Chapters 11 and 12

Haggadah Section: Introduction

Chapter Eleven

  1. The Lord said to Jerry, "I will bring one more plague upon Pharaoh and upon Manhattan; afterwards Newman will drive you out of here. He’s an idiot altogether.”
  1. Please, speak into the ears of the people, and let them “borrow”, each man from his friend and each woman from her friend, silver vessels and golden vessels. That’s right. Gold, Jerry! Gold!”
  1. So the Lord gave the people favor in the Manhattanites’ eyes; also Jerry was highly esteemed in the land of Manhattan – How could anyone not like him?
  1. Jerry said, "So said the Lord, Art Vandelay, ‘At the dividing point of the night, I will go out into midtown Manhattan, and every firstborn Bubble Boy in the land of Manhattan will die, from the firstborn Bubble Boy of Pharaoh, who sits on his throne to the firstborn Bubble Boy of the slave woman who is behind the millstones, and every firstborn Bubble animal.
  1. And there will be a great cry throughout the entire land, such as there never has been and such as there shall never be again. They’ll cry, and then they’ll cry again.
  1. But to all the children of Israel, not one dog will whet its tongue against either man or beast, in order that you shall know that the Lord will separate between the Manhattanites and between Israel”. What does dog licking have to do with the slaying of first Bubble boys? That’s what I’d like to know about it.
  1. The Lord said to Jerry, "Pharaoh will not heed you, in order to increase My miracles in the land of Manhattan."
  1. Jerry and George had performed all these miracles before Pharaoh, but the Lord strengthened Pharaoh's heart, and he did not let the children of Israel out of his land. And Jerry said, “If you strengthen Newman’s heart one more time, I’m gonna completely lose it!!”

Chapter Twelve

  1. The Lord spoke to Jerry and to George in the land of Manhattan saying, “This month shall be to you the head of the months; to you it shall be the first of the months of the year. And you shall no longer call it the Newmanium, as Pharaoh has decreed. And you shall call it instead the Kramerium, as I command. Don’t ask me why. God’s choice.
  1. Speak to the entire community of Israel, saying, "On the tenth of this month, The Kramerium, let each one take a lamb for each parental home, a lamb for each household.
  1. But if the household is too small for a lamb, then he and his neighbor who is nearest to his house shall take one according to the number of people, each one according to one's ability to eat.” And Jerry shook his milky-white hand at the Lord and said, “That’s commie-talk!”
  1. And so the Lord suggested that they get a smaller lamb.
  1. “You shall have a perfect male sheep in its first year; you may take it either from the ram or from the ewe.
  1. And George inquired, “Let me understand. You got the ewe, the sheep and the ram. The ram goes with the sheep. So who’s having sex with the ewe?
  1. And Jerry suggested they talk about it another time.
  1. But George persisted, saying “But you see my point here? You only hear of a ewe, a ram and a lamb. Something’s missing!
  1. And God said, “They’re all sheep. The ram has sex with all of them.” And George responded, saying, “That’s perverse.”
  1. “Well, as I was saying…You shall keep it for inspection until the fourteenth day of the Kramerium, and the entire congregation of the community of Israel shall slaughter it in the afternoon.
  1. And Jerry said, “Slaughter? That sounds kind of messy.” But he ultimately assented, saying, “Let’s watch them slice these fat bastards up.”
  1. “And they shall take the blood and they shall not deposit it in a blood bank, nor shall they refrigerate it in their homes, nor shall they use it as chariot coolant. Instead they will put it on the two doorposts and on the lintel, on the houses in which they will eat it.”
  1. And Jerry inquired as to meat alternatives for the vegetarians in the congregation or for those who just want to watch their fat intake and God bellowed, “Salad’s got nuttin’ on this mutton!!”
  1. “And on this night, they shall eat the flesh, roasted over the fire, and unleavened cakes; with bitter herbs they shall eat it.”
  1. And George said, “I told you, Jerry. Your cakes are leavened. We need leaven-free.” And Jerry said, “You got a dilemma with leaven?” And George said, “Yes, I have a dilemma with leaven.” And Jerry said, “You don’t even know what leaven is.” And George said, “I know enough to stay away from it.”
  1. And God resumed the instructions: “And before you shall eat of the bitter herbs, you shall intone, each Israelite in the home, husband and wife, son and daughter, “These bitter herbs are making me thirsty’!”
  1. And Jerry and George, each of them in their own manner, practiced and they intoned, “These bitter herbs are making me thirsty!” And it was agreed that God’s take was the best because, well…God.
  1. “And you shall dip the unleavened cakes in the bitter herbs. You shall dip the unleavened cakes but once in the bitter herbs. You shall not double-dip. I cannot stress this enough. The cakes shall be dipped in the herbs but once. If a child of Israel loses count of the dipping, he shall start over again. For if a child of Israel double dips, it’s like putting his whole mouth in the bitter herbs. So all the children of Israel will take one dip and end it!
  1. You shall not eat the flesh rare or boiled in water, except roasted over the fire its head with its legs and with its innards.” And, again, Jerry made that ‘Eww, Gross!’ face he tended to make.
  1. “And you shall not leave over any of it until morning, and whatever is left over of it until morning, you shall burn in fire. And if the fire will not be extinguished, try using a large shoe, almost clownish in it’s size.
  1. For if any of the flesh is not burned and is instead discarded in a trash receptacle, then those of weak will might later feast on the discarded refuse, and I will not have the children of Israel eating garbage. I’m looking at you George.
  1. And this is how you shall eat it: your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your Pez in your hand; and you shall eat it in haste, it is a Passover sacrifice to the Lord.”
  1. And Jerry was awash with relief as he would not have to worry about his foot odor problem, and George asked what they would be serving for desert.
  1. “I will pass through the land of Manhattan on this night, and I will smite every firstborn Bubble Boy in the land of Manhattan, both man and beast, and upon all the gods of Manhattan will I wreak judgments I, the Lord.”
  1. And the blood will be for you for a sign upon the houses where you will be, and I will see the blood and skip over you, and there will be no plague to destroy you when I smite the people of the land of Manhattan.
  1. And Jerry, trying to move off of the blood idea, threw out some suggestions, saying, “How about instead of blood we use some peanut butter?
  1. But God commanded like it was a bodily function, “No. Too many containers. Big mess, big mess. Too sloppy. I want to stick with the blood from the lambs. That's the ticket.”
  1. But Jerry, too, would not relent, saying, “How about this: label makers! You know, individualize the houses, like ‘The Steinbergs live here. No smiting, please’.”
  1. But God was steadfast, explaining, “The blood conveys that solemn religious look you want in a sign. Very pious.
  1. And this day shall be for you as a memorial, and you shall celebrate it as a Festivus for the Lord; throughout your generations, you shall celebrate it as an everlasting statue.”
  1. And Jerry stopped God, saying, “Statute” And God said “What?” And Jerry said “Statute. It’s not a statue”. And God said, “No, statue.” And Jerry said, “Fine. We’ll celebrate it as an everlasting sculpture.” And God called upon George, “Just wait a minute. George, you’re smart, is it statue or statute?” And George responding, saying “Statute.” And God remained incredulous, saying, “Oh, I really think you’re wrong.”
  1. But God, undeterred, returned to his instructions. “Throughout your generations, you shall celebrate it as an everlasting statue, like a Joe Mayo party. And as Joe Mayo assigns to each man and to each woman a task at his parties, I will assign to every Israelite a task, like the kids with the questions.”
  1. For seven days you shall eat unleavened cakes, but on the preceding day you shall clear away all leaven from your houses. For whoever eats leaven from the first day until the seventh day, that soul shall be cut off from Israel, even if the unleavened cakes, like the bitter herbs, make that soul thirsty, or if the unleavened cakes make another soul constipated.
  1. And you shall watch over the unleavened cakes, for on this very day I have taken your legions out of the land of Manhattan, and you shall observe this Festivus day throughout your generations, as an everlasting statue.
  1. On the fourteenth day of the month of Kramerium, in the evening, you shall eat unleavened cakes, until the twenty first day of the month of Kramerium, in the evening.
  1. Jerry summoned all the elders of Israel and said to them, "Draw forth or buy for yourselves sheep for your families and slaughter the Passover Festivus sacrifice.
  1. And you shall take a fishing rod or a Bruline tennis racquet and immerse it in the blood that is in the basin, and you shall extend to the lintel and to the two doorposts a shtickl of blood that is in the basin, and you shall not go out, any man from the entrance of his house until morning. God’s gonna be doing some lopping.”
  1. The Lord will pass to denogginate the Manhattanites, and He will see the blood on the lintel and on the two doorposts, and the Lord will pass over the entrance, and He will not permit any denogginating in your houses.
  1. And you shall keep this matter as a statute for you and for your children forever.
  1. And it shall come to pass when you enter the land that the Lord will give you, as He spoke, that you shall observe this Festivus.
  1. And it will come to pass if your children say to you, ‘What is this service to you?’
  1. You shall say, ‘It is a Passover Festivus to the Lord, for He passed over the houses of the children of Israel in Manhattan when He denogginated the Manhattanites, and He saved our houses. And the people kneeled and prostrated themselves’.”
  1. So the children of Israel went and did as the Lord commanded Jerry and George.
  1. It came to pass at midnight, and the Lord denogginated every firstborn Bubble boy in the land of Manhattan, from the firstborn Bubble Boy of Pharaoh Newman who sits on his throne to the firstborn Bubble Boy of the captive who is in the dungeon, and every firstborn Bubble animal. And no unbubbled son was denogginated.
  1. And Pharaoh arose at night, he and all his servants and all the Manhattanites, and there was a great outcry in Manhattan, for there was no house in which no one was denogginated.
  1. So he called for Jerry and George at night, and he said, "Get the hell outta here! Both you, as well as the children of Israel, and go, worship the Lord as you have spoken.
  1. Take also your chickens and hens and roosters, and also your sheep and rams and ewes, as you have spoken, and go."
  1. So the Manhattanites took hold of the people to hasten to get them the hell out of the land, for they said, "You guys…You’re not our kinda guys."
  1. The people picked up their dough when it was not yet leavened, their leftovers bound in their garments on their shoulders.
  1. And the children of Israel did according to Jerry’s order, and they “borrowed” from the Manhattanites silver objects, golden objects, and garments. And, yes, whenever one of the “borrowed” objects was golden the Israelite would cry out, “It’s gold, Jerry! Gold!”
  1. The Lord gave the people favor in the eyes of the Manhattanites, and they “lent” them, and they emptied out Manhattan.
  1. The children of Israel journeyed from Del Boca Vista, Phase 3, located for the purposes of this story, on the Upper West Side, to The corner of First Avenue and First Street, the nexus of the Universe downtown, about six hundred thousand on foot, the men, besides the young children.
  1. And also, a great mixed multitude went up with them, and chickens and hens and roosters, and also sheep and rams and ewes.
  1. They baked the dough that they had taken out of Manhattan as unleavened cakes, for it had not leavened, for they were driven out of Manhattan. They could not tarry and so they could not stop at Monk’s nor Mendy’s nor The Soup Nazi’s;
  1. Nor could they stop at Pomodoro’s nor Papaya King nor Reggie’s;
  1. Nor at Joe’s Fruit Stand nor Schnitzer’s nor H&H bagels;
  1. Nor at Kenny Rogers Roasters nor Dinky Donuts nor Paisano’s Pizza;
  1. Nor at Dream Café nor Hop Sing’s nor Top of the Muffin To You!;
  1. Nor at Hunan 5th Ave nor Pete’s Tavern nor Sardi’s;
  1. Nor at Pfeiffer’s nor Kady’s nor La Cucina;
  1. George did suggest quickly dipping into Poppie’s but Jerry reminded him that Poppie was a little sloppy.
  1. And the habitation of the children of Israel, that they dwelled in Manhattan, was four hundred and thirty years.
  1. It came to pass at the end of four hundred and thirty years, and it came to pass in that very day, that all the legions of the Lord went out of the land of Manhattan.
  1. It is a night of anticipation for the Lord, to take them out of the land of Manhattan; this night is the Lord's, guarding all the children of Israel throughout their generations.
  1. The Lord said to Jerry and George, "This is the statue of the Passover Festivus sacrifice: No anti-dentite may partake of it.
  1. And every man's slave, purchased for his money you shall circumcise him, though you may have gotten used to his foreskin; then he will be permitted to partake of it.
  1. No Latvian Orthodox person nor any member of a group that goes around mutilating squirrels may partake of it. And obviously no pigmen. I don’t mean to be difficult about this, but I’m devout!
  1. It must be eaten in one house; you shall not take any of the meat out of the house to the outside, neither shall you break any of its bones. Nor shall you deep fry any part of it in chocolate sauce.
  1. As for the table setting, use your judgment, save one suggestion. Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table? You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. You can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? Do you?
  1. The entire community of Israel shall make it. And buddies will sit around chewing kosher for Passover gum. This is what the holiday is all about.
  1. There shall be one law for the native and for the stranger who resides in your midst. Didn’t I just mention something about owning slaves? Never mind.
  1. And should a convert reside with you, he shall bathe in garlic and vinegar. And he shall make a Passover Festivus sacrifice to the Lord. And he will learn of how The Lord brought forth the children of Israel from bondage, or at least know the basic plot.
  1. All his males shall be circumcised, and a catered lunch shall be served, and then he may approach to make it, and he will be like the native of the land, but no uncircumcised male may partake of it.
  1. And Jerry said, “But I don’t want to be a mohel!”
  1. All the children of Israel did as the Lord had commanded Jerry and George.
  1. It came to pass on that very day, that the Lord took the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt with their legions.
SZ
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