Chapter Eight

  1. Then the same thing happened, basically, except with frogs.
  1. Thereupon, Pharaoh Newman summoned Jerry and George, and said, "Entreat the Lord that He remove the frogs from me and from my people, and I will let out the people of Israel so that they may sacrifice to the Lord. Go ahead, Jerry. I’m beggin’ you, Jerry! Please!"
  1. And Jerry said to Pharaoh, "You’ve got a little problem.” And Pharaoh fell to his knees and said, “Oh, I’ve got a big problem, Jerry.” And Jerry relented, saying “Alright! Pull yourself together. You’re making me sick! Be a man!
  1. We’ll do it, but only so that you should know that there is none like the Lord, our God, Art Vandelay. Got it?”
  1. And Jerry and George went away from Newman, and Jerry cried out to the Lord concerning the frogs that He had brought upon Newman.
  1. And the Lord said, “You promised what?!” And Jerry said, “No good?” And God said, “No. Not good. You know what kind of job that is?”
  1. But God relented. And God said said to George, “You shall rid the land of the frogs.” And George was seized fear with and said, “Why me, Oh Lord?” And God said, “Because Jerry told me you were a marine biologist.” And George was getting frustrated.
  1. And George said to Jerry “A marine biologist? Why am I a marine biologist?” And Jerry replied, “I may have mentioned it.” And George said, But I'm not a marine biologist!” to which Jerry replied, “I'm aware of that. You don't think it's a good job?” And George said “I didn’t think it was a job.” And Jerry did enlighten George saying, “Oh. It's a fascinating field!” And George exclaimed, “Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect”. 
  1. And God grew bored of this meaningless conversation and instead called upon Carl the exterminator, and not just because he was black. And Carl did exterminate the frogs from the apartments, and from the clubs, and from the gymnasia, and from the restaurants throughout Manhattan so that they were found once more only in the Hudson, mostly dead like the fish.
  1. The Manhattanites gathered them into many heaps, and the land smelled. Smelled bad. Really bad. Worse than BO, Beyond BO, BBO. The dead frogs funkified the whole place.
  1. And Newman again hardened his arteries, and he did not hearken to them, not so much because of the stench, but mostly because he was a big phony.
  1. And so now with the lice. George. Pez, Lice. And Jerry spoke unto the Pharaoh, saying, “You know Newman, the thing about lice is that they irritate the skin and they start to itch. Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because they're crawling, crawling on your skin. Up your legs, up your spine, up your back....”
  1. But though Newman was rife with lice, his heart remained steadfast, and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord had spoken.
  1. And the Lord said to Moses, "Arise early in the morning and stand before Pharaoh, behold, he is going out to the water, and you shall say to him, 'So said the Lord, Art Vandelay "Let My people go out and serve Me”.’.”
  1. And Jerry said, “Another pee party?”
  1. And God said, “Don’t bring me down…I lost my train of thought.” And Jerry prompted God saying “Let my people go out and serve me…”
  1. And God did regain his train of thought, “Right. For if you do not let My people go, behold, I will incite against you and against your servants and against your people and in your houses a mixture of noxious creatures…”
  1. And Jerry again interrupted, “noxious creatures?” And God said, “Yeah. noxious creatures.” And Jerry said, “Well, what kind of noxious creatures? And God said, “Trust me. I will give you the Kavorka.”
  1. And Jerry said, “I know not of this Kavorka of which you speak.” And God said, “It is a Latvian word. It means ‘the lure of the animal’. The place will be crawling with them. But only in the WASPy neighborhoods, and not where the Mahjong and Pinochle games are played, in order that Newman will know that I am the Lord.”
  1. And The Lord did so, and the animals -  some noxious, some not so much -  were lured and came to Pharaoh's house and the land was destroyed because of the noxious creatures and the shit they did produce.
  1. Thereupon, Newman summoned Jerry and George, and he said, "I will let you go out for a long weekend, and you will sacrifice to the Lord, your God, Art Vandelay, in the desert, if you put in a good word for me.”
  1. So Jerry went away from Pharaoh and entreated the Lord.
  1. And the Lord did according to Jerry’s word, and He removed noxious creatures from Pharaoh and from his people and he left the shit for the Manhattanites to shovel.
  1. But – big surprise - Pharaoh hardened his arteries this time also, and he did not let the people go.

haggadah Section: Shulchan Oreich