Jokes for Kids: The best clean Pesach jokes I've found
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Jokes for Kids: The best clean Pesach jokes I've found
MY FAVORITE CLEAN SEDER JOKES
By Rabbi Daniel Brenner
In order to keep my kids and their cousins entertained during Pesach, I have a “Joke Bank” an envelope in which I keep the following jokes, all printed out on little slips of paper. If the kids get wild, I say, “pay attention for the next ten seconds and you’ll get to pick a joke.” They love it. Of course many of these jokes are groaners, but, hey, they are the best the internet has to offer.
Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.
A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"
He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."
The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."
The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"
The boy replied, "No. But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!"
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.
Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
A group of leading medical researchers has published data indicating that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
What kind of cheese do I eat on Pesach?
Who was the best businesswoman in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter, she pulled a profit out of the water.
The Jews are camped in front of the Red Sea. They see the Egyptian chariots approaching. Moses turns to his PR man.
Moses - "Nu, where are those boats you got us?"
PR Guy - "Boats? You didn't say nothing 'bout no boats."
Moses - "So what do you want I should do? Part the waters and we can all just walk across?"
PR Guy - "If you can swing that, I'll get you your own chapter in the Bible!"
Did you know that the horseradish root goes back in time as far as the matzoh does? The horseradish root also crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites. The Israelites were slaves at the time and only had access to a few vegetables. The hard and woody horseradish was one of them and was a household staple.
Nearly all the fleeing Israelites took horseradish with them. Moshe and Sadie, however, while gathering up their scant belongings, found to their dismay that they had run out of horseradish. Sadie immediately sent Moshe into the field to dig up a large horseradish root to take with them. However, because it was dark and everyone was running around in panic, Moshe dug up a ginger root by mistake.
After forty years in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the Promised Land – all, that is, except Moshe and Sadie. It took them forty-one years to arrive. When asked where they had been, Sadie, now grown old, shrugged her shoulders and replied, "Moshe insisted on taking an alternative root."
Moshe has been living in Poland all his life, but just before the 2nd World War, he sees big trouble coming. So he sells all his assets, converts them into gold and then melts down the gold to have five sets of false teeth made for him. He flees Poland and after much travelling, arrives at Ellis Island, New York, where he is interrogated by an immigration official who also goes through the contents of his battered suitcase.
When the official sees the 5 sets of false teeth, he asks Moshe why he has so many. Moshe replies, "As you might know, we orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes, one for meat and one for dairy products. However, I’m so kosher and religious that I also need to have separate sets of teeth."
The official is confused. "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What are the other three for?"
"Well," Moshe replies, "we ultra-Orthodox Jews also use separate dishes for Passover and I’m so observant that I need two sets of Passover teeth to go with the dishes, one for meat and one for dairy food."
The official is still confused. "You've convinced me that you're a highly religious man and I accept that you therefore need four sets of teeth. But what about the fifth set?"
"Well, to tell you the truth, mister official," replies Moshe, "every once in a while I like to eat a ham and cheese sandwich."
After the tenth plague, the slaying of all the Egyptian first born, the Pharaoh told Moses the Jews were free to leave Egypt. So, the Jews packed their carts with their belongings and tried to leave. The problem was, with all the dead Egyptians, the funeral homes could not handle the demand. The end result was streets littered with coffins. With the streets impassable, the Jews couldn't get there carts out of their driveways.
They complained to Moses. "We can't get out of Egypt unless you do something about these blocked streets". Moses in turn, called out to God. "Lord, please do something about this coffin problem." With all the commotion, it was hard for God to hear what Moses was saying. He thought Moses said 'Coughin" and responded by turning all the wine into cough syrup. And that is why, to this day, Jews drink Passover wine that resembles cough syrup.
What's the difference between matzoh and cardboard??
Cardboard doesn't leave crumbs in the rug!
By Noam Zion
In a culture of questions like that of the Rabbis, they wish to understand the purpose and the reason for each commandment and every social institution and to exercise free choice between options. This type of education is critical by nature and it generates not only the aspiration to political freedom, but also spiritual and intellectual freedom.
That is why the Rabbis took...
How is this night different from other nights? On other nights we are not obligated to ask the questions of what separates us from redemption. Tonight we are so obligated.
1) Why are women not yet universally recognized as being created in the divine image?
2) Why are Israelis still living in a state of war?
3) Why are millions of people still suffering from hunger?
4) Why are there still...
We sanctify the name of God and proclaim the holiness of this festival of Passover. With a blessing over wine, we lift our wine, our symbol of joy; let us welcome the festival of Passover.
In unison, we say…
Our God and God of our ancestors, we thank You for enabling us to gather in friendship, to observe the Festival of Freedom. Just as for many centuries the Passover Seder has brought together families...
The MaNishtana traditionally asks us, “What is unique or different about tonight?” and, “Why do we eat Matzah, why do we dip and eat Bitter Herbs not just once, but twiceand why do we recline?” These elements are symbolic themes that mirror the reflection our ancestor’s liberation from slavery, the hardships they experienced and theoppression that infringed on their freedoms. Tonight at our GLBT Passover Seder...
The Seder is all about answering questions. But one question remains unanswered, and that’s the most important question – Why? We are taught, “In every generation, each person must see him/herself as if s/he were redeemed from Egypt.”But why? Why return to Egypt year after year? Why re-taste the bitterness of slavery? Ask the Torah – What difference does this experience make...
The Passover story is most often associated with the leadership of Moses, but in fact the cycle of protest that culminated in the Exodus from Egypt began with the courageous acts of two women who disobeyed Pharaoh’s decree to murder all Hebrew male babies born in Egypt. These women, Shifra and Puah, practiced a bold and noteworthy profession—midwifery. It was their commitment to preserving human life and their...
1. God, have You forgotten me?
I have forgotten how to breathe.
The air here is tight around me
Each day presses in and tomorrow feels impossibly far away
I long to feel Your wide, wide love
To feel hard earth beneath my cracked feet, shade on my bent back, cool mist on my sun-scorched skin
I long to hear sweet words
For respite from the sting that forces me...
Here is a kid and adult friendly alternative to for the Maggid section (the Passover story section) of the Haggadah. This short play is in the style of "sedra scenes" -- a contemporary take which makes the story current but stays true to the Exodus narrative. I've written it for large crowds -- so there are 13 parts, but if you have a smaller gathering you can easily double up.
By Avigayil Halpern
Blood:Young girls tuck tampons quickly into backpacks, secret them in purses, hide them in Ugg boots. It’s not blue dye that the river is running with, and periods are more trouble than the pamphlet in that goody bag from middle-school health class would leave one to believe. “It’s beautiful to be female,”we’re told, but nobody...
Water is refreshing, cleansing, and clear, so it’s easy to understand why so many cultures and religions use water for symbolic purification. We will wash our hands twice during our seder: now, with no blessing, to get us ready for the rituals to come; and then again later, we’ll wash again with a blessing, preparing us for the meal, which Judaism thinks of as a ritual in itself. (The Jewish obsession with food is...
Not Just Handwashing
Ask for two volunteers: one to carry a pitcher of water and to pourwater over each guest’s hands, and one to carry a basin and a towel.
Use ice water to remember people who do not have warm water.
Have everyone take off their bracelets and rings, even wedding bands for the handwashing (or for the whole seder, to be returned when the afikomen is found) to...
Remember the days of old:consider the years of many generations (Deut. 32:7)
Every year, hundreds of giant sea turtles swim hundreds of miles from their homes near Brazil to a tiny island in the Atlantic Ocean in order to find their mates. For years, scientists tried to understand how the turtles could find their way every time, from so far away. It was a tiny island, and even airplanes sometimes had trouble...
More Clips from Rabbi Daniel Brenner
The Wicked Child
I read the haggadah backwards this year
The sea opens,
the ancient Israelites slide back to Egypt
like Michael Jackson doing the moonwalk
Freedom to slavery
That’s the real story
One minute you’re dancing hallelujah,
shaking your hips to the j-j-jangle of the prophetesses’ tambourines,
the next you’re knee deep in brown...
We Won't Get Fooled Again: Helping Teens Identify Pharaoh
A boy is tricked into being part of a game with other boys only to find out that he is the target of mockery and abuse. A girl is happy to be included as a "friend" at a lunch table until she finds it was only a ploy to get back at another girl. A boy is "hit on" as part of a practical joke. A girl is lured into an unwelcomed physical...