breaking out into white discolorations upon man and upon beast throughout the entire land of Manhattan.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So they took the Junior Mints, but did not partake of the Jujyfruits, and they stood before Newman, and Jerry cast them heavenward, and they became fungus [fungus?!] breaking out into white discolorations upon man and upon beast.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the necromancers dealt in fungus. They were knee-deep in fungus. These guys knew fungus. But the necromancers could not stand before Jerry because of the fungi, for the fungi were upon the necromancers and upon all Manhattan. And the necromancers called Dr. Bison, but he said was booked solid, even when he was told it was for Pharaoh.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And - no cliff-hanger here - the Lord strengthened Pharaoh's heart (he Nautilus-ed, of course), and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord told Jerry.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>This back-and-forth went on for quite a long time. And the descriptions of each plague were remarkably similar. So much so that opportunities to inject satirical bits into the text became increasingly difficult.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>For instance, next came hail. So something about the hail being as big as Titleist golf balls. Not great.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Then you got your locusts, which really are supposed to be in the next chapter but people are getting hungry. And what is your scribe supposed to do with locusts?</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But there was one difference. The Manhattanites were angry that day, my friends, like old men trying to return soup at a deli. They said to Newman, “Let the people go and they will worship their God. Don't you yet know that Manhattan is lost, you stubborn, stupid, silly man?\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But Newman’s arterial sclerosis was too far gone and he kept lying because he was a liar. And so the locusts came. Then the darkness.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Newman summoned Jerry and said, “Hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down”.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry clenched his teeth and loudly whispered, “Newman!”</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Tzafun", "slug": "tzafun" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 225, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapters 9 and 10 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapters-9-and-10", "og:title": "Chapters 9 and 10 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, "contributed_by": { "author": "Ian Gold", "handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "total_books": 2, "total_clips": 26, "total_followers": 0, "is_following": 0 }, "user_book": null, "clips_by_author": [ { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-14", "title": "Chapter 14", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter Fourteen(Finally!) \tThe Lord spoke to Jerry, saying, “Speak to the children of Israel, and let them turn back an...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter Fourteen(Finally!)\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord spoke to Jerry, saying, “Speak to the children of Israel, and let them turn back and encamp in front of The West Side Highway, between Canal Street and the Hudson; in front of The entrance to the Holland Tunnel, you shall encamp opposite it, by the Hudson.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Newman will say about the children of Israel, ‘They are trapped in the land. TriBeCa has closed in upon them’.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And I will harden Pharaoh's cardiac arteries, and he will pursue them, and I will be glorified through Pharaoh and through his entire force, and the Manhattanites will know that I am the Lord, Baby!” And they did so.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>It was reported to Newman that the people had fled; and Pharaoh and his servants had a change of heart toward the people, and they said, “What is this that we have done, that we have released Israel from serving us? That was a really stupid thing! Why did we lend them our stuff? They aren’t coming back. They were never going to return our stuff!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So Newman harnessed his chariot, and took his people with him.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>He took six hundred select chariots and all the chariots of Egypt, with officers over them all.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the Lord hardened the arteries of Pharaoh, the king of Manhattan, and he chased after the children of Israel, and the children of Israel were marching out triumphantly.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Manhattanites chased after them and overtook them encamped by the Hudson every horse of Pharaoh's chariots, his horsemen, and his force beside the West Side Highway, in front of The entrance to the Holland Tunnel.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Pharaoh drew near, and the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold! the Manhattanites were advancing after them.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Israelites were very frightened. Like really scared, not the fake kind where you say “Oooo, I’m so scared,” just to be sarcastic because you’re not really scared at all. And the children of Israel cried out to the Lord.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>They said to Jerry, “Is it because there are no graves on the Upper West Side that you have taken us to die in TriBeCa?” which is sarcastic and, frankly, rude and ungrateful given the circumstances.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>“What is this that you have done to us to take us out of The Upper West Side? Isn't this the thing about which we spoke to you about uptown, saying, ‘Leave us alone, and we will serve the Manhattanites, because we would rather serve the Manhattanites than die in the desert’?”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry, in a very high, nasal pitch, shouted at the people, “YOU NEVER SAID THAT!!! YOU LIARS!” But George reminded Jerry, saying “It’s not a lie if they believe it.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the children of Israel continued their kvetching, saying things like, “Why have you taken us from a country packed with ponies to a non-pony country?” and, ”Here’s to feeling good none of the time!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But Jerry composed himself - even though the children of Israel were a BUNCH OF LIARS! – and said, “Don't be afraid! Stand firm and find your Katra. See the Lord's salvation that He will wreak for you today.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the Elders of the people of the children of Israel asked Jerry, “What of this Katra?” And Jerry explained to them, saying “It is your Spirit, your Being. The part of you that says, ‘Yes, I can’!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the Elders of the people of the children of Israel explained to them that Katra, the spirit of the Lord, was with them.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry overheard this and he clarified that, no, Katra was not the spirit of The Lord, rather from Star Trek III, The Search for Spock. And the children of Israel protested, and Jerry said, “Yeah, I know, George will tell you Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me – “</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the children of Israel protested even more angrily, shouting “Khaaaan!!” and began throwing golf clubs at Jerry.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “The Lord will fight for you.” And the Lord said to Jerry, “Don’t look at me! I didn’t say anything about fighting…”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “But you told me you ‘will be glorified through Pharaoh and through his entire force, and the Manhattanites will know that I am the Lord, Baby!’”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God said, “What? Are you using my ‘Baby’s now?”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry Said “No, I was just quoting you! ...So why did you tell me to bring them here?! Worlds are colliding! Jerry’s getting upset!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God said, “Look, just raise your Pez and stretch out your hand over the Hudson and split it, and the children of Israel shall come in the midst of the Hudson on dry land. It’s low flow.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry was skeptical saying, “Low flow? I don’t like the sound of that.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Then the Angel of God, who had been going in front of the Israelite camp, moved and went behind them, and a pillar of cloud moved away from in front of them and stood behind them.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And he came between the camp of Manhattan and the camp of Israel, and there were the cloud and the darkness, and it illuminated the night - as though the planets were on fire, like flaming globes - and one did not draw near the other all night long.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry stretched out his hand over the Hudson, and the Lord led the Hudson to low flow all night, and He made the Hudson into dry land and the waters split.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Then the children of Israel came into the midst of the Hudson on dry land, and the waters were to them as a wall from their right and from their left.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Manhattanites pursued and came after them, all Newman’s horses, his chariots, and his horsemen, into the midst of the Hudson.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>It came about in the morning watch that the Lord looked down over the Manhattan camp through a pillar of fire and cloud, and He threw the Manhattan camp into confusion.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>He removed the wheels of their chariots, and He led them with heaviness, and the horsemen said only ‘Yo-Yo Ma’.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And they ran away from the Israelites because the Lord was fighting for them against the Manhattanites, after all.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Thereupon, the Lord said to Jerry, “Stretch out your hand over the Hudson, and let the water run high flow upon the Manhattanites, upon their chariots, and upon their horsemen”.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “I like the sound of that.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So Jerry stretched out his hand over the Hudson, and toward morning the Hudson returned to full flow, as the Manhattanites were fleeing toward it, and the Lord stirred the Manhattanites into the Hudson.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the waters returned and covered the chariots and the horsemen, the entire force of Newman coming after them into the Hudson; not even one of them survived.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>On that day the Lord saved Israel from the hands of the Manhattanites, and Israel saw the Manhattanites dying on the riverbank.</li>\n</ol>\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Israel saw the great upper hand, which the Lord had used upon the Manhattanites who had no hand, and the people feared the Lord, and they believed in the Lord and in Jerry His servant, a very, very good man.</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Songs", "slug": "songs" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 291, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 14 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-14", "og:title": "Chapter 14 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-13", "title": "Chapter 13", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter Thirteen \tJerry said to the people, \"Remember this day, when you went out of Manhattan, out of the house of bond...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter Thirteen\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry said to the people, \"Remember this day, when you went out of Manhattan, out of the house of bondage, for with a mighty hand…yada, yada, yada… He basically repeated everything that God told him and George in Chapter Twelve.</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Commentary / Readings", "slug": "commentary-readings" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 332, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 13 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-13", "og:title": "Chapter 13 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-12", "title": "Chapter 12", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter Twelve \tThe Lord spoke to Jerry and to George in the land of Manhattan saying, “This month shall be to you the h...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter Twelve\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord spoke to Jerry and to George in the land of Manhattan saying, “This month shall be to you the head of the months; to you it shall be the first of the months of the year. And you shall no longer call it the Newmanium, as Pharaoh has decreed. And you shall call it instead the Kramerium, as I command. Don’t ask me why. God’s choice.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Speak to the entire community of Israel, saying, \"On the tenth of this month, The Kramerium, let each one take a lamb for each parental home, a lamb for each household.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But if the household is too small for a lamb, then he and his neighbor who is nearest to his house shall take one according to the number of people, each one according to one's ability to eat.” And Jerry shook his milky-white hand at the Lord and said, “That’s commie-talk!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And so the Lord suggested that they get a smaller lamb.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>“You shall have a perfect male sheep in its first year; you may take it either from the ram or from the ewe.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And George inquired, “Let me understand. You got the ewe, the sheep and the ram. The ram goes with the sheep. So who’s having sex with the ewe?</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry suggested they talk about it another time.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But George persisted, saying “But you see my point here? You only hear of a ewe, a ram and a lamb. Something’s missing!</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God said, “They’re all sheep. The ram has sex with all of them.” And George responded, saying, “That’s perverse.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>“Well, as I was saying…You shall keep it for inspection until the fourteenth day of the Kramerium, and the entire congregation of the community of Israel shall slaughter it in the afternoon.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “Slaughter? That sounds kind of messy.” But he ultimately assented, saying, “Let’s watch them slice these fat bastards up.” </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>“And they shall take the blood and they shall not deposit it in a blood bank, nor shall they refrigerate it in their homes, nor shall they use it as chariot coolant. Instead they will put it on the two doorposts and on the lintel, on the houses in which they will eat it.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry inquired as to meat alternatives for the vegetarians in the congregation or for those who just want to watch their fat intake and God bellowed, “Salad’s got nuttin’ on this mutton!!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>“And on this night, they shall eat the flesh, roasted over the fire, and unleavened cakes; with bitter herbs they shall eat it.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And George said, “I told you, Jerry. Your cakes are leavened. We need leaven-free.” And Jerry said, “You got a dilemma with leaven?” And George said, “Yes, I have a dilemma with leaven.” And Jerry said, “You don’t even know what leaven is.” And George said, “I know enough to stay away from it.” </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God resumed the instructions: “And before you shall eat of the bitter herbs, you shall intone, each Israelite in the home, husband and wife, son and daughter, “These bitter herbs are making me thirsty’!” </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry and George, each of them in their own manner, practiced and they intoned, “These bitter herbs are making me thirsty!” And it was agreed that God’s take was the best because, well…God.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>“And you shall dip the unleavened cakes in the bitter herbs. You shall dip the unleavened cakes but once in the bitter herbs. You shall not double-dip. I cannot stress this enough. The cakes shall be dipped in the herbs but once. If a child of Israel loses count of the dipping, he shall start over again. For if a child of Israel double dips, it’s like putting his whole mouth in the bitter herbs. So all the children of Israel will take one dip and end it!</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>You shall not eat the flesh rare or boiled in water, except roasted over the fire its head with its legs and with its innards.” And, again, Jerry made that ‘Eww, Gross!’ face he tended to make.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>“And you shall not leave over any of it until morning, and whatever is left over of it until morning, you shall burn in fire. And if the fire will not be extinguished, try using a large shoe, almost clownish in it’s size. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>For if any of the flesh is not burned and is instead discarded in a trash receptacle, then those of weak will might later feast on the discarded refuse, and I will not have the children of Israel eating garbage. I’m looking at you George.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And this is how you shall eat it: your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your Pez in your hand; and you shall eat it in haste, it is a Passover sacrifice to the Lord.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry was awash with relief as he would not have to worry about his foot odor problem, and George asked what they would be serving for desert.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>“I will pass through the land of Manhattan on this night, and I will smite every firstborn Bubble Boy in the land of Manhattan, both man and beast, and upon all the gods of Manhattan will I wreak judgments I, the Lord.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the blood will be for you for a sign upon the houses where you will be, and I will see the blood and skip over you, and there will be no plague to destroy you when I smite the people of the land of Manhattan.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry, trying to move off of the blood idea, threw out some suggestions, saying, “How about instead of blood we use some peanut butter?</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But God commanded like it was a bodily function, “No. Too many containers. Big mess, big mess. Too sloppy. I want to stick with the blood from the lambs. That's the ticket.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But Jerry, too, would not relent, saying, “How about this: label makers! You know, individualize the houses, like ‘The Steinbergs live here. No smiting, please’.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But God was steadfast, explaining, “The blood conveys that solemn religious look you want in a sign. Very pious.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And this day shall be for you as a memorial, and you shall celebrate it as a Festivus for the Lord; throughout your generations, you shall celebrate it as an everlasting statue.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry stopped God, saying, “Statute” And God said “What?” And Jerry said “Statute. It’s not a statue”. And God said, “No, statue.” And Jerry said, “Fine. We’ll celebrate it as an everlasting sculpture.” And God called upon George, “Just wait a minute. George, you’re smart, is it statue or statute?” And George responding, saying “Statute.” And God remained incredulous, saying, “Oh, I really think you’re wrong.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But God, undeterred, returned to his instructions. “Throughout your generations, you shall celebrate it as an everlasting statue, like a Joe Mayo party. And as Joe Mayo assigns to each man and to each woman a task at his parties, I will assign to every Israelite a task, like the kids with the questions.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>For seven days you shall eat unleavened cakes, but on the preceding day you shall clear away all leaven from your houses. For whoever eats leaven from the first day until the seventh day, that soul shall be cut off from Israel, even if the unleavened cakes, like the bitter herbs, make that soul thirsty, or if the unleavened cakes make another soul constipated.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And you shall watch over the unleavened cakes, for on this very day I have taken your legions out of the land of Manhattan, and you shall observe this Festivus day throughout your generations, as an everlasting statue.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>On the fourteenth day of the month of Kramerium, in the evening, you shall eat unleavened cakes, until the twenty first day of the month of Kramerium, in the evening.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry summoned all the elders of Israel and said to them, \"Draw forth or buy for yourselves sheep for your families and slaughter the Passover Festivus sacrifice.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And you shall take a fishing rod or a Bruline tennis racquet and immerse it in the blood that is in the basin, and you shall extend to the lintel and to the two doorposts a shtickl of blood that is in the basin, and you shall not go out, any man from the entrance of his house until morning. God’s gonna be doing some lopping.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord will pass to denogginate the Manhattanites, and He will see the blood on the lintel and on the two doorposts, and the Lord will pass over the entrance, and He will not permit any denogginating in your houses.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And you shall keep this matter as a statute for you and for your children forever.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And it shall come to pass when you enter the land that the Lord will give you, as He spoke, that you shall observe this Festivus.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And it will come to pass if your children say to you, ‘What is this service to you?’ </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>You shall say, ‘It is a Passover Festivus to the Lord, for He passed over the houses of the children of Israel in Manhattan when He denogginated the Manhattanites, and He saved our houses. And the people kneeled and prostrated themselves’.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So the children of Israel went and did as the Lord commanded Jerry and George.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>It came to pass at midnight, and the Lord denogginated every firstborn Bubble boy in the land of Manhattan, from the firstborn Bubble Boy of Pharaoh Newman who sits on his throne to the firstborn Bubble Boy of the captive who is in the dungeon, and every firstborn Bubble animal. And no unbubbled son was denogginated.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Pharaoh arose at night, he and all his servants and all the Manhattanites, and there was a great outcry in Manhattan, for there was no house in which no one was denogginated.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So he called for Jerry and George at night, and he said, \"Get the hell outta here! Both you, as well as the children of Israel, and go, worship the Lord as you have spoken.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Take also your chickens and hens and roosters, and also your sheep and rams and ewes, as you have spoken, and go.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So the Manhattanites took hold of the people to hasten to get them the hell out of the land, for they said, \"You guys…You’re not our kinda guys.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The people picked up their dough when it was not yet leavened, their leftovers bound in their garments on their shoulders. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the children of Israel did according to Jerry’s order, and they “borrowed” from the Manhattanites silver objects, golden objects, and garments. And, yes, whenever one of the “borrowed” objects was golden the Israelite would cry out, “It’s gold, Jerry! Gold!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord gave the people favor in the eyes of the Manhattanites, and they “lent” them, and they emptied out Manhattan.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The children of Israel journeyed from Del Boca Vista, Phase 3, located for the purposes of this story, on the Upper West Side, to The corner of First Avenue and First Street, the nexus of the Universe downtown, about six hundred thousand on foot, the men, besides the young children.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And also, a great mixed multitude went up with them, and chickens and hens and roosters, and also sheep and rams and ewes.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>They baked the dough that they had taken out of Manhattan as unleavened cakes, for it had not leavened, for they were driven out of Manhattan. They could not tarry and so they could not stop at Monk’s nor Mendy’s nor The Soup Nazi’s; </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Nor could they stop at Pomodoro’s nor Papaya King nor Reggie’s;</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Nor at Joe’s Fruit Stand nor Schnitzer’s nor H&H bagels;</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Nor at Kenny Rogers Roasters nor Dinky Donuts nor Paisano’s Pizza;</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Nor at Dream Café nor Hop Sing’s nor Top of the Muffin To You!;</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Nor at Hunan 5th Ave nor Pete’s Tavern nor Sardi’s;</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Nor at Pfeiffer’s nor Kady’s nor La Cucina;</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>George did suggest quickly dipping into Poppie’s but Jerry reminded him that Poppie was a little sloppy.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the habitation of the children of Israel, that they dwelled in Manhattan, was four hundred and thirty years.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>It came to pass at the end of four hundred and thirty years, and it came to pass in that very day, that all the legions of the Lord went out of the land of Manhattan.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>It is a night of anticipation for the Lord, to take them out of the land of Manhattan; this night is the Lord's, guarding all the children of Israel throughout their generations.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry and George, \"This is the statue of the Passover Festivus sacrifice: No anti-dentite may partake of it.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And every man's slave, purchased for his money you shall circumcise him, though you may have gotten used to his foreskin; then he will be permitted to partake of it.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>No Latvian Orthodox person nor any member of a group that goes around mutilating squirrels may partake of it. And obviously no pigmen. I don’t mean to be difficult about this, but I’m devout!</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>It must be eaten in one house; you shall not take any of the meat out of the house to the outside, neither shall you break any of its bones. Nor shall you deep fry any part of it in chocolate sauce.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>As for the table setting, use your judgment, save one suggestion. Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table? You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. You can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? Do you?</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The entire community of Israel shall make it. And buddies will sit around chewing kosher for Passover gum. This is what the holiday is all about.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>There shall be one law for the native and for the stranger who resides in your midst. Didn’t I just mention something about owning slaves? Never mind.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And should a convert reside with you, he shall bathe in garlic and vinegar. And he shall make a Passover Festivus sacrifice to the Lord. And he will learn of how The Lord brought forth the children of Israel from bondage, or at least know the basic plot. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>All his males shall be circumcised, and a catered lunch shall be served, and then he may approach to make it, and he will be like the native of the land, but no uncircumcised male may partake of it. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “But I don’t want to be a mohel!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>All the children of Israel did as the Lord had commanded Jerry and George.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>It came to pass on that very day, that the Lord took the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt with their legions.</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Conclusion", "slug": "conclusion" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 309, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 12 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-12", "og:title": "Chapter 12 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-11-1", "title": "Chapter 11", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter Eleven \tThe Lord said to Jerry, \"I will bring one more plague upon Pharaoh and upon Manhattan; afterwards Newman...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter Eleven\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry, \"I will bring one more plague upon Pharaoh and upon Manhattan; afterwards Newman will drive you out of here. He’s an idiot altogether.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Please, speak into the ears of the people, and let them “borrow”, each man from his friend and each woman from her friend, silver vessels and golden vessels. That’s right. Gold, Jerry! Gold!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So the Lord gave the people favor in the Manhattanites’ eyes; also Jerry was highly esteemed in the land of Manhattan – How could anyone not like him?</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry said, \"So said the Lord, Art Vandelay, ‘At the dividing point of the night, I will go out into midtown Manhattan, and every firstborn Bubble Boy in the land of Manhattan will die, from the firstborn Bubble Boy of Pharaoh, who sits on his throne to the firstborn Bubble Boy of the slave woman who is behind the millstones, and every firstborn Bubble animal.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And there will be a great cry throughout the entire land, such as there never has been and such as there shall never be again. They’ll cry, and then they’ll cry again.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But to all the children of Israel, not one dog will whet its tongue against either man or beast, in order that you shall know that the Lord will separate between the Manhattanites and between Israel”. What does dog licking have to do with the slaying of first Bubble boys? That’s what I’d like to know about it.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry, \"Pharaoh will not heed you, in order to increase My miracles in the land of Manhattan.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry and George had performed all these miracles before Pharaoh, but the Lord strengthened Pharaoh's heart, and he did not let the children of Israel out of his land. And Jerry said, “If you strengthen Newman’s heart one more time, I’m gonna completely lose it!!”</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Hallel", "slug": "hallel" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 144, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 11 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-11-1", "og:title": "Chapter 11 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-11-2", "title": "Chapter 11", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter Eleven \tThe Lord said to Jerry, \"I will bring one more plague upon Pharaoh and upon Manhattan; afterwards Newman...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter Eleven\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry, \"I will bring one more plague upon Pharaoh and upon Manhattan; afterwards Newman will drive you out of here. He’s an idiot altogether.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Please, speak into the ears of the people, and let them “borrow”, each man from his friend and each woman from her friend, silver vessels and golden vessels. That’s right. Gold, Jerry! Gold!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So the Lord gave the people favor in the Manhattanites’ eyes; also Jerry was highly esteemed in the land of Manhattan – How could anyone not like him?</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry said, \"So said the Lord, Art Vandelay, ‘At the dividing point of the night, I will go out into midtown Manhattan, and every firstborn Bubble Boy in the land of Manhattan will die, from the firstborn Bubble Boy of Pharaoh, who sits on his throne to the firstborn Bubble Boy of the slave woman who is behind the millstones, and every firstborn Bubble animal.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And there will be a great cry throughout the entire land, such as there never has been and such as there shall never be again. They’ll cry, and then they’ll cry again.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But to all the children of Israel, not one dog will whet its tongue against either man or beast, in order that you shall know that the Lord will separate between the Manhattanites and between Israel”. What does dog licking have to do with the slaying of first Bubble boys? That’s what I’d like to know about it.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry, \"Pharaoh will not heed you, in order to increase My miracles in the land of Manhattan.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry and George had performed all these miracles before Pharaoh, but the Lord strengthened Pharaoh's heart, and he did not let the children of Israel out of his land. And Jerry said, “If you strengthen Newman’s heart one more time, I’m gonna completely lose it!!”</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Bareich", "slug": "bareich" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 241, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 11 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-11-2", "og:title": "Chapter 11 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-8", "title": "Chapter 8", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter Eight \tThen the same thing happened, basically, except with frogs. \tThereupon, Pharaoh Newman summoned Jerry an...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter Eight\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Then the same thing happened, basically, except with frogs. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Thereupon, Pharaoh Newman summoned Jerry and George, and said, \"Entreat the Lord that He remove the frogs from me and from my people, and I will let out the people of Israel so that they may sacrifice to the Lord. Go ahead, Jerry. I’m beggin’ you, Jerry! Please!\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said to Pharaoh, \"You’ve got a little problem.” And Pharaoh fell to his knees and said, “Oh, I’ve got a big problem, Jerry.” And Jerry relented, saying “Alright! Pull yourself together. You’re making me sick! Be a man!</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>We’ll do it, but only so that you should know that there is none like the Lord, our God, Art Vandelay. Got it?”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry and George went away from Newman, and Jerry cried out to the Lord concerning the frogs that He had brought upon Newman.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the Lord said, “You promised what?!” And Jerry said, “No good?” And God said, “No. Not good. You know what kind of job that is?” </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But God relented. And God said said to George, “You shall rid the land of the frogs.” And George was seized fear with and said, “Why me, Oh Lord?” And God said, “Because Jerry told me you were a marine biologist.” And George was getting frustrated.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And George said to Jerry “A marine biologist? Why am I a marine biologist?” And Jerry replied, “I may have mentioned it.” And George said, But I'm not a marine biologist!” to which Jerry replied, “I'm aware of that. You don't think it's a good job?” And George said “I didn’t think it was a job.” And Jerry did enlighten George saying, “Oh. It's a fascinating field!” And George exclaimed, “Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect”. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God grew bored of this meaningless conversation and instead called upon Carl the exterminator, and not just because he was black. And Carl did exterminate the frogs from the apartments, and from the clubs, and from the gymnasia, and from the restaurants throughout Manhattan so that they were found once more only in the Hudson, mostly dead like the fish.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Manhattanites gathered them into many heaps, and the land smelled. Smelled bad. Really bad. Worse than BO, Beyond BO, BBO. The dead frogs funkified the whole place.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Newman again hardened his arteries, and he did not hearken to them, not so much because of the stench, but mostly because he was a big phony.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And so now with the lice. George. Pez, Lice. And Jerry spoke unto the Pharaoh, saying, “You know Newman, the thing about lice is that they irritate the skin and they start to itch. Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because they're crawling, crawling on your skin. Up your legs, up your spine, up your back....”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But though Newman was rife with lice, his heart remained steadfast, and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord had spoken.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the Lord said to Moses, \"Arise early in the morning and stand before Pharaoh, behold, he is going out to the water, and you shall say to him, 'So said the Lord, Art Vandelay \"Let My people go out and serve Me”.’.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “Another pee party?”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God said, “Don’t bring me down…I lost my train of thought.” And Jerry prompted God saying “Let my people go out and serve me…”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God did regain his train of thought, “Right. For if you do not let My people go, behold, I will incite against you and against your servants and against your people and in your houses a mixture of noxious creatures…”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry again interrupted, “noxious creatures?” And God said, “Yeah. noxious creatures.” And Jerry said, “Well, what kind of noxious creatures? And God said, “Trust me. I will give you the Kavorka.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “I know not of this Kavorka of which you speak.” And God said, “It is a Latvian word. It means ‘the lure of the animal’. The place will be crawling with them. But only in the WASPy neighborhoods, and not where the Mahjong and Pinochle games are played, in order that Newman will know that I am the Lord.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And The Lord did so, and the animals - some noxious, some not so much - were lured and came to Pharaoh's house and the land was destroyed because of the noxious creatures and the shit they did produce.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Thereupon, Newman summoned Jerry and George, and he said, \"I will let you go out for a long weekend, and you will sacrifice to the Lord, your God, Art Vandelay, in the desert, if you put in a good word for me.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So Jerry went away from Pharaoh and entreated the Lord.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the Lord did according to Jerry’s word, and He removed noxious creatures from Pharaoh and from his people and he left the shit for the Manhattanites to shovel.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But – big surprise - Pharaoh hardened his arteries this time also, and he did not let the people go.</li>\n</ol>\n\n", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Shulchan Oreich", "slug": "shulchan-oreich" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 252, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 8 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-8", "og:title": "Chapter 8 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-7-1", "title": "Chapter 7", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter Seven \tThe Lord said to Jerry, “You shall speak all that I command you,” but because of the no hearken concern,...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter Seven\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry, “You shall speak all that I command you,” but because of the no hearken concern, Jerry did challenge George to choose him for it. And Jerry was odds. And George was evens. And on the fourth and final choose, Jerry shot a two and George shot a one. And Jerry was victorious. And he chose not to talk to Newman. And God said, “Fine. Whatever. Will one of you just speak to Newman, that he let the children of Israel out of his land?!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But I will harden Newman’s cardiac arteries, and I will increase My signs and My wonders in the land of Manhattan.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “Let me get this straight. You want us to ask Newman to free the children of Israel. Then, you will make him NOT free the children of Israel. And Then you’ll use your signs and wonders so he WILL free the children of Israel… Yeah, that’s normal.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>God, wanting to be really, really clear about this, repeated himself, yet again, “Newman will not hearken to you, and I will lay My hand upon the Manhattanites, and I will take My legions, My people, the children of Israel, out of Manhattan with great judgments.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “Oh yeah. I like this idea.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And despite the sarcasm, Jerry and George did as the Lord commanded them. And George confessed to Jerry saying, “I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry was eighty years old, and George was eighty-three years old when they spoke to Newman.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord spoke to Jerry and George, saying, \"When Newman speaks to you, saying, 'Provide a sign for yourselves,' do the Pez/snake thing.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Thereupon, Jerry and George came to Newman, and they did so, as the Lord had commanded, the Pez/snake thing.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Then, Newman too summoned the wise men and the magicians, and the necromancers of Manhattan and they too had Pez dispensers (though no Tweety Birds). </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Each one of them cast down his Pez, and they became serpents; but the Tweety Bird Pez serpents swallowed their Pez serpents.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But Newman’s heart remained steadfast, and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord had spoken. No heark.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry, \"Newman’s heart is heavy – OK, all of Newman is heavy – he has refused to let the people out. And Jerry said, “Yeah. We know. You told us that was going to happen. Can we move along in the story please?”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God strongly suggested, “Go to Newman in the morning; behold, he is going forth to the water, and you shall stand opposite him on the bank of the Hudson.” And Jerry protested saying, “Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party”.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>God pretended not to hear that and went on, “You shall say to him, 'The Lord God of the Hebrews, Art Vandelay, sent me to you, saying, \"Send forth My people, so that they may serve Me in the desert,\" but behold, until now, you have not hearkened.” And George leaned into Jerry and whispered, “Again with the hearken.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And so God told Jerry to tell George to tell Newman that God told Jerry to tell Newman, \"With this you will know that I am the Lord.\" Behold, I will smite with the Pez that is in my hand upon the water that is in the Hudson, and it will turn to blood.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the fish that are in the Hudson will die, and the Hudson will become putrid, and the Manhattanites will weary in their efforts to drink water from the Hudson.” Whereupon George said, “I hate to break it to you, Lord, but the fish in the Hudson are already dead, and the Manhattanites aren’t exactly falling all over each other to drink the water.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry, \"Tell George, 'Take your Pez and stretch forth your hand over the waters of Manhattan, over their rivers, over their indoor pools, over their outdoor pools, over their baths and bidets, and over all their bodies of water, and they will become blood, and there will be blood throughout the entire land of Manhattan. It’s all pipes.” But Jerry had taken off the first time he heard God say the word ‘Blood’.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>George did as the Lord had commanded, and he raised the Pez and struck the water that was in the Hudson before the eyes of Newman and before the eyes of all the postmen, and all the water that was in the Hudson turned to blood.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the fish that were in the Hudson remained dead, and the Hudson remained putrid; the Manhattanites could not drink water, but only of Hennigan’s.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the necromancers of Manhattan did likewise with their secret rites and one even did dove tricks, and Newman’s heart was steadfast, and he did not heed them, as the Lord had spoken. So really, what was the point?</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Koreich", "slug": "koreich" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 233, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 7 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-7-1", "og:title": "Chapter 7 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-6-1", "title": "Chapter 6", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter Six \tAnd the Lord said unto Jerry, \"Now just you wait and see what I’ll do to Newman…yada, yada…covenant…yada, y...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter Six\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the Lord said unto Jerry, \"Now just you wait and see what I’ll do to Newman…yada, yada…covenant…yada, yada…bondage…yada, yada… outstretched arm and with great judgments…yada, yada… and you will know that I am the Lord your God, who has brought you out from under the burdens of the Manhattanites”.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So Jerry spoke thus to the children of Israel of the bondage and of the freeing, but they did not hearken to Jerry because, really, who has the time?</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord spoke to Jerry, saying, “Come, speak to Newman, and he will let the children of Israel out of his land.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But Jerry spoke before the Lord, saying, \"Behold, the children of Israel did not hearken to me. How then will Newman hearken to me, seeing that I am of closed lips? No hearkening.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So the Lord spoke to Jerry and to George, and He commanded them concerning the children of Israel and concerning Newman, to let the children of Israel out of the land of Manhattan. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said “Why me, Lord?” And God said “Because that’s your thing.” And Jerry said, “What? Calling Pharaohs I hardly know, and demanding they release their slaves? That’s my thing?” And God said, “Yeah. That’s your thing.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>These are the heads of the fathers’ houses: Yada, Yada and Yada…</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Rachtzah", "slug": "rachtzah" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 249, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 6 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-6-1", "og:title": "Chapter 6 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-5", "title": "Chapter 5", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter Five \tAnd afterwards, Jerry and George came and said to Newman, \"Hello Newman. So said the Lord God of Israel, '...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter Five\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And afterwards, Jerry and George came and said to Newman, \"Hello Newman. So said the Lord God of Israel, 'Send out My people, and let them sacrifice to Me in the desert'. \"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Newman said, “Hello Jerry. Who is the Lord that I should heed His voice to let Israel out? I do not know the Lord, neither will I let Israel out.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And they said, \"Art Vandelay, The God of the Hebrews has happened upon us. Now let us go on a three-day journey in the desert and sacrifice to the Lord our God, lest He strike us with a plague or with the sword.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But the king of Manhattan said to them, \"Why, Jerry and George, do you disturb the people from their work making bagels? Go to your own labors.\" Then they all got into this whole thing about importing and exporting, with Newman refusing to import more seeds - neither poppy, nor sesame - yet demanding that the Hebrews export more bagels.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Newman’s taskmasters and postmasters noodged the Hebrews and did heckle them with lines that were so played and hacky. And they did insult the Hebrews, remarking that their furniture was so un-Karl Farbman-like.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the elders of the children of Israel came to Jerry and George and they said, “Thanks a lot, bigmouths!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said “What? What did we do?” and the elders of the children of Israel told of Newman’s hocking. And Jerry said unto God, “That’s just great.”</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Ten Plagues", "slug": "ten-plagues" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 262, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 5 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-5", "og:title": "Chapter 5 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-1", "title": "Chapter 1", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter one 1 And these are the names of the sons of Israel who came to the New York Metropolitan area with Jacob...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter one \n\n\n\n1 And these are the names of the sons of Israel who came to the New York Metropolitan area with Jacob, each man and his household came: \n\n\n\n2 Reuben, Simeon, and Judah.\n\n\n\n3 Issachar, Zebulun and Benjamin… \n\n\n\n4 Yada, Yada and Yada…\n\n\n\n7 The children of Israel were fruitful, as few were sponge-worthy, and swarmed and increased and became very very strong, particularly the Mandlebaums, and the land became filled with them.\n\n\n\n8 A new Crazy pharaoh, Joe Davola, arose over Manhattan, who did not know about Superman or cereal or anything.\n\n\n\n9 He said to his people, “Behold, though 95% of the people of the children of Israel are undatable(!) they are more numerous and stronger than we are.\n\n\n\n11 So they appointed over them tax collectors and library cops to afflict them with their burdens, and they built two retirement condominium complexes for Pharaoh, namely Phase II of the Pines of Mar Gables, and Del Boca Vista, Phase III. \n\n\n\n12 But as much as they would afflict them, so did they multiply, as there were no sponges left in all of Manhattan, and so did they gain strength, not just the Mandlebaums, and the Manhattanites were disgusted because of the children of Israel.\n\n\n\n13 So the Manhattanites, all anti-dentite bastards, enslaved the children of Israel with back-breaking labor.\n\n\n\n14 And they embittered their lives with hard labor – the maid did little, the pool guy did not replace the towels, no butlers were decreed – and they pretty much had to do most of the cleaning themselves.\n\n\n\n15 Now Crazy Joe Davola spoke to the Hebrew midwives, one who was named Mulva, and the second, who was named Man Hands.\n\n\n\n16 And he said, “When you deliver the Hebrew women, if it is a son, you shall put him to death, but if it is a daughter, she may live.” He was a bit of a crazy-talker.\n\n\n\n17 The midwives, however, feared God; so they did not do as Crazy Joe Davola had spoken to them, but they enabled the boys to live.\n\n\n\n18 Yada, yada, yada…\n\n \n\n22 And Pharaoh Joe commanded all his people, saying, “Every Hebrew son who is born you shall cast into the East River, and every daughter you shall allow to live on the Upper West Side.", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Exodus Story", "slug": "exodus-story" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 252, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 1 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-1", "og:title": "Chapter 1 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "ehad-mi-yodea-1", "title": "Ehad Mi Yodea", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "אֶחָד מִי יוֹדֵעַ אֶחָד מִי יוֹדֵעַ? אֶחָד אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ. אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ. שְׁנַיִם מִי יוֹדֵע...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "\n\nאֶחָד מִי יוֹדֵעַ\n\nאֶחָד מִי יוֹדֵעַ? אֶחָד אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ. אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nשְׁנַיִם מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁנַיִם אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ. שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nשְׁלשָׁה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁלשָׁה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nאַרְבַּע מִי יוֹדֵעַ? אַרְבַּע אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nחֲמִשָׁה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? חֲמִשָׁה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nשִׁשָּׁה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שִׁשָּׁה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nשִׁבְעָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שִׁבְעָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\n שְׁמוֹנָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁמוֹנָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁמוֹנָ \n\nיְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nתִּשְׁעָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? תִּשְׁעָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nעֲשָׂרָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? עֲשָׂרָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nאַחַד עָשָׂר מִי יוֹדֵעַ? אַחַד עָשָׂר אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: אַחַד עָשָׂר כּוֹכְבַיָּא, עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nשְׁנֵים עָשָׂר מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר שִׁבְטַיָא, אַחַד עָשָׂר כּוֹכְבַיָּא, עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\nשְׁלשָׁה עָשָׂר מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁלשָׁה עָשָׂר אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁלשָׁה עָשָׂר מִדַּיָא, שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר שִׁבְטַיָא, אַחַד עָשָׂר כּוֹכְבַיָּא, עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\n \n\n Echad mi yode’a? Echad ani yode’a: echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Shnayim mi yode’a? Shnayim ani yode’a: shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Shloshah mi yode’a? Shloshah ani yode’a: shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Arba mi yode’a? Arba ani yode’a: arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Chamishah mi yode’a? Chamishah ani yode’a: chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Shishah mi yode’a? Shishah ani yode’a: shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Shiv’ah mi yode’a? Shiv’ah ani yode’a: shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Shmonah mi yode’a? Shmonah ani yode’a: shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnailuchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Tishah mi yode’a? Tishah ani yode’a: tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Asarah mi yode’a? Asarah ani yode’a: asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Echad asar mi yode’a? Echad asar ani yode’a: echad asar kochvaya, asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Shnaim asar mi yode’a? Shnaim asar ani yode’a: shnaim asar shivtaiya, echad asar kochvaya, asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n Shloshah asar mi yode’a? Shloshah asar ani yode’a: shloshah asar midaiya, shnaim asar shivtaiya, echad asar kochvaya, asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz. ", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Commentary / Readings", "slug": "commentary-readings" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 253, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Ehad Mi Yodea | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/ehad-mi-yodea-1", "og:title": "Ehad Mi Yodea | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-4-1", "title": "Chapter 4", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter 4 1 Jerry answered and said, \"Behold they will not believe me, and they will not heed my voice, but they will...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter 4\n\n\n\n1 Jerry answered and said, \"Behold they will not believe me, and they will not heed my voice, but they will say, 'The Lord has not appeared to you’. \"\n\n\n\n2 And the Lord said to him, \"What do you have in your puffy shirt?\" And he said, \"Nothing.” And God said “Jerry, you’re obviously lying. I can plainly see you have something in your puffy shirt.” \n\n\n\n3 And God said, \"take it out,\" “It?” “It.” “out?” “out.” And so Jerry did reluctantly show God the Tweety Bird Pez dispenser he was indeed concealing in his puffy shirt, and lo it did need air.\n\n\n\n4 And God said, “Cast the Pez to the ground” and Jerry cast it to the ground, and it became a serpent, and Jerry fled from before it, like the time he found a hair in his farina and freaked out.\n\n\n\n4 And the Lord said to Jerry, \"Stretch forth your hand and take hold of its tail.\" So Jerry stretched forth his hand and grasped it, though he did crinkle his face up and held the serpent as far from himself as possible, and it again became a Tweety Bird Pez dispenser in his hand.\n\n\n\n6 And the Lord said further to him, \"Your hands, they’re quite exquisite. They are so soft and milky white. Now put your hand into your bosom. No the other one.\" and he put his hand into his bosom, and he took it out, and behold, his hand had a discoloration on it, also white, but not of the milky kind.\n\n\n\n7 And God said, \"Put your hand back into your bosom. No the other one.\" And he put his hand back into his bosom, and when he took it out of his bosom, lo there was no white discoloration, only an exquisite, milky white hand, like the other one.\n\n\n\n8 “And it will come to pass, if they do not believe either of these two signs, and they do not heed your voice, you shall take of the water of the Hudson and spill it upon the dry land, and the water that you take from the Hudson will become Snapple on the dry land.\"\n\n\n\n9 Jerry said to the Lord, \"I beseech You, O Lord. I am not a man of words, Yea, a bit of a lispy-talker.”\n\n\n\n10 But the Lord said to him, \"Who gave man a mouth, or who makes one dumb or deaf or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? And Jerry said, “Get out!! I was just talking about that to my friends the other day; if it would be better to date the deaf or the blind. Now I said the deaf because – “\n\n\n\n12 So now, go! I will be with your mouth, and I will instruct you what you shall speak. \"\n\n\n\n13 But Jerry said, \"I beseech You, O Lord, send now your message with another whom You would send.\"\n\n\n\n14 And The Lord said, “God is getting upset! Is there not George your brother, the Levite? I know that he will surely speak, and behold, he is coming forth toward you, and when he sees you, he will rejoice in his heart. And Jerry said, “I don’t know so much about ‘rejoice’.”\n\n\n\n15 “You shall speak to him, and you shall put the words into his mouth, and I will be with your mouth and with his mouth, and I will instruct you both what you shall do.”\n\n\n\n16 “Whose mouth now?”\n\n\n\n17 And God had an idea and said, “I just had a great idea. You will speak and George will speak for you, to the people, and it will be that he will be your speaker, and you will be his leader.”\n\n\n\n18 “So you want him to read my lips? He’s not a novelty act, God. Where you hire him out for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.”\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God said, “Look. It’s a skill just like juggling. He probably enjoys showing it off.” But Jerry remained unconvinced. The Lord continued, “Could you ask him? Just ask him. If he says no, case closed.” And George came forth and said, “Sure. I’ll do it.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God commanded Jerry, “You shall take this Pez dispenser in your hand, with which you shall perform the signs.\" And Jerry, again with the nose crinkling bemoaned, “But it’s been on the floor!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry went and returned to Frank, his father in law, and he said to him, \"Let me go now and return to my brothers who are in Manhattan, and let me see whether they are still alive.\" So Frank said to Moses, \"Ach! Get the hell outta here!!\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry in Queens, \"Go, return to Manhattan, for all the people who sought your life have died or moved to Jersey.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So Jerry took his wife and his sons, mounted them upon the Saab, and he returned to the land of Manhattan, and Jerry took the Pez dispenser of God in his milky white hand.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to Jerry, \"When you go to return to Manhattan, see all the sights! I mean all the signs! Signs… see all the signs that I have placed in your milky white hand and perform them before Newman, but I will harden his coronary arteries, and he will not send out the people.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And you shall say to Newman, 'So said the Lord, Art Vandelay, \"My firstborn son is Israel”.'</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So I say to you, 'Send out My son so that he will worship Me, but if you refuse to send him out, behold, I am going to slay your firstborn son, the Bubble Boy.' \"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Now Jerry was on the way, staying at The Plaza, humming “Master of the house, keeper of the Inn…” when the Lord met him and sought to put him to death.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Elaine took a sharp stone and severed her son's foreskin - which to her had no face, no personality - and cast it to Jerry’s feet, and she said, \"For you are a bridegroom of blood to me.<a href=\"#_ftn1\">[1]</a>\" Jerry said, “First of all, what the hell does that mean? Second, I’m dying here and you’re throwing a spontaneous bris? You’re no mohel, Shakey.” </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God said “Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry, 'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your child 'cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane?!!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So God released Jerry. Then Elaine said, \"A bridegroom of blood concerning the circumcision.\" And under his breath, Jerry said “I still don’t know what that means.” </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord said to George, \"Go toward Jerry, to the desert.\" And George Replied, “I am down. Mark me down!” So he went and met him on the mount of God, and he kissed him, not that there’s anything wrong with that.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry mouthed George all the words of the Lord with which He had sent him and all the signs that He had commanded him.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n33 So Jerry and George went, and they assembled all the elders of the children of Israel. And George did read his lips and spoke most the words that the Lord had spoken to Jerry, messing up only one or two - ok maybe more than two, but they got the gist of it - and he performed the signs before the eyes of the people.\n\n\n\n34 And the people believed, and they heard that the Lord, Art Vandelay, had remembered the children of Israel and that He saw their affliction, and they kneeled and prostrated themselves and said “You are a very good man.” And Jerry thought to himself, “Yes, I am a good man. A very, very good man.”\n\n<div> \n<hr />\n<div>\n<a href=\"#_ftnref1\">[1]</a> Zipporah immediately understood that the threat was related to circumcision, by a \"psychoanalytic link\" between Jerry’s penis and his son's, the ambiguous use of pronouns taken by Haberman (2003) as indicating the fundamental identity of the deity, her husband and her son in the woman's subconscious. Bonna Devora Haberman, 'Foreskin sacrifice - Zipporah's Ritual and the Bloody Bridegroom' in: The covenant of circumcision: new perspectives on an ancient Jewish rite, Brandeis series on Jewish women, ed. Mark, UPNE, 2003, <a href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Standard_Book_Number\">ISBN</a> <a href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/978-1-58465-307-3\">978-1-58465-307-3</a>, 18-42. \"Like Eve, Zipporah tangles her references to her son, her lover and God. ... Male figures coalesce in Eve['s] and Zipporah's consciousness.\"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n</div>\n</div>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Rachtzah", "slug": "rachtzah" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 299, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 4 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-4-1", "og:title": "Chapter 4 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-3", "title": "Chapter 3", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter 3 \tJerry was pasturing the roosters and the hens and the chickens of Frank, his father-in-law, the chief of Quee...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter 3\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry was pasturing the roosters and the hens and the chickens of Frank, his father-in-law, the chief of Queens, and he led the poultry to the free pastureland, and he came to the mountain of God, just a couple of blocks up from Famous Original Ray’s Pizza off of Rockaway beach.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>An angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire from within the thorn bush, and behold, the bush was burning like a urinating man with gonorrhea. But unlike a ’47 cabin, the bush was not burned.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So Jerry said, “Let me now see this great spectacle, why does the bush not burn. This should be fun.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord saw that Jerry had turned to see, and God – a bit of a burning-bush talker - called to him from within the bush, and He said, \"Jerry! Hello!!\" And Jerry said, \"Here I am! What are you doing? You can’t have angles shoving themselves into 600 degree bushes!” And God said, “It’s all supervised.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n5 And God said, \"Do not draw near here. Take your shoes off your feet, because the place upon which you stand is holy soil.\" But Jerry refused, saying “Between you and me, God, I think I’ve got a foot odor problem.” But God insisted, speaking in a tongue unfamiliar to Jerry and said, “Eno Enoa Juang.” \n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “Oh Lord, I do not understand.” And God replied, “It’s Korean. It means ‘This guy…this is not my kind of guy’.” But Jerry protested saying “No, God, I am your kind of guy, though between you and me I think I think you are placing a lot of importance on shoe removal”. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry was ashamed in the eyes of God and removed his shoes, though he muttered “You don’t have to make a federal case out of it,” as if God didn’t have super-human hearing. But God let it slide.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And He said, \"I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.\" And Moses hid his face because he was afraid to look toward God. But he felt a poke and he took a peak.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the Lord said, \"I have surely seen the affliction of My people who are in Manhattan, and I have heard their cries because of their slave drivers and the difficulty finding a decent parking spot and the ridiculously high rents, for I know their pains.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>I have descended to rescue them from the hands of the oppressive Manhattanites and to bring them up from that land, to a good and spacious land, to a land flowing with milk and honey.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li> To the place of the Miami-ites and the Lauderdalians; the West Palm Beachniks and the Bal Harborians; the Sarasota-ites and the Tampa-Saint Pederasts. And the Moops.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And My people the children of Israel will be Masters of their Domain.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So now come and take My people…please - That Henny Youngman cracks me up. Is he still alive? - No, seriously. Take My people out of Manhattan.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But Jerry said to God, \"Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh Newman, and that I should take the children of Israel out of Manhattan?\" And God replied “Ted Danson wasn’t available.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry said to God, \"Behold I shall come to the children of Israel, and I shall say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you’, and they shall say to me, 'What is His name?' What shall I say to them?\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>God said to Moses, “Tell them to call me ‘I Will Be What I Will Be’.\" And Jerry smirked and said “Yeah, that’ll go over really well.” And God said “What? No good?!” And Jerry questioned God saying, “I Will Be What I Will Be?! What does that even mean?” And God challenged Jerry saying, “What? And you could do better? And Jerry sniggered saying, “Well I think I can do better than that.” </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God grew annoyed and said “Fine. Call me whatever the hell you want. Just go, already!“ And Jerry said, “How about Art Cor…velay?” And God said, “Get the hell outta here!” And Jerry countered, saying, “Vandelay?” And God heard that it was good, well not good but adequate, and he said, “Giddyup!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry turned, but God cried after him, “And don’t forget the part about ‘surely remembering them and what is being done to them’ -“ And Jerry cut him off saying, “Yeah, I got it. You remembered.” But God continued, “and tell them ‘I will bring you up out of the affliction of the’-“ And Jerry grew irritated, saying “Yeah. Milk. Honey. I got it!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But The Lord God of the Hebrews would not Yada Yada. He went on, “And they will hearken to your voice, and you shall come, you and the elders of Israel, to Newman, and you shall say to him, 'The Lord God of the Hebrews, Art Vandelay, has happened upon us, and now, let us go for a three days' journey in the desert and offer up sacrifices to the Lord, our God’.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry was unimpressed. “The desert? Three days?” And God said, “It’s a dry heat. You can clean house a little bit,” signifying not a scratch of the nose, but a pick therein.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry took the opportunity to remark on God’s habit of referring to himself in the third person saying, “You know, I’ve never heard anyone talk the way you do. It’s very unusual.” And The Lord said, “Well, God is very unusual.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God got back to the business at hand saying, “However, I know that Newman will not permit you to go, except through a mighty hand.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And I will stretch forth My hand and smite the Manhattanites with all My miracles that I will wreak in their midst, and afterwards he will send you out”.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “Smite? Don’t you think that’s coming on a little too strong? Isn’t that like a turn-off?” And God did roll his eyes and say, “Jerry. He’s a GUY.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n \n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God said, “And it will come to pass that when you go, you will not go empty handed. Each woman shall “borrow” from her neighbor, silver and gold objects and you shall empty out Manhattan. Gold, Jerry! Gold!”</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Ten Plagues", "slug": "ten-plagues" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 195, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 3 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-3", "og:title": "Chapter 3 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-2", "title": "Chapter 2", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter Two \tA man of the house of Seinfeld went and married a daughter of Seinfeld. \tThe woman conceived and bore a son...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "\n\n\n\nChapter Two\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>A man of the house of Seinfeld went and married a daughter of Seinfeld.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The woman conceived and bore a son, and when she saw him that he was good – how could anyone not like him? – she hid him for three months.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>When she could no longer hide him, she placed him in a men’s carryall made of reeds – it was European – and put it onto the banks of the Hudson around 86th street.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>His sister, Suzie<a href=\"#_ftn1\">[1]</a>, stood across the street in the Brentano’s to know what would be done to him.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Pharaoh’s daughter Sue Ellen Mischke Davola, who had great shiksappeal and wore only a sheath bodice as a top, went down to the Hudson to bathe, and her maidens were walking along the Hudson, and she saw the European carryall, and sent her BM (Beautiful Maidservant), and she took it. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>She opened it, and she saw him the child, and behold, he was a weeping lad – salty discharge poured from his eyes – and she had compassion on him, and she said, “This is one of the children of the Hebrews.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Suzie crossed over from the Brentano’s and said to Sue Ellen Mischke Davola, “Shall I go and call for you a wet nurse from the Hebrew women, so that she shall nurse the child for you?”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Sue Ellen Mischke Davola said to her, “Go! Get the hell outta here!” so the girl went and called Mrs. Seinfeld. While she waited for Suzie to return Sue Ellen asked of her BM, “You know about wet nursing and all? They have different sizes…”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And though the BM assured Sue Ellen that she was familiar with the various sizes as she herself had breasts, Sue Ellen enumerated them saying, “You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest”. And the maidens were very uncomfortable. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>As they waited longer, Sue Ellen commented on the daughter of Israel’s sloth saying, “How long does it take to find a Hebrew wet nurse? You ask me to get a sheath bodice, I’m back in two seconds.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Suzie returned with Mrs. Seinfeld and Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Take this child and nurse him for me, and I will give you your wages.” So the woman took the child and nursed him but refused the wages even though she was on a very fixed income. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Pharaoh’s daughter said, “Here. If anybody asks you where you got it, you don't know”. The Hebrew woman again refused saying, “No, that's ok, I really don't need any money.” Pharaoh’s daughter did not understand, “What are you talking about? I want to -” But the Hebrew-ite would not allow her to finish, saying, “It’s not necessary.” “Daughter of Israel, would you just please take it.” “I can’t. I can’t take it”, said the child’s mother. “I want you to have it.” “I don’t want to have it.” “Take the money!” “I don’t want it!”. And The maidens were very uncomfortable.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The child grew up, and his mother brought him to Pharaoh’s daughter Sue Ellen Mischke Davola, and he became like her son. For the purposes of this story, she named him JERry, and she said, “For I might as well have picked him up at the JERk store.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Now it came to pass that in those days that Jerry grew up and went out to his brothers and looked at their burdens and he said, “That’s a shame.” But he saw a Manhattanite man striking a Hebrew man of his brothers.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>He turned this way and that way, really hoping someone else would deal with the situation, and he saw that there was no man; “That’s fantastic,” he said, as though he were speaking to no man, only to himself, in a kind of sarcastic tone, as though he would rather not get involved at all if he could avoid it. But he could not avoid it. So he struck the Manhattanite to the ground. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Manhattanite did then look up at Jerry and beseeched of him, “I'll be lying here on the street in this neighborhood and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point?” Jerry struck the Manhattanite a second time and concealed him in the trunk of his Saab chariot. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>He went out on the second day, and behold, two Hebrew men were quarreling, and he said to the one called Bob Sacamano, “Why are you going to strike your friend, Lomez?”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And he retorted, “Who made you a man, a prince, and a judge over us? Do you plan to slay me as you have slain the Manhattanite? Jerry, knowing full well that he was not a man, became frightened and said, “Indeed, the matter has become known!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Crazy Joe Davola heard of this incident, and he sought to slay Jerry; so Jerry fled from Crazy Joe. He stayed in the land of Queens, and he sat down at a diner.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Now the chief of Queens, Frank Costanza, had seven daughters. And they came and drew prune juice for their father, and they filled their troughs to water his hens, and his chickens and his roosters.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible drove them away; so Jerry arose and rescued them and watered their roosters, and their chickens and their hens.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>They came to their father Frank, and he said, “Why have you returned so quickly today?”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And they replied, “A Manhattanite man rescued us from the hands of a pack of wild teenagers in a convertible, and he also drew water for us and watered the hens, and the chickens and the roosters.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Mr. Costanza said to his daughters, “So, where is he? Why have you left the man? DE-LIV-ER HIM TO ME. You think you can handle that? Invite him, and let him eat of marble rye”. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And six of the daughters searched for Jerry in the fields and in the diners. And Frank grew impatient and remarked to his eldest daughter, Elaine, “You ask me to get a man’s girdle<a href=\"#_ftn2\">[2]</a>, I’m back in two seconds.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The daughters returned with Jerry who consented to stay with Mr. Costanza, and Frank gave his eldest daughter Elaine to Jerry.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>She bore a son, and Jerry named him Golden Boy, for he said, “I have a t-shirt I also call Golden Boy, and it’s my best one.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Now it came to pass in those many days that the king of Manhattan, Crazy Joe Davola, died, and the children of Israel sighed from the labor, and they cried out “Oh hey! If you happen to see, the most beautiful girl, who walked out on me…tell her I’m sorry…tell her I need my baby, Oh…” And their cry ascended to God from the labor.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God heard their cry and…yada, yada, yada…</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n<div> \n<hr />\n<div>\n<a href=\"#_ftnref1\">[1]</a> Ibn Ezra warns us to not call her Suze.\n</div>\n\n<div>\n<a href=\"#_ftnref2\">[2]</a> Rambam preferred to call it a ‘Bro’, while Ramban liked ‘Mansiere’.\n</div>\n</div>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Exodus Story", "slug": "exodus-story" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 282, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 2 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-2", "og:title": "Chapter 2 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "in-every-generation-9", "title": "In Every Generation. . .", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Elaine: Do you want to read to read The Hagaddah? Puddy: Nah. Elaine: Well, are you going to prepare the Seder table or...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Elaine: Do you want to read to read The Hagaddah?\n\nPuddy: Nah.\n\nElaine: Well, are you going to prepare the Seder table or --\n\nPuddy: Nah, I’m good.\n\nElaine: You're just going to recline there, staring into space?\n\nPuddy: Yeah that’s right.\n\nElaine: That's it! I cannot take this! I mean, look at this, nothing has changed. We were freed from bondage over three thousand years ago and we’re having the same problems we had as slaves almost 4000 years ago!\n\nPuddy: Tell me about it, I don't know why we even have these stupid seders!\n\nElaine: Please! You’re here for the charoset. You know it, I know it, kosher for Passover lasagna here knows it.\n\nKosher for Passover Lasagna: I don't want to get involved.\n\nElaine: Ugh, I hope a The Red Sea unparts on us and we just end this whole thing!\n\nKosher for Passover Lasagna: Oh God…Wait…Perhaps Mr. Puddy is onto something. When mindlessly squinting into the abyss, he can take the opportunity to contemplate what it might feel like to be a slave and then become a free man. As it is written, “In every generation, each person must regard himself or herself as if he or she had come out of Egypt.”\n\nPuddy: Alright! High Five!\n\nElaine: That’s just Grrreat!!\n\n\n\n", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Songs", "slug": "songs" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 280, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "In Every Generation. . . | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/in-every-generation-9", "og:title": "In Every Generation. . . | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "alternate-seinfeld-plagues", "title": "Alternate Seinfeld Plagues.", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "1 Muffin bottoms 2 Phusilli Pharaoh 3 The Kavorka 4 Frozen tofu yogurt 5 BB...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "1 Muffin bottoms\n\n2 Phusilli Pharaoh\n\n3 The Kavorka\n\n4 Frozen tofu yogurt\n\n5 BBO (Beyond BO)\n\n6 Regifting\n\n7 Poisoned envelopes \n\n8 The English Patient \n\n9 Jambalaya\n\n10 The Killing of the first Bubble Boy\n\n", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": "Inspired by the show Seinfeld", "featured": 1, "featuredIn": { "title": "Comedy Seder", "slug": "comedy-seder", "author": "Haggadot" }, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Ten Plagues", "slug": "ten-plagues" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 462, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Alternate Seinfeld Plagues. | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. 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Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "order-of-the-passover-seder", "title": "Order of the Passover Seder", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Kadesh, urchatz, karpas, yachatz, maggid, rachtzah, motzi-matzah, maror, koreich, shulchan oreich, tzafun bareich, halle...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Kadesh, urchatz, karpas, yachatz, maggid, rachtzah, motzi-matzah, maror, koreich, shulchan oreich, tzafun bareich, hallel, nirtzah.", "cliptype": "image", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/186694/Screen-Shot-2019-04-16-at-9.11.21-AM.png", "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/186694/conversions/Screen-Shot-2019-04-16-at-9.11.21-AM-cover.jpg", "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Introduction", "slug": "introduction" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 269, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Order of the Passover Seder | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. 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Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/shehecheyanu-39", "og:title": "Shehecheyanu | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/186699/conversions/Screen-Shot-2019-04-16-at-9.13.39-AM-cover.jpg" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "avadim-hayinu-2024", "title": "Avadim Hayinu", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Maggid – Exodus Story עֲבָדִים הָיִינו עֲבָדִים הָיִינוּ לְפַרְעֹה בְּמִצְרָיִם, וַיּוֹצִיאֵנוּ יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מִשָּׁם בּ...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "<div>\n<div>\nMaggid – Exodus Story\n\nעֲבָדִים הָיִינו\n\nעֲבָדִים הָיִינוּ לְפַרְעֹה בְּמִצְרָיִם, וַיּוֹצִיאֵנוּ יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מִשָּׁם בְּיָד חֲזָקָה וּבִזְרוֹעַ נְטוּיָה. וְאִלּוּ לֹא הוֹצִיא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא אֶת אֲבוֹתֵינוּ מִמִּצְרָיִם, הֲרֵי אָנוּ וּבָנֵינוּ וּבְנֵי בָנֵינוּ מְשֻׁעְבָּדִים הָיִינוּ לְפַרְעֹה בְּמִצְרָיִם. וַאֲפִילוּ כֻּלָנוּ חֲכָמִים, כֻּלָנוּ נְבוֹנִים, כֻּלָנוּ זְקֵנִים, כֻּלָנוּ יוֹדְעִים אֶת הַתּוֹרָה, מִצְוָה עָלֵינוּ לְסַפֵּר בִּיצִיאַת מִצְרַיִם. וְכָל הַמַרְבֶּה לְסַפֵּר בִּיצִיאַת מִצְרַיִם הֲרֵי זֶה מְשֻׁבָּח.\n\n Avadim hayinu l'faroh b'mitzrayim. Vayotzi-einu Adonai Eloheinu misham, b'yad chazakah uvizroa n'tuyah, v'ilu lo hotzi hakadosh Baruch hu et avoteinu mimitzrayim, harei anu uvaneinu uv'nei vaneinu, m'shubadim hayinu l'faroh b'mitzrayim. Va-afilu kulanu chachamim, kulanu n'vonim, kulanu z'keinim, kulanu yod'im et hatorah, mitzvah aleinu l'sapeir bitzi-at mitzrayim. V’chol hamarbeh l'sapeir bitzi-at mitzrayim, harei zeh m'shubach. \n\nWe were slaves in Egypt and the Lord freed us from Egypt with a mighty hand. Had not the holy one liberated our people from Egypt, then we, our children and our children's children would still be enslaved.\n\nSeder of our Sages : Telling of the Story\n\nמַעֲשֶׂה בְּרַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר וְרַבִּי יְהוֹשֻעַ וְרַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן עֲזַרְיָה וְרַבְּי עֲקִיבָא וְרַבִּי טַרְפוֹן שֶהָיוּ מְסֻבִּין בִּבְנֵי בְרַק, וְהָיוּ מְסַפְּרִים בִּיצִיאַת מִצְרַיִם כָּל אוֹתוֹ הַלַּיְלָה עַד שֶׁבָּאוּ תַלְמִידֵיהֶם וְאָמְרוּ לָהֶם: רַבּוֹתֵינוּ, הִגִּיעַ זְמַן קְרִיאַת שְׁמַע שֶׁל שַׁחֲרִית.\n\n Ma-aseh b'rabi Eli-ezer, v'rabi Y'hoshua, v'rabi Elazar ben azaryah, v'rabi Akiva, v'rabi Tarfon, she-hayu m'subin bivnei vrak, v'hayu m'sap'rim bitzi-at mitzrayim, kol oto halaylah, ad sheba-u talmideihem v'am'ru lahem. Raboteinu, higi-a z'man k'ri-at sh'ma, shel shacharit. \n\nIt once happened that Rabbis Eliezer, Joshua, Elazar ben Azaryah, Akiva and Tarfon were reclining at the seder table in Bnei Brak. They spent the whole night discussing the Exodus until their students came and said to them: \"Rabbis, it is ime for us to recite the Shema\n\nאָמַר אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן עֲזַרְיָה : הֲרֵי אֲנִי כְבֶ שִׁבְעִים שָׁנָה, וְלֹא זָכִיתִי שֶׁתֵּאָמֵר יְצִיאַת מִצְרַים בַּלֵּילוֹת עַד שֶׁדְּרָשָׁה בֶּן זוֹמָא: שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר, לְמַעַן תִּזְכֹּר אֶת יוֹם צֵאתְךָ מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרַיְם כָּל יְמֵי חַיֶּיךָ יְמֵי חַיֶּיךָ הַיָמִים, כָּל יְמֵי חַיֶּיךָ - הַלֵּילוֹת. וַחֲכָמִים אוֹמְרִים: יְמֵי חַיֶּיךָ הָעוֹלָם הַזֶּה,כָּל יְמֵי חַיֶּיךָ לְהָבִיא לִימוֹת הַמָשִׁיחַ\n\n Amar rabi Elazar ben Azaryah. Harei ani k'ven shivim shanah, v'lo zachiti, shetei-ameir y'tzi-at mitzrayim baleilot. Ad shed'rashah ben zoma. Shene-emar: l'ma-an tizkor, et yom tzeitcha mei-eretz mitzrayim, kol y'mei chayecha. Y'mei chayecha hayamim. Kol y'mei chayecha haleilot. Vachachamim om'rim. Y'mei chayecha ha-olam hazeh. Kol y'mei chayecha l'havi limot hamashi-ach. \n\nRabbi Elazar ben Azaryah said: \"I am like a seventy-year old man and I have not succeeded in understanding why the Exodus from Egypt should be mentioned at night, until Ben Zoma explained it by quoting: \"In order that you may remember the day you left Egypt all the days of your life.\" The Torah adds the word all to the phrase the days of your life to indicate that the nights are meant as well. The sages declare that \"the days of your life\" means the present world and \"all \" includes the messianic era.\n\nThe Story\n\nיָכוֹל מֵרֹאשׁ חֹדֶשׁ, תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר בַּיוֹם הַהוּא, אִי בַּיוֹם הַהוּא יָכוֹל מִבְּעוֹד יוֹם, תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר בַּעֲבוּר זֶה - בַּעֲבוּר זֶה לֹא אָמַרְתִּי אֶלָא בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁיֵשׁ מַצָה וּמָרוֹר מֻנָּחִים לְפָנֶיךָ.\n\n Yachol meirosh chodesh, talmud lomar bayom hahu. Iy bayom hahu, yachol mib'od yom. Talmud lomar ba-avur zeh. Ba-avur zeh lo amarti, ela b'sha-ah sheyeish matzah u-maror munachim l'fanecha. \n\nOne might think that the Haggadah should be recited on the first day of the month of Nisan, but the Torah says: \"You shall tell your son on that day\" [the first day of Passover]. One might think that the phrase on that day means that the story of the Exodus should be recited in the daytime; therefore, the Torah says: \"This is on account of what the Lord did for me.\" The word this refers to the time when this matzo and this marror are placed before you - on Passover night when you are obliged to eat them.\n\nמִתְּחִלָּה עוֹבְדֵי עֲבוֹדָה זָרָה הָיוּ אֲבוֹתֵינוּ, וְעַכְשָׁיו קֵרְבָנוּ הַמָּקוֹם לַעֲבֹדָתוֹ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וַיֹאמֶר יְהוֹשֻעַ אֶל כָּל הָעָם, כֹּה אָמַר יי אֱלֹהֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל : בְּעֵבֶר הַנָּהָר יָשְׁבוּ אֲבוֹתֵיכֶם מֵעוֹלָם, תֶּרַח אֲבִי אַבְרָהָם וַאֲבִי נָחוֹר, וַיַּעַבְדוּ אֱלֹהִים אֲחֵרִים. וָאֶקַח אֶת אֲבִיכֶם אֶת אַבְרָהָם מֵעֵבֶר הַנָּהָר וָאוֹלֵךְ אוֹתוֹ בְּכָל אֶרֶץ כְּנָעַן, וָאַרְבֶּה אֶת זַרְעוֹ וָאֶתֵּן לוֹ אֶת יִצְחָק, וָאֶתֵּן לְיִצְחָק אֶת יַעֲקֹב וְאֶת עֵשָׂיו. וָאֶתֵּן לְעֵשָׂו אֶת הַר שֵּׂעִיר לָרֶשֶׁת אֹתוֹ, וְיַעֲקֹב וּבָנָיו יָרְדוּ מִצְרָיִם.\n\n Mit'chilah ov'dei avodah zarah hayu avoteinu. V'achshav keir'vanu hamakom la-avodato. Shene-emar: Vayomer Y'hoshua el kol ha-am. Koh amar Adonai Elohei yisra-eil, b'eiver hanahar yash'vu avoteichem mei-olam, Terach avi avraham va-avi nachor. Vaya-avdu Elohim acheirim. Va-ekach et avichem et avraham mei-eiver ha-nahar, va-oleich oto b'chol eretz k'na-an. Va-arbeh et zaro, va-eten lo et Yitzchak. Va-etein l'yitzchak et Ya-akov v'et Eisav. Va-etein l'eisav et har sei-ir, lareshet oto. V'ya-akov uva-nav yar'du mitzrayim. \n\nAt first our forefathers worshiped idols, but then the Omnipresent brought us near to divine service, as it is written: \"Joshua said to all the people: so says the Lord God of Israel--your fathers have always lived beyond the Euphrates River, Terah the father of Abraham and Nahor; they worshipped other gods. I took your father Abraham from the other side of the river and led him through all the land of Canaan. I multiplied his family and gave him Isaac. To Isaac I gave Jacob and Esau; to Esau I gave Mount Seir to inherit, however Jacob and his children went down to Egypt.\"\n\nבָּרוּךְ שׁוֹמֵר הַבְטָחָתוֹ לְיִשְׂרָאֵל, בָּרוּךְ הוּא. שֶׁהַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא חִשַּׁב אֶת הַקֵּץ, לַעֲשׂוֹת כְּמוֹ שֶּׁאָמַר לְאַבְרָהָם אָבִינוּ בִּבְרִית בֵּין הַבְּתָרִים, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וַיֹּאמֶר לְְאַבְרָם, יָדֹע תֵּדַע כִּי גֵר יִהְיֶה זַרְעֲךָ בְּאֶרֶץ לֹא לָהֶם, וַעֲבָדוּם וְעִנּוּ אֹתָם אַרְבַּע מֵאוֹת שנה. וְגם אֶת הַגּוֹי אֲשֶׁר יַעֲבֹדוּ דָּן אָנֹכִי וְאַחֲרֵי כֵן יֵצְאוּ בִּרְכֻשׁ גָּדוֹל.\n\n Baruch shomeir havtachato l'yisra-eil. Baruch hu. Shehakadosh Baruch hu chishav et hakeitz, la-asot k'mah she-amar l'avraham avinu bivrit bein hab'tarim. Shene-emar: vayomer l'avram yadoa teida, ki geir yihyeh zaracha, b'eretz lo lahem, va-avadum v'inu otam arba meiot shanah. V'gam et hagoy asher ya-avodu dan anochi. V'acharei chein yeitz'u, birchush gadol. \n\nPraised be He who keeps His promise to Israel; praised be He. The holy one, blessed be he, predetermined the time for our final deliverance in order to fulfill what He had pledged to our father Abraham in a covenant, as it is written: \"He said to Abram, your descendants will surely sojourn in a land that is not their own, and they will be enslaved and afflicted for four hundred years; however, I will punish the nation that enslaved them, and afterwards they shall leave with great wealth.\"\n\nV’hee She-amdah\n\n We lift up our cup wine and cover the matzah, as we recite the following and recall God's promise to Abraham, emphasizing eternal divine watchfulness. \n\nוְהִיא שֶׁעָמְדָה לַאֲבוֹתֵינוּ וְלָנוּ, שֶׁלֹּא אֶחָד בִּלְבָד עָמַד עָלֵינוּ לְכַלּוֹתֵנוּ, אֶלָּא שֶׁבְּכָל דּוֹר וָדוֹר עוֹמְדִים עָלֵינוּ לְכַלוֹתֵנוּ, וְהַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא מַצִּילֵנוּ מִיָּדָם.\n\n V'hi she-am'dah la-avoteinu v'lanu. Shelo echad bilvad, amad aleinu l'chaloteinu. Ela sheb'chol dor vador, om'dim aleinu l'chaloteinu, v'hakadosh Baruch hu matzileinu mi-yadam. \n\nThis covenant that remained constant for our ancestors and for us has saved us against any who arose to destroy us in every generation, and throughout history when any stood against us to annihilate us, the Kadosh Barukh Hu kept saving us from them.\n\n We lower the wine cup and continue with the recitation of the traditional Midrash or Rabbinic discussion of the Passover Exodus story as recorded in the Torah, beginning first with the threat to Israel from Lavan and then the threat from Pharaoh. \n\nצֵא וּלְמַד, מַה בִּקֶּשׁ לָבָן הָאֲרַמִּי לַעֲשׂוֹת לְיַעֲקֹב אָבִינוּ--שֶׁפַּרְעֹה הָרָשָׁע, לֹא גָזַר אֵלָא עַל הַזְּכָרִים; וְלָבָן בִּקֶּשׁ לַעְקֹר אֶת הַכֹּל, שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר \"אֲרַמִּי אֹבֵד אָבִי, וַיֵּרֶד מִצְרַיְמָה, וַיָּגָר שָׁם\" (דברים כו,ה). מְלַמֵּד שֶׁלֹּא יָרַד לְהִשְׁתַּקֵּעַ אֵלָא לָגוּר שָׁם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר \"וַיֹּאמְרוּ אֶל-פַּרְעֹה, לָגוּר בָּאָרֶץ בָּאנוּ, כִּי-אֵין מִרְעֶה לַצֹּאן אֲשֶׁר לַעֲבָדֶיךָ, כִּי-כָבֵד הָרָעָב בְּאֶרֶץ כְּנָעַן; וְעַתָּה יֵשְׁבוּ-נָא עֲבָדֶיךָ, בְּאֶרֶץ גֹּשֶׁן\" (בראשית מז,ד).\n\nבִּמְתֵי מְעָט--כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר \"בְּשִׁבְעִים נֶפֶשׁ, יָרְדוּ אֲבֹתֶיךָ מִצְרָיְמָה; וְעַתָּה, שָׂמְךָ יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ, כְּכוֹכְבֵי הַשָּׁמַיִם, לָרֹב\" (דברים י,כב).\n\nוַיְהִי-שָׁם, לְגוֹי--מְלַמֵּד שֶׁהָיוּ יִשְׂרָאֵל מְצֻיָּנִין שָׁם. גָּדוֹל וְעָצוּם--כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר \"וּבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל, פָּרוּ וַיִּשְׁרְצוּ וַיִּרְבּוּ וַיַּעַצְמוּ--בִּמְאֹד מְאֹד; וַתִּמָּלֵא הָאָרֶץ, אֹתָם\" (שמות א,ז).\n\nוָרָב--כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר \"רְבָבָה, כְּצֶמַח הַשָּׂדֶה נְתַתִּיךְ, וַתִּרְבִּי וַתִּגְדְּלִי, וַתָּבֹאִי בַּעֲדִי עֲדָיִים: שָׁדַיִם נָכֹנוּ וּשְׂעָרֵךְ צִמֵּחַ, וְאַתְּ עֵרֹם וְעֶרְיָה\" (יחזקאל טז,ז).\n\nוַיָּרֵעוּ אֹתָנוּ הַמִּצְרִים--כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר \"הָבָה נִתְחַכְּמָה, לוֹ: פֶּן-יִרְבֶּה, וְהָיָה כִּי-תִקְרֶאנָה מִלְחָמָה וְנוֹסַף גַּם-הוּא עַל-שֹׂנְאֵינוּ, וְנִלְחַם-בָּנוּ, וְעָלָה מִן-הָאָרֶץ\" (שמות א,י).\n\nוַיְעַנּוּנוּ--כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר \"וַיָּשִׂימוּ עָלָיו שָׂרֵי מִסִּים, לְמַעַן עַנֹּתוֹ בְּסִבְלֹתָם; וַיִּבֶן עָרֵי מִסְכְּנוֹת, לְפַרְעֹה--אֶת-פִּתֹם, וְאֶת-רַעַמְסֵס\" (שמות א,יא).\n\nוַיִּתְּנוּ עָלֵינוּ, עֲבֹדָה קָשָׁה--כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר \"וַיַּעֲבִדוּ מִצְרַיִם אֶת-בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל, בְּפָרֶךְ\" (שמות א,יג).\n\nGo out and learn what Lavan the Aramean sought to do to Jacob our father! Pharaoh the evil only decreed against the males, but Lavan sought to uproot everything, as it is written \"A wandering Aramean was my father\" [while this makes little sense in English, the free word order of Hebrew and ambiguity of the verb \"'oved\" can be stretched somewhat to mean that an Aramean Lavan tried to cause the loss of Jacob] \"and he went down into Egypt, and sojourned there\" (Deuteronomy 26,5). This teaches that he did not descend to live there permanently, but rather temporarily, \"And they said unto Pharaoh: 'To sojourn in the land are we come; for there is no pasture for thy servants' flocks; for the famine is sore in the land of Canaan. Now therefore, we pray thee, let thy servants dwell in the land of Goshen'\" (Genesis 47,4).\n\nFew in number--as it is written \"Thy fathers went down into Egypt with threescore and ten persons; and now the LORD thy God hath made thee as the stars of heaven for multitude\" (Deuteronomy 10,22).\n\nAnd he became there a nation--this teaches that Israel were distinguishable from others there. Great, powerful--\"And the children of Israel were fruitful, and increased abundantly, and multiplied, and waxed exceeding mighty; and the land was filled with them\" (Exodus 1,7).\n\nAnd populous--as it is written \"I cause thee to increase, even as the growth of the field. And thou didst increase and grow up, and thou camest to excellent beauty: thy breasts were fashioned, and thy hair was grown; yet thou wast naked and bare\" (Ezekiel 16,7).\n\nAnd the Egyptians dealt ill with us--as it is written \"come, let us deal wisely with them, lest they multiply, and it come to pass, that, when there befalleth us any war, they also join themselves unto our enemies, and fight against us, and get them up out of the land\" (Exodus 1,10).\n\nAnd afflicted us--as it is written \"Therefore they did set over them taskmasters to afflict them with their burdens. And they built for Pharaoh store-cities, Pithom and Raamses\" (Exodus 1,11)\n\nAnd laid upon us hard bondage--as it is written \"And the Egyptians made the children of Israel to serve with rigour\" (Exodus 1,13).\n\nוַנִּצְעַק אֶל יי אֱלֹהֵי אֲבֹתֵינוּ, וַיִּשְׁמַע יי אֶת קֹלֵנוּ, וַיַּרְא אֶת עָנְיֵנוּ וְאֶת עֲמָלֵנוּ וְאֶת לַחֲצֵנוּ.\n\nוַנִּצְעַק אֶל יי אֱלֹהֵי אֲבֹתֵינוּ - כְּמָה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וַיְהִי בַיָמִים הָרַבִּים הָהֵם וַיָּמָת מֶלֶךְ מִצְרַים , וַיֵאָנְחוּ בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל מִן הָעֲבוֹדָה וַיִּזְעָקוּ, וַתַּעַל שַׁוְעָתָם אֶל הָאֱלֹהִים מִן הָעֲבֹדָה.\n\nוַיִּשְׁמַע יי אֶת קֹלֵנוּ - כְּמָה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וַיִּשְׁמַע אֱלֹהִים אֶת נַאֲקָתָם, וַיִּזְכּוֹר אֱלֹהִים אֶת בְּרִיתוֹ אֶת אַבְרָהָם, אֶת יִצְחָק ואֶת יַעֲקֹב.\n\nוַיַּרְא אֶת עָנְיֵנוּ - זוֹ פְּרִישׁוּת דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ, כְּמָה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וַיַרְא אֱלֹהִים אֶת בְּני יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיֵּדַע אֱלֹהִים.\n\nוְאֶת עֲמָלֵנוּ - אֵלוּ הַבָּנִים. כְּמָה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: כָּל הַבֵּן הַיִּלּוֹד הַיְאֹרָה תַּשְׁלִיכֻהוּ וְכָל הַבַּת תְּחַיּוּן.\n\nוְאֶת לַחֶצֵנוּ - זֶוֹ הַדְּחַק, כְּמָה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וְגַם רָאִיתִי אֶת הַלַּחַץ אֲשֶׁר מִצְרַים לֹחֲצִים אֹתָם \n\n \n\n Vanitzak el Adonai elohei avoteinu, vayishma Adonai et koleinu, vayar et onyeinu v’et amaleinu v’et lachatzeinu. \n\n \n\n Vanitzak el Adonai elohei avoteinu – k’mah shene’emar: vayihi vayamim harabim hahem vayamot melech mitzrayim, vayeian’chu binei Yisrael min ha’avodah vayizaku, vata’al shavatam el haElohim min ha’avodah. \n\n Vayishma Adonai et Koleinu – k’mah shene’emar: vayishma Elohim et na’akatam, vayizkor Elohim et brito et Avraham, et Yitchak v’et Ya’akov. \n\n \n\n Vayar et an’yeinu – zo p’rishut derech eretz, k’mah shene’emar: vayar Elohim et binei Yisrael vayeida Elohim. \n\n \n\n V’et amaleinu – eilu habanim. K’mah shene’emar: kol habein hayilod hay’orah tashlichuhu v’chol habit t’chayun. \n\n V’et lachatzeinu – zeh had’chak, k’mah shene’emar: v’gam raiti et halachatz asher mitzrayim lochatzim otam. \n\n“We cried to the Lord, the God of our fathers; the Lord heard our cry and saw our affliction, our toil, and our oppression.” (Dt. 26:6)\n\nWe cried to the Lord, the God of our fathers – as it is written: “It happened in the course of those many days that the king of Egypt died; the children of Israel sighed because of their labor and cried; their cry of servitude reached God.”\n\nThe Lord heard our cry – as it is written: “God heard their groaning; God remembered His covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.”\n\nAnd saw our affliction – that is, the conjugal separation of husband and wife, as it is written: “God saw the children of Israel and God knew.”\n\nOur toil – refers to the drowning of the sons, as it is written: “Every son that is born you shall cast into the river, but you shall let every daughter live.”\n\nOur oppression – means the pressure used upon them, as it is written: “I have also seen how the Egyptians are oppressing them.”\n\nוַיּוֹצִאֵנוּ יי מִמִצְרַים בְּיָד חֲזָקָה וּבִזְרֹעַ נְטוּיָה, וּבְמֹרָא גָּדֹל, וּבְאֹתוֹת וּבְמֹפְתִים.\n\nוַיּוֹצִאֵנוּ יי מִמִצְרַים - לֹא עַל יְדֵי מַלְאָךְ, וְלֹא עַל יְדֵי שָׂרָף, וְלֹא עַל יְדֵי שָׁלִיחַ, אֶלָּא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא בִּכְבוֹדוֹ וּבְעַצְמוֹ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וְעָבַרְתִּי בְאֶרֶץ מִצְרַים בַּלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה, וְהִכֵּיתִי כָּל בְּכוֹר בְּאֶרֶץ מִצְרַים מֵאָדָם וְעַד בְּהֵמָה, וּבְכָל אֱלֹהֵי מִצְרַים אֶעֱשֶׂה שְׁפָטִים. אֲנִי יי.\n\nוְעָבַרְתִּי בְאֶרֶץ מִצְרַים בַּלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה - אֲנִי וְלֹא מַלְאָךְ. וְהִכֵּיתִי כָּל בְכוֹר בְּאֶרֶץ מִצְרַים - אֲנִי וְלֹא שָׂרָף. וּבְכָל אֱלֹהֵי מִצְרַים אֶעֱשֶׂה שְׁפָטִים - אֲנִי ולֹא הַשָּׁלִיחַ. אֲנִי יי - אֲנִי הוּא ולֹא אַחֵר.\n\nבְּיָד חֲזָקָה - זוֹ הַדֶּבֶר, כְּמָה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: הִנֵה יד יי הוֹיָה בְּמִקְנְךָ אֲשֶׁר בַּשָּׂדֶה, בַּסּוּסִים, בַּחֲמֹרִים, בַּגְּמַלִים, בַּבָּקָר וּבַצֹּאן, דֶבֶר כָּבֵד מְאֹד.\n\nוּבִזְרֹעַ נְטוּיָה - זוֹ הַחֶרֶב, כְּמָה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וְחַרְבּוֹ שְׁלוּפָה בְּיָדוֹ, נְטוּיָה עַל יְרוּשָלַיִם.\n\nוּבְמֹרָא גָּדֹל - זוֹ גִלּוּי שְׁכִינָה, כְּמָה ֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: אוֹ הֲנִסָּה אֱלֹהִים לָבֹא לָקַחַת לוֹ גוֹי מִקֶרֶב גּוֹי בְּמַסֹּת בְּאֹתֹת וּבְמוֹפְתִים, וּבְמִלְחָמָה וּבְיָד חֲזָקָה וּבִזְרוֹעַ נְטוּיָה, וּבְמוֹרָאִים גְּדֹלִים, כְּכֹל אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה לָכֶם יי אֱלֹהֵיכֶם בְּמִצְרַים לְעֵינֶיךָ.\n\nוּבְאֹתוֹת - זֶה הַמַּטֶה, כְּמָה ֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וְאֶת הַמַּטֶּה הַזֶּה תִּקַּח בְּיָדְךָ, אֲשֶׁר תַּעֲשֶׂה בּוֹ אֶת הָאֹתֹת.\n\nוּבְמֹפְתִים - זֶה הַדָּם, כְּמָה ֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וְנָתַתִּי מוֹפְתִים בַּשָּׁמַיִם וּבָאָרֶץ.\n\n Vayotzi’einu Adonai mimitzrayim, b’yad chazakah, Uvizro’a n’tuyah, uv’mora gadol, uv’otot uv’moftim. \n\n \n\n Vayotzieinu Adonai mimitzrayim – lo al ydei malach, v’lo al y’dei saraf, v’lo al y’dei shaliach, ela hakadosh baruch hu bichvodo uv’atzmo, shene’emar: v’avarti v’eretz mitzrayim balaylah hazeh, v’hikeiti kol b’chor b’eretz mitzrayim meiadam v’ad b’heimah, uv’chol elohei mitzrayim e’eseh shifatim. Ani Adonai. \n\n \n\n V’avarti v’eretz mitzrayim balaylah hazeh – ani v’lo malach \n\n \n\n v’hikeiti cholb’chor b’eretz mitzrayim – ani v’lo saraf \n\n \n\n uv’chol elohei mitzrayim e’eseh sh’fatim – ani v’lo hashaliach. \n\n \n\n Ani Adonai – ani hu v’lo acheir. \n\n \n\n B’yad chazakah – zo hadever, k’mah shene’emar: hiney yad Adonai hoyah b’mikn’cha asher basadeh, basusim, bachamorim, bag’malim, babakar uvatzon, dever kaveid m’od. \n\n \n\n Uvizroa n’tuyah – zo hacherev, k’mah shene’emar: v’charbo sh’lufah b’yado, n’tuyah al Yerushalayim. \n\n \n\n Uv’mora gadol. Zeh giluy sh’chinah, k’mah shene’emar: oh hanisah Elohim lavo lakachat lo goy mikerev goy, b’masot b’otot uv’moftim, uv’milchamah uv’yad chazakah uvizroa n’tuyah, uv’moraim g’dolim, k’chol asher asah lachem Adonai Eloheichem b’mitzrayim l’einecha. \n\n \n\n Uv’otot – zeh hamateh, k’mo shene’emar: v’et hamateh hazeh tikach b’yadecha, asher ta’aseh bo et ha’otot. \n\n \n\n U’vimoftim – zeh hadam, k’mo shene’emar: v’natati moftim bashamayim u’va’aretz. \n\n \n\n“The Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand and outstretched arm, with great awe, miraculous signs and wonders.” (Dt. 26:8)\n\nThe Lord brought us out of Egypt – not by an angel, not by a seraph, not by a messenger, but by the holy one, blessed be He, Himself, as it is written: “I will pass through the land of Egypt on that night; I will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt from man unto beast; on all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgments; I am the Lord.”\n\n“I will pass through the land of Egypt on that night” – myself and not an angel; “I will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt” – myself and not a seraph; “on all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgments” – myself and not a messenger; “I am the Lord” – I and none other.\n\nMighty hand – refers to the disease among the cattle, as it is written: “Behold the hand of the Lord strikes your cattle which are in the field, the horses, the donkeys, the camels, the herds, and the flocks--a very severe pestilence.”\n\nOutstretched arm – means the sword, as it is written: “His drawn sword in his hand, outstretched over Jerusalem.”\n\nGreat awe – alludes to the divine revelation, as it is written: “Has God ever attempted to take unto Himself, a nation from the midst of another nation by trials, miraculous signs and wonders, by war and with a mighty hand and outstretched arm and by awesome revelations, just as you saw the Lord your God do for you in Egypt, before your eyes?”\n\nMiraculous signs – refers to the miracles performed with the staff of Moses, as it is written: “Take this staff in your hand, that you may perform the miraculous signs with it.”\n</div>\n</div>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Exodus Story", "slug": "exodus-story" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 294, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Avadim Hayinu | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/avadim-hayinu-2024", "og:title": "Avadim Hayinu | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "vehi-sheamdah-5", "title": "Vehi Sheamdah", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "This is what has stood by our fathers and us! For not just one alone has risen against us to destroy us, but in every ge...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "This is what has stood by our fathers and us! For not just one alone has risen against us to destroy us, but in every generation they rise against us to destroy us; and the Holy One, blessed be He, saves us from their hand!", "cliptype": "image", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/186703/Screen-Shot-2019-04-16-at-9.17.14-AM.png", "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/186703/conversions/Screen-Shot-2019-04-16-at-9.17.14-AM-cover.jpg", "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Exodus Story", "slug": "exodus-story" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 317, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Vehi Sheamdah | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/vehi-sheamdah-5", "og:title": "Vehi Sheamdah | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/186703/conversions/Screen-Shot-2019-04-16-at-9.17.14-AM-cover.jpg" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "ki-lo-naeh-14", "title": "Ki Lo Naeh", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh. Adir bimlucha, bachur kahalcha, g’dudav yomru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’ch...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.\n\nAdir bimlucha, bachur kahalcha, g’dudav yomru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.\n\nDagul bimluchah, hadur kahalachah, vatikav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.\n\nZakai bimluchah, chasin kahalachah taf’srav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.\n\n \n\nYachid bimluchah, kabir kahalachah limudav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.\n\n\n\nMoshail bimluchah, nora kahalachah savivav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.\n\nAnav bimluchah, podeh kahalachah, tzadikav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.\n\nKadosh bimluchah, rachum kahalachah shinanav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.\n\nTakif bimluchah, tomaich kahalachah t’mimav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.\n\n\n\n\n\nBecause it is proper for Him, because it befits Him. Mighty in sovereignty, rightly select. His minions say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereignty!” Exalted in sovereignty, rightly glorious. His faithful ones say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereignty!” Blameless in sovereignty, rightly powerful. His generals say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereignty!” Singular in sovereignty, rightly strong. His learned ones say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereignty!” Exalted in sovereignty, rightly awesome. Those who surround Him say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereignty!” Humble in sovereignty, rightly saving. His righteous ones say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereignty!” Holy in sovereignty, rightly merciful. His multitudes say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereignty!” Strong in sovereignty, rightly supportive. His perfect ones say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereignty!”", "cliptype": "image", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/186718/Screen-Shot-2019-04-16-at-9.26.42-AM.png", "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/186718/conversions/Screen-Shot-2019-04-16-at-9.26.42-AM-cover.jpg", "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Hallel", "slug": "hallel" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 333, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Ki Lo Naeh | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/ki-lo-naeh-14", "og:title": "Ki Lo Naeh | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "https://assets.haggadot.com/clips/186718/conversions/Screen-Shot-2019-04-16-at-9.26.42-AM-cover.jpg" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "had-gadya-12", "title": "Had Gadya", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Reorder songs", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Reorder songs", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "Songs", "slug": "songs" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 298, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Had Gadya | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/had-gadya-12", "og:title": "Had Gadya | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "og:image": "" } } }, { "clip": { "is_admin": 0, "is_owner": 0, "handle": "chapter-3-1", "title": "Chapter 3", "author": "Ian Gold", "author_handle": "ian-gold", "author_initials": "IG", "covertext": "Chapter 3 \tJerry was pasturing the roosters and the hens and the chickens of Frank, his father-in-law, the chief of Quee...", "user_image": "", "user_image_original": "", "body": "Chapter 3\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry was pasturing the roosters and the hens and the chickens of Frank, his father-in-law, the chief of Queens, and he led the poultry to the free pastureland, and he came to the mountain of God, just a couple of blocks up from Famous Original Ray’s Pizza off of Rockaway beach.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>An angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire from within the thorn bush, and behold, the bush was burning like a urinating man with gonorrhea. But unlike a ’47 cabin, the bush was not burned.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So Jerry said, “Let me now see this great spectacle, why does the bush not burn. This should be fun.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>The Lord saw that Jerry had turned to see, and God – a bit of a burning-bush talker - called to him from within the bush, and He said, \"Jerry! Hello!!\" And Jerry said, \"Here I am! What are you doing? You can’t have angles shoving themselves into 600 degree bushes!” And God said, “It’s all supervised.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n5 And God said, \"Do not draw near here. Take your shoes off your feet, because the place upon which you stand is holy soil.\" But Jerry refused, saying “Between you and me, God, I think I’ve got a foot odor problem.” But God insisted, speaking in a tongue unfamiliar to Jerry and said, “Eno Enoa Juang.” \n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “Oh Lord, I do not understand.” And God replied, “It’s Korean. It means ‘This guy…this is not my kind of guy’.” But Jerry protested saying “No, God, I am your kind of guy, though between you and me I think I think you are placing a lot of importance on shoe removal”. </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry was ashamed in the eyes of God and removed his shoes, though he muttered “You don’t have to make a federal case out of it,” as if God didn’t have super-human hearing. But God let it slide.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And He said, \"I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.\" And Moses hid his face because he was afraid to look toward God. But he felt a poke and he took a peak.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And the Lord said, \"I have surely seen the affliction of My people who are in Manhattan, and I have heard their cries because of their slave drivers and the difficulty finding a decent parking spot and the ridiculously high rents, for I know their pains.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>I have descended to rescue them from the hands of the oppressive Manhattanites and to bring them up from that land, to a good and spacious land, to a land flowing with milk and honey.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li> To the place of the Miami-ites and the Lauderdalians; the West Palm Beachniks and the Bal Harborians; the Sarasota-ites and the Tampa-Saint Pederasts. And the Moops.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And My people the children of Israel will be Masters of their Domain.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>So now come and take My people…please - That Henny Youngman cracks me up. Is he still alive? - No, seriously. Take My people out of Manhattan.\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But Jerry said to God, \"Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh Newman, and that I should take the children of Israel out of Manhattan?\" And God replied “Ted Danson wasn’t available.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry said to God, \"Behold I shall come to the children of Israel, and I shall say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you’, and they shall say to me, 'What is His name?' What shall I say to them?\"</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>God said to Moses, “Tell them to call me ‘I Will Be What I Will Be’.\" And Jerry smirked and said “Yeah, that’ll go over really well.” And God said “What? No good?!” And Jerry questioned God saying, “I Will Be What I Will Be?! What does that even mean?” And God challenged Jerry saying, “What? And you could do better? And Jerry sniggered saying, “Well I think I can do better than that.” </li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God grew annoyed and said “Fine. Call me whatever the hell you want. Just go, already!“ And Jerry said, “How about Art Cor…velay?” And God said, “Get the hell outta here!” And Jerry countered, saying, “Vandelay?” And God heard that it was good, well not good but adequate, and he said, “Giddyup!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry turned, but God cried after him, “And don’t forget the part about ‘surely remembering them and what is being done to them’ -“ And Jerry cut him off saying, “Yeah, I got it. You remembered.” But God continued, “and tell them ‘I will bring you up out of the affliction of the’-“ And Jerry grew irritated, saying “Yeah. Milk. Honey. I got it!”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>But The Lord God of the Hebrews would not Yada Yada. He went on, “And they will hearken to your voice, and you shall come, you and the elders of Israel, to Newman, and you shall say to him, 'The Lord God of the Hebrews, Art Vandelay, has happened upon us, and now, let us go for a three days' journey in the desert and offer up sacrifices to the Lord, our God’.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>Jerry was unimpressed. “The desert? Three days?” And God said, “It’s a dry heat. You can clean house a little bit,” signifying not a scratch of the nose, but a pick therein.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry took the opportunity to remark on God’s habit of referring to himself in the third person saying, “You know, I’ve never heard anyone talk the way you do. It’s very unusual.” And The Lord said, “Well, God is very unusual.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God got back to the business at hand saying, “However, I know that Newman will not permit you to go, except through a mighty hand.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And I will stretch forth My hand and smite the Manhattanites with all My miracles that I will wreak in their midst, and afterwards he will send you out”.</li>\n</ol>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And Jerry said, “Smite? Don’t you think that’s coming on a little too strong? Isn’t that like a turn-off?” And God did roll his eyes and say, “Jerry. He’s a GUY.”</li>\n</ol>\n\n \n\n<ol>\n\t<li>And God said, “And it will come to pass that when you go, you will not go empty handed. Each woman shall “borrow” from her neighbor, silver and gold objects and you shall empty out Manhattan. Gold, Jerry! Gold!”</li>\n</ol>", "cliptype": "text", "clipsource": null, "featured": 0, "featuredIn": null, "is_public": 1, "is_published": 1, "media": { "image": null, "audio": null, "video": null }, "thumbnail": null, "clip_section": [ { "haggadah_section": "-- Cup #2 & Dayenu", "slug": "cup-2-amp-dayenu" } ], "likes": 0, "downloads": 292, "tags": [], "themes": [], "language": "0", "is_bookmarked": "0", "is_liked": 0, "meta_tags": { "title": "Chapter 3 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. Find artwork, family", "keywords": "", "og:type": "article", "og:url": "https://www.haggadot.com/clip/chapter-3-1", "og:title": "Chapter 3 | Passover haggadah by Ian Gold", "og:description": "Our simple platform allows you to create a custom Passover Haggadah, with access to unique content contributed by our community. 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Haggadah Section: Tzafun

Chapters Nine and Ten

Let My people go…yada, yada…a very severe pestilence…yada, yada…livestock (not the noxious kind) died…yada, yada…hardened arteries…yada, yada…

And George asked Jerry, “Haven’t we had this conversation before?” and Jerry pondered, “You think?” And George became more confident, “I think we have.” And Jerry shrugged, “Yeah, maybe we have.”

The Lord said to Jerry and to George, "Take yourselves handfuls of Junior Mints - or, if you’re out of Junior Mints, maybe Jujyfruits, either will work - and Jerry shall cast them heavenward before Pharaoh's eyes.

And the Junior Mints/Jujyfruits will come down upon the entire land of Manhattan, and the candy will carry fungus [fungus?!] breaking out into white discolorations upon man and upon beast throughout the entire land of Manhattan."

So they took the Junior Mints, but did not partake of the Jujyfruits, and they stood before Newman, and Jerry cast them heavenward, and they became fungus [fungus?!] breaking out into white discolorations upon man and upon beast.

And the necromancers dealt in fungus. They were knee-deep in fungus. These guys knew fungus. But the necromancers could not stand before Jerry because of the fungi, for the fungi were upon the necromancers and upon all Manhattan. And the necromancers called Dr. Bison, but he said was booked solid, even when he was told it was for Pharaoh.

And - no cliff-hanger here - the Lord strengthened Pharaoh's heart (he Nautilus-ed, of course), and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord told Jerry.

This back-and-forth went on for quite a long time. And the descriptions of each plague were remarkably similar. So much so that opportunities to inject satirical bits into the text became increasingly difficult.

For instance, next came hail. So something about the hail being as big as Titleist golf balls. Not great.

Then you got your locusts, which really are supposed to be in the next chapter but people are getting hungry. And what is your scribe supposed to do with locusts?

But there was one difference. The Manhattanites were angry that day, my friends, like old men trying to return soup at a deli. They said to Newman, “Let the people go and they will worship their God. Don't you yet know that Manhattan is lost, you stubborn, stupid, silly man?"

But Newman’s arterial sclerosis was too far gone and he kept lying because he was a liar. And so the locusts came. Then the darkness.

And Newman summoned Jerry and said, “Hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down”.

And Jerry clenched his teeth and loudly whispered, “Newman!”

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